Parents bought sister a house

[MikeL1993]

I am the middle child between two sisters and there is 5 years between me and my older and younger sisters.

Me and my younger sister both own a three bed semi detached house, she lives with her husband and I live with my girlfriend and son who is 18 months old. The week after my son was born it was announced that my sister and her husband had bought a house. And we were all happy for them but then it turned out what had actually happened was they had approached my parents and asked them to lend them money so they could buy an old bungalow, raise it to the ground and build a new house and we were told that they would sell their current house after they have moved into this rebuilt house and then somehow pay my parents back the money they borrowed but everyone seemed vague about how that would happen.

Fast forward to now and they are almost ready to move in but the buyers of their current house have pulled out but it is not affecting any chain. Anyway we have now discovered that my parents have told them not to pay them back so with everything included have basically gifted my youngest sister half a million pounds or in that region.

Obviously this is now creating resentment for me and my older sister. It has been mentioned in passing that me and my gf are struggling for space in our house but we are having to make do until we can afford something bigger but that wont be for a number of years yet.

I think I am feeling most resentful because not only has my sister and her husband been gifted a house but when they had a big extravagant wedding back in Summer my parents paid for 90% of it whereas I am working all the hours I can and after bills and nursery fees etc I am having very little to show for it whilst my parents have given all this to my little sister and don't seem to understand why I am annoyed.

This is also not including that the money they have given my sister and her husband over the years with other stuff whereas I have basically been left to fend for myself.

Am I being unreasonable or am I justified in feeling annoyed?

Unfortunately this happens and I can see why you’re resentful .
your younger sister I’m afraid is the favourite.
Are her and her husband grateful?
do your parents know you’re struggling? Maybe she’s had the brass neck to ask and you haven’t?? Not a criticism of you but some people are just entitled and have the balls to ask.

I’d be really hurt too. I am almost obsessive about makin g sure my kids are given the same amounts of help or even the value of xmas presents etc. Its hurtful if not and causes fall outs between siblings. I’d have to talk to my parents about how I felt I think. Maybe you and your other sister together

This pretty much happened with me and my younger brother, he was transfered a house free they used to rent while I was struggling with a large mortgage. The reprocutions are still happening now 20 years later. I find I deal with it best by cutting myself off, at least you have another sibling in the same boat.

It’s their money. And how they see fit to spend it is their prerogative.

It’s not my place to tell my parents what to do with their money, I’m not that entitled to think I’m owed anything tbh.

Something similar happened in my family. A close relative helped me financially over the years and would have also helped my sibling but they refused to ask (despite encouragement from me and other family members to do so). They then felt resentful later (and even though they were left enough money in the relative’s will to even things out the resentment continued).

It would be nice if your parents offered to even things up but if you want help, ask. If they say no then you have a legitimate reason to be upset.

Be proud of the fact that you are providing for yourselves and not asking for hand-outs. It is very sad when one sibling seems to be handed everything on a plate.
I am proud of dh and me providing for ourselves. We have a lovely little home, happy life and great friends.
My brothers have benefited from my parents generosity to them over the years with new cars, loans, help with new kitchens etc. Karma is now happening, since my parents died, and they are both reaping their just desserts unable to budget and facing financial problems.
Smile and enjoy your lovely little family. Continue to stand on your own two feet. Please don't let this whittle away st your happiness.

Then I would ask. That seems to be the difference between you and your sister, and your parents obviously don't have the wherewithal to realise how unfair this is.

Often, the first time my husband and I will hear about his sister buying a new car, or whatever, is when his parents gift us the same quantity of money they've given her to help out. They are clinical about it, and thankfully, so are my parents.

I'm in your position - I work, decent salary, partner, mortgage and do not ask my parents for money. My sister doesn't work and they've bought her cars, a house... it's not particularly fair but I think it's their business how they spend their money and it'll probably balance out in the will (maybe, again, not important).

But as everyone else appears to be pointing out... you should ask. Your parents probably feel you're able to manage without their support (as you have done).

We gifted an amount to one of our children to buy a desperately needed home. Their sibling isnt ready to buy yet but we made it very clear right from the beginning that we had the same amount ready for them when they needed it. There should be no need for OP to ask ( tbf our child didnt actually ask for anything we offered it) and everything should be out in the open to not cause misunderstanding and hurt imo

My parents were the same and I am as you say clinical too about my kids

Very honestly

For 500K... i'd have the balls to ask a question

I must be living in a parallel universe. Why on earth should OP and his older sister have to ask to get the same handouts as his younger sister? Why aren't his parents automatically keeping them informed and either offering money or confirming that they're adjusting their wills to take account of these lifetime gifts? I can't imagine treating my children so differently. Fortunately it's not happened in our family.

The same amount should be given to all children and then if there is still money then it is at your parents discretion BUT no one should be left feeling as you do…

I would ask them outright. Do they know you’re struggling. £500k is a lot of money and a huge disparity.

My mum gave my sister around £30k for a house deposit, £7k for a car and £10k for a wedding. She gave me and my children around a fifth of that altogether as she said she had helped me in person, with occasional ad-hoc childcare, rather than financially.

Yes. Transparency here is what is missing. And the hardship op is left in is the trigger of this resentment…she can’t offer the same to her child because she hasn’t been given…

Please talk to your parents. This gift needs to be at the very least factored into their will. They are oblivious to how unfair you and you other sister are being treated.

If you don’t ask you don’t get.

Worry not, if they make the changes to lifetime gifts that are being suggested the tax man will be after his percentage from your sister in due course!

To start with, start off with asking your parents, in what universe this wouldn't be seen as an insanely unfair and hurtful display of favouritism.....

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice but wanted to say that I’d feel gutted by this too.

This would piss me off so much.

I think you need a frank conversation with them and point out that they are treating their kids incredibly unevenly/unfairly in terms of financial support and it's causing a lot of hurt and distress.

You are not willing to ask for help. So what's the point of your thread? To be told that this is unfair? Almost everyone has said that it is and you also know that. It is not just unfair that they haven't offered to make it up to you and your older sister but infuriating that they turn it around and make you feel bad for asking. Who cares? As others have said just ask when you will be receiving your 500k.

Do you think it could be connected to the fact you aren’t married? Do they see your couple relationship as less committed?

I had something similar. I’m the youngest of three girls. When my dad died, the house went to my eldest sister. My middle sister and I got £500 each. When mum died we both got another £500 and eldest sister got everything else. They already had their own house, which they sold. My middle sister has since died, but like me, was very hurt by the favouritism. Even now, forty years later I am still bitter about it. I have four children, and everything will be split four ways when I’m gone. How a parent can show such favouritism is beyond me.