My husband refuses to see that him going to work is a "break".

[Crybabydumplin]

My husband works full time. I'm currently on maternity leave with a 5 month old.

He has just returned from a three day conference where we he stayed in a hotel. He went to a pub quiz one night and had dinner with colleagues the other. He also has some leaving drinks planned for a colleague one week after work next week and recently spent a Friday night with his brother at the pub whilst I stayed at home.

This conference was the first time I had the baby to myself completely with no support and I managed fine but it wasn't easy.

When he got back, I was desperate for some me time and suggested that I would go for a run and have some time by myself (2 hours or so). He proposed that once I get back he should have some time by himself too.

In the politest way I could, I say that him proposing time by himself one day after coming back from a three day conference felt like a slap in the face.

He flew off the handle and is adamant that it was work and not a break. I tried explaining I meant a break from the baby and responsibilities. He got to have dinner by himself, shower, socialise etc which I don't get to do. He said that I should just ask if I want a break and that I'm the one that always wants to spend time with the baby.

Isn't it normal for all mums to one minute be obsessed with their baby and then the next think god I could do with a breather? Both can exists at the same time.

My only break is the runs that I do on his days off.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

I proposed that he does one night feed a week so the baby gets used to him doing it too. That way i will feel more comfortable when I'm out knowing the baby will feed comfortably with him. He's not happy about it and said it should be a one off because once a week will have a knock on effect on his sleep.

Am I being unreasonable or is he just not getting it?

Dh did night feeds Friday and Saturday and last night feed during the week so I could go to bed early
He's a dick

Don't over-think it. As a household, you've had to encompass a conference working away, and looking after a 5 month old bf baby, on top of all the usual day-to-day stuff. You're both going to be tired and aggravated and not your most reasonable / forgiving / enlightened selves.

It doesn't seem unreasonable that you get to go and have a run though x

I am so sorry for you.
mu husband was the same I ended up growing my two kids alone, I was doing everything, all the mental load school pick up drop off after school homework organise parties play dates uniforms clothes doctors. Everything. He completely detached from anything regarding the kids. I am not saying he will get that bad but if now there is no division it will just get worst. On hand sight I would have started couple therapy and get help from an external person. When I did it was too late.

Honestly, this may depend on the person. For me, a conference is very much an enjoyable break. And I enjoy my work. Both of those things are far less stressful than being at home with a baby, imo.

You are right, looking after a baby 24/7 is exhausting and you never get to ‘turn off’. Even if he is busy all day he still gets to have a full nights sleep. He should definitely be doing at least two nights a week where he is the one getting up to the baby as well and not just one.
I’m sorry you’re married to someone that doesn’t appreciate how full on being a Mum to a new baby is.

My DH actually wanted to be with his kids when he got home from work trips. I didn't have to bargain with him to spend time with them.

The bar is so incredibly low when it comes to fathers.

That's really not a universal finding at all. My two closest friends and I all found being home with kids way easier than work. I loved the park visits, running around being fire trucks and doing push ups on the playground equipment, I was so much fitter than now. And school holidays are still the best time of the year. Work on the other hand - sure I'm talking to adults but most of them are demanding and annoying without the excuse of being children. The stress is awful. I'm sure it depends on the job - one friend works at a specialist school which is rewarding but physically very tough ( lots of actual injuries), the other is a HR exec, and I'm middle management in a politicised field so the media storms and government demands are constant. Being at home was tedious at times but if I could afford it is go back to that in a heartbeat.

I am building up to leaving the baby for the first time so I can go out for drinks with a friend.

Stop 'building up to it'. Be more assertive and go!
Tell him what you're doing rather than pussy foot around almost asking permission. He certainly is!

Disagree with anyone saying a work conference isnt a break. He will have had time after the daytime activities to go back to his room and have a short rest/shower etc. He didnt need to stay out late.
In comparison to being "on" all the time with a baby, that is a break.

OP, he's behaving awfully.

Suggest he books a day of annual leave so you can have a full day to yourself and see whether he finds the day harder than a day at work or not...

I agree.

The fact that this mans own baby has to "get used" to his father feeding him is absurd.

@SplishSplash123 But you’re not looking after a baby all day if they nap a few times, even if they contact nap you’re sitting chilling. And when they’re awake at that age you can be doing fun things or just going for a walk for fresh air, out for coffee with friends etc. Different to concentrating at a conference 9am - 5pm. That’s not to say that it’s not hard (especially the nights) but equally a three day conference isn’t like three days off

You’re both a bit wrong imo. Him working isn’t a break (assuming your finances are shared) as he is working ‘for the team’. You are also ‘working for the team’ with childcare. Both are important.

I think you need to be clear you’re not saying him working is a break. The hotel evenings and dinners etc are a break; and you deserve a recharge when he gets back from this sort of event.

Give him more baby responsibility. He doesn’t realise what you’re dealing with. There’s no real way imo to deal with this time ‘fairly’ because you are stuck with baby when they are young. Hang on in there because you will get some freedom back. What’s important now for you is to keep talking, try to lower your standards a bit, him also, and as baby grows make sure you start giving DH more responsibility- what i mean is don’t let this stay the default. It’s ok for now when baby is young, but by time baby is 1, your DH can be way more involved and it’s important for everyone that he is! Lots of luck. Be kind to yourself. I was at my absolute worst point 6-9mo after birth- so so tired and the novelty was wearing off!!! It got much better 1+ for everyone . Xo

yup, just enables this behaviour.
Our child was born on a Friday - I left DH in no disillusion that I would be at my regular Thursday night choir practice and have not missed one since (I was a bit tired though haha). Likewise, he gets his Wednesday night activity night and we both see friends when we want, sometimes with DC in tow, others not.
This 'who does what' is just ridiculous yet so common among new parents and should be spoken about before the baby is born - or preferable before it's conceived.

Has he not been doing either Fri or Sat night feeds since the day baby was born.

Had an exh like this, i used a nanny a few times to get a break to go shopping, or once i went for a swim. It was shit, he never stepped up.

Moving fwd 11 years, I bought the kids up by myself , he failed as a dad.
Don't be me. Insist. If he begrudges this, don't have more children, and start paying for help, or make a life without him.

been there done this. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’ve done stressful jobs and I’ve done looking after babies on my own and they are both hard but in different ways. Saying he was having a break is not helpful. Yes he got to shower and go to the toilet in peace and enjoy some baby free time but it’s still work. Think about before kids, if you went on a three day conference would you feel tired afterwards and want some r and r, probably. The issue is possibly that he can’t understand how hard looking after a baby all the time is. I know my XH never did. He never looked after babies on his for more than a couple of hours and that isn’t that hard, it’s the relentlessness of doing it all the time that’s the kicker. My advice, with the benefit of hindsight, would be to try and express how you are feeling without comment on what he is doing or not doing and try to avoid the competitiveness of who is working hardest or having the worst day. When you talk to him try to think that winning is not about making him feel like shit but would be getting the help you need. Because if he helps you when you are finding babies hard, you’ll be in a better position to support him when his work is stressful.

I really don't understand this new phenomenon of mothers being unable to shower. How on earth do you think people managed in the past? Stop being a martyr and just have a bloody shower!

Re read my post. I said that both people coulr get a break from the thing they’d been doing by doing something different.

I didn't say me time. I didn’t say a proper break. I said a break from the thing they’d been doing.

Wow he’s being a complete arse in my opinion. Yes ok works not a break in the traditional sense of the word (lol) but when you have a baby it is a bloody break! Showering easily, sleeping through the night! Hotel breakfast, maybe a trip to the gym or pool, these are utter luxuries when you have a new baby!

First thing he should do when he comes home is let you decompress and have some time to yourself, 3 days solo parenting a 5 month old is hard.

It is easy for relationships to fall into a tit for tat approach when it comes to sleep deprivation etc. who’s more tired, who’s over worked. Of course you both need down time, but I’m sorry looking after a baby is just a different kind of exhausted and he needs to step up if he’s been away for 3 days. And doing a night feed as a one off? Get a grip! Some men truly have no idea what mothers go through in those early months. You are not being unreasonable.

It’s not that you can’t have a shower - its just as soon as you get in the baby will start screaming so then it becomes a rush or a stress

Looking after a baby by yourself is exhausting. I've done it for DS's whole life, compared to that, working was a breeze, even when I was pregnant and knackered (or so I thought!) Back then I'd go to work, come home, and have a shower, a big glass of milk and a nap. Today I burst into tears because DS cried when I put him in his playpen, and I needed to get the washing up done.

If he's a natural social butterfly then it's a bit of a break, but if not then it's actually quite draining to to do the whole obglitory meals, drinks and then work during the day.

DH loved working away but with a baby he was desperate to be at home. For me it was fine but yes I did say oh how nice to have a room in a hotel and half snooze during non led meetings. When I went back to work it was hard but not when on maternity leave, maybe because I had nap time in the afternoons. Xx

Work isn’t a break, you need to get that straight in your head. Between the two of you something needs to happen to stop both being idiots.

Well said!

I’ve got no idea what can be so hard about being at home with a newborn. Isn’t it just sitting around watching tv and having ‘cuddles’? Maybe the occasional foray to Costa to drink coffee? It’s always sounded like a lovely break from work to me.