Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

Does gifted mean given?

What happens at Christmas..does your golden sister receive better gifts from your parents than you ?

That’s an insane amount of money to gift to one child and an extravagant wedding you need a family meeting it should be addressed coz it’s so unfair but try and be mature no shouting or being angry ,it will cause problems I can tell you now but you are already hurting from their actions so it might be better to say it out loud and see what happens .

For all those asking @MikeL1993 to 'just ask parents', what planet are you on? I would NEVER go cap in hand & say 'X had that, I want it too'..

Then again, I couldn't bring myself to speak to them again. I'm a great one for cutting my nose off to spite my face & they could stuff any future inheritance where the sun don't shine. That'd be me DONE.

As a parent that's appalling. As a child with siblings I would just focus on my own family.

i guess the lesson here is, if you don’t ask, you don’t get!

Speak to your parents and acknowledge the gift to your sister, and ask if they could support you all equally

The fourth paragraph here is spot on. DH’s family did similar for a younger sibling 15 years ago. Sibling bought a house in an expensive city. Sold the house about 10 years later for 2.5x what they paid for it. PIL now brag how well youngest has done as they now have a big house worth £££ but PIL are completely blind to how they facilitated this.

I’ve made my peace with it now (not my parents/circus/monkeys) but at the time DH and I were completely 😮. I could never treat my children so differently. Baffles me how parents can.

As a parent, with adult children, I worry if one gets a fiver more than the other, especially now they are adults.

£500,000 is a hell of a lot of money, and I hope that Mikes parents have another million sloshing around to give to him and his older sister.

i can’t comment on borrowing £20,000 for upgrades in your property, its not something I would have done. Our kitchen in our first three properties was a sixties sink unit with washing machine under one drainer and an undercounter fridge/freezer under the other drainer. A big pine bookcase stored all the tins, saucepans, plates etc and a small pine table and chairs with a gingham table cloth matching the curtains.

We only upgraded the kitchens/bathrooms when we were selling.

The children know we aren’t selling this property yet as it’s clean, tidy and presentable, but we have.a very old two ring gas cooker (checked yearly with the central heating system) the sane 60s unit with a washing machine still but we have a dishwasher where the fridge was. We have a beautiful American frost free fridge/freezer which is huge and free standing, and a pantry to store all the crockery, cookware, utensils and food which I love.

It must grate that one sibling has been given a shed load of money and two haven’t, but I wouldn’t ask for money, and when your parents come round for tea etc, I would be serving egg, chips and a few beans and sliced bread on the table so they can fill up on a chip butty, and a big jug of iced water with a couple of slices of lemon and mint init.

you have a property, do it up, sell it, buy another one and do the same, and be a good parent to your children, that will really wind your parents up especially as they get older

Totally agree. As a parent of 4 the only way we have divided our assets is between them all, I’d never give preference to just one which is really what’s happening here. If I’ve given any of mine money I’ve also given or put in savings for the others. No way on earth would I allow one of mine to feel like I prefer another sibling or my actions to lead to the obvious resentment between siblings. It’s just not fair.

I really cannot imagine any parent gifting a £500k house to one child and doing nothing for the other two. We treat both our daughters the same and have gifted money to both of them when we can afford it. I don't agree you should ask, I think any parent should think twice before treating one child so differently to the others regardless of circumstances. Anyone with a modicum of sensibility would realise the injustice of it.

I would say the only clue you have given us is that the parents are obviously keen for your sister to have children and have made sure money is not an issue for them. Do they have a close relationship with your son (their grandson)?

OP, I feel for you. You've got two choices really and neither of them are good. Either you say something now and risk a huge falling out (but you're already hurting so getting it out there may be the best thing) or don't say anything and continue with your fingers crossed that your parents have evened things up in their will. This is high risk because if they haven't you don't even have the right of reply at that point. I'm in the second scenario, (parents have given their house to sibling), and if you think you're hurting now, finding out when one or both of them is gone is heart breaking. The betrayal is so massive it's not something I can get over. I've walked away.

If people choose to have children, they have an obligation to treat them all equally. Otherwise what's the point of being in the family?

I have the same dynamic and issues with my younger sibling always receiving massive financial help from our parents. For all those saying “why don’t you just ask”, it’s not that simple. I did recently ask my DM for help (the first time since 2005) as I was really struggling after moving house. I got a reminder why I never do ask. The guilt trip, the open family discussions behind my back about what I would spend the money on, the judgement. Whereas my younger sibling basically has their life bankrolled - holidays, expensive clothing, etc. It’s horrible and it’s hurtful - I get it OP.

The resentment is only going to grow. You need to talk to your parents, without your sister there and articulate how you feel. I’ve seen this with my mum, her siblings and her parents. The upset that preferential treatment caused has impacted all the relationships because no one was willing to call it out.

That’s shit OP. I’d be fuming

Mum, Dad, you recently gave Sarah £500,000 to buy a house and told her she doesn’t need to pay it back. Are you in a position to offer a similar amount of money to me, and to Kate? For us, that would give us an opportunity to move up the housing ladder and reduce our mortgage. I know Kate would hugely appreciate as well.

[Then if they say no]

How can you justify giving such a huge amount to Sarah and not offering something similar to me and Kate?

It’s the same in our family but no where near this scale! It’s always because ‘you manage so well without any help’. Only because I have no choice and nobody offers.

Very interesting. My stepson was given money over Covid and never paid it back, despite getting government Covid loan. Given money to buy a plot of land. No one knows whether that was paid back but his mother wasn't paid back what she lent him, although he says he paid back a small amount. Then loaned money to fund various property planning matters and business debts. This causes real pain amongst other 3 stepdaughters and myself.

Very difficult for anyone to broach the subject with my husband as he says he can do what he likes with his money.

Really good point. Whose name is this house in?

They might also have Tenants in Common Trust with your sister.

Get in touch with the Land Registry and find out.

Something about this house thing sounds dodgy.

This reminds me so much about my older and younger sisters being resentful because my dad “bought” me a house. I wish my mother was not a shit stirrer and my father wasn’t so discrete as he never told them that he actually only lent me £8k for the deposit which I paid back…

Even in his funeral they were still going in circles about the house he bought me and I living mortgage free (I wish). I found the pettiness so annoying that when they started talking about splitting the inheritance I told them to keep it all, which they have… and they are still complaining about the house he didn’t buy me…

Huh? Your story is totally different...

Its half a million pounds not 8k and OP is right to be aggrieved...

More fool you for not clarifying it.
Your father obviously was an twat for misleading them and not correcting them.
Then you confirmed it.
You have yourself to blame, not your siblings.

My house is over half a million pounds and the loan I got from my dad was £8k.

just suggesting OP to check in detail before she gets too annoyed as things may not be as they look. But yes, if they are, she has the right to be annoyed if she is not expecting an inheritance if the same value.

Rude and unhelpful victim blaming.

OP, we all know YANBU.

Talk to your parents but brace yourself cos people who pick favourites aren’t that fussy about being nice.

I am a mum of 4 and try very hard to treat my children equally. There is one I do give more to as they are struggling whereas the others aren't. I still try to make up for it in other ways. I would never buy one a house though!
We had similar in my family , in that the sibling who stayed living with my GM. ( she lived to 100!) was solely left the house on her death. The other siblings were made well aware of it before her death though and there was no resentment. This may have not been the case if it was sprung upon them after her death. People need to talk.

id be upset too. Its a natural response. But there may be things you dont know. Maybe your parents see the gift as being an early inheritance for your sister and the rest will be bequeathed to you and your other sibling when your parents pass. Maybe it wont. You could also let your parents know you are financially struggling and would also appreciate financial help and ask for it. Let them know your financial woes. The final thing to note is that there is are tax and specific government rules about gifting. I could be wrong but a gift of that size I dont think is allowed without being subject to some taxation rule or other. There is also a 7 year deprivation of assets rule - so if your parents die within the next 7 years the house gifted to your sister is still included in your parents assets when their estate is valued. In short its legally and financially / taxy complicated. It could be worth you finding out more on the various implications and speaking to your parents about it now rather than having to sort out the mess later - assuming you are a co-executor of the will needing to sort out the mess later.