My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

Go away for three days and leave him with the baby 🙂

Fair enough, I breast fed my DC but they all slept through really early (my boobs felt like they were going to explode in the morning mind you ) so I didn’t have the months and months of exhaustion. Whereas jet lag (not all the time) can hit me really bad and I feel quite ill afterwards.

I think both the OP’s and the DH’s roles are busy and exhausting and he is a dick to not be offering at least one night a week or them splitting the nights on a regular basis for her sanity and wellbeing.

People whose babies sleep, and people whose babies don’t, have very different experience of the baby stage.

Imagine not having slept more than 2-3 hours in one go for five months, and think what a night (let alone three) in a hotel with no baby might feel like…!

Of course. But I still think op is being a bit helpless and demanding.
We also don't know how stressful the conference was.
Both op and her husband need to show more respect for each other's needs.

I think this thread just proves how different we all are. My DC has never slept through (in fact just had one of the worst nights ever) and was awake every hour until 12 months and every 2 at least since then. My partner works away so it all falls on me. Honestly can't remember the last time I got any decent sleep. But I still find being at home with DC much easier than the days I work. Different people, different jobs and different personalities I guess.

Honestly sometimes I cannot believe what some people will defend. I look at my DH and can't believe that some men and women think anything less is acceptable than a supporting, loving partner who shares life equally. Maybe I am lucky. Or maybe the constant excusing of shit behaviour like the OPs DH is what creates theses fucking bastards who repeatedly treat their wives like shit, especially after children come into the picture.

In this instance, with the conference, he would have at least had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep and the choice not to socialise in the evening - at least not every evening. OP wouldn't have had any of those options.

While the whole trip was not a break, he had chances for breaks within it. He could show more care towards his DP upon getting home.

This thread clearly highlights how subjective things are.

Some people think being home with a baby is harder than going to work

Some people think going to work is harder than being home with a baby

Neither is wrong. Different people find different things easier or harder

Personally, I loved being home with baby on maternity leave, and then again with baby and toddler. It was easier than my job and a lot more enjoyable. But thats my experience

Nothing wrong with op wanting a break and time to herself when dh came back from conference

Nothing wrong with dh also then wanting a break and time to himself when she returns from her run

It depends a lot on the baby. I had a crier and it was the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. Constantly worrying about them, the awful feeling when the crying starts up again and you know you can’t stop it, the exhaustion- i would have to rock and bounce for over an hour to get her to fall asleep, my back was in AGONY. If you can imagine having to swing and bounce an 5kg dumbbell for hours every day only for it to non stop scream at you. She wouldn’t lie flat so I couldn’t put her in the bassinet (flat pram for newborns) so i couldn’t push her in a pram until 6 months, I had to carry her everywhere. And I couldn’t even use a sling for the first couple of months because she was too small for the weight limit. And of course the wake-ups. sometimes every hour for a feed, sometimes every 2-3 hours. Even going for a coffee was stressful. my baby wouldn’t last long in a coffee shop before crying. she would poo extremely frequently so my coffee would likely be interrupted by that. Oh, and i had to give up dairy and caffeine as i thought my breastmilk might be causing her issues, so coffee wasn’t much fun anyway. Still, at least i wasn’t recovering from surgery like other mums in that position!

Then i had a second baby who didn’t have any colicky issues. he slotted right in, i never had to rock him he would feed to sleep or just doze off in the pram. he waked in the night but would go back to sleep after a feed - with my first born i had to hold her upright for 30 mins after every feed. I was so sleep deprived i hallucinated at one point!

so yeh it depends a lot!

Exactly.

Mat leave felt like an extended holiday for me, despite the sleep deprivation.

But I recognise that other people may experience it very differently.

Similarly, going to work will feel like a break for some. Others may find that difficult to comprehend.

There are so many variables. Personality and skill set. Differences between jobs. Differences between babies etc.

My job required me to be constantly switched on, and a screw up could permanently affect people's lives. I often pulled all nighters to ensure I didn't let clients down, so I actually got more sleep with my newborn.

Even when my second woke hourly for a year (6-18m), it wasn't as stressful as work because the individual stresses were trivial in comparison. It's frustrating when they don't stop crying, but no one is going to kill themselves, or lose their home, or go to prison.

I was utterly burnt out with stress when I went in maternity leave with my first. Having a baby have me the chance to sleep and rest and realise I could never go back to the crazy stressful life I had before.

Now they are older (and harder work), and my job is more sedate, work does feel like a break sometimes.

But it's not relaxation time, or 'me time', it's still work.

For a start a baby can’t do anything for itself, and a newborn needs a lot - they might need their nappy changing 10+ times per day with outfit changes, constant feeding especially if breastfeeding but if not making and washing bottles, often don’t sleep very well - and of course you can’t leave them alone even if you can put them down. Lots of newborns won’t be put down without crying. It’s hard to imagine how hard work it is being alone with a baby in my opinion, unless you’ve had one.

It can be an achievement just getting out to Costa some days. I now work full time and have a toddler and think work is also exhausting by the way, which is why I think the OP and her partner need to work as a team as one feeling worse off than the other is a slippery slope.

How have you got to 5 months without him doing a night feed? Apologies if you are breastfeeding!

I wouldn't have discussions about it. I would cleverly make sure I took my time back. So every time he has downtime you make sure you plan a run or a coffee with a friend. Equal downtime should be the norm. The baby is both of yours it shouldn't be that your husband perceives this as your responsibility. By getting into a new habit hopefully you can retrain him without causing aggro.

It is a break, a break from house, baby, worry etc there’s very little as hard as early baby stages for some (most) you can eat/go to the toilet/commute (radio book film) talk to a colleague and actually have input into something outside the 4 walls you are in. It doesn’t mean work can’t be hard, strenuous, tiring but it’s still a break

You’re both wrong. Doing most things relentlessly for days at a time is exhausting. I would return from a 2 day conference with a social and luxury hotel stay completely exhausted because I don’t sleep well away from my family and find being switched on all the time really hard work.

having said that, my DH has always looked after me when I needed it - whether it was being at home alone all day with a baby (it was his turn willingly as soon as he got in from work) or more lately returning exhausted from work trips. I would also always want to catch up with my kids as a priority as soon as I return though rather than play competitive who needs a break more…

Yeah I agree with you, I have a high paying job and being at work is easier than being with a baby 24/7. I can go to the loo when I want, get a coffee, chat with colleagues, totally different to caring for a baby.

Your DH needs to step up and compare with you, I’d nip this in the bud as soon as possible. There’s no reason why he can’t do a night feed one day a week.

But having a baby does not mean you are confined to the house 24/7.

Ok so you have to care for baby, but there is opportunity for adult conversation, fresh air and activities that are outside your 4 walls. I massively benefited from libraries and baby groups when mine were small, there was even a lovely group where you could have toast and coffee in the company of other mums.

Having a baby does not mean you can't have conversation and a break from the house, you just take baby with you in a sling or a pram

I'm certainly not saying being with a baby all day is easy but its also not solitary confinement in the home.

I fucking hate selfish dicks like ur husband. Selfish fucks. Get rid of him, or
stop asking him get his TOLD he will be doing this or that in this or
that night. He’s not happy he can fk off have the baby all weekend and pay child support when he lives in his one bed flat.
he won’t ever notice how hard it is until u leave
him to get on with it. CF!

Exactly!

In fact, it was the first time in about a decade I was able to pee when I needed to, able to make a drink when I wanted to, had time to actually eat lunch.

I went shopping, I saw friends rather than cancelling on them because I was stuck at work yet again.

With a sling or a pram, I could go anywhere. So what when baby cried, it's no different being out than at home!

I travel with work a lot, I have to leave my husband, who works full time, at home with our three children when I’m away. Yes, there are meals, drinks, and fancy hotels, but I still come home physically and mentally exhausted. Because of that, I truly understand the importance of having equal time to oneself. So you should both get some time.

My husband travels for work, a week or so here and there. I'm green with envy at the solo travel, meals I didn't need to cook and unitterupted sleep.
Whilst I work too, it would never be assumed that I'd be able to do the same, he wouldn't cope.

I agree going to work is a mental break for parenting.
I also think it's not something he'll appreciate until he's parented without you there. Set boundaries around this now cos it'll effect you long term.
Once a week, maybe a Saturday so he's not been at work and doesn't have work the next day, he does nightfeeds and you get a lie in either Saturday or Sunday and he gets the other.

You're a team and he hasn't experienced how hard parenting is because you're always there.
Also start going for a run however many times you'd like, 3 times a week or whatever.

I got into a cycle where I had to ask my DH to watch our baby so I could shower. This was including watching the monitor. He started sighing and huffing about it and it quite firmly said that if he didn't adjust his attitude he'd find himself silo parenting a lot more. Its unfair. Soon sorted himself out.

Hugs OP!

Gobsmacked at people defending this man. He just doesn’t get it at all. When a baby is young both partners should end up knackered otherwise you’re not sharing properly. He will survive at work. You just have to.

A mental break, you clearly have never been to conferences... It sound like he needs to do more, but I have never understood why everything has to be a competition.