To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

Every situation is different. Not every elderly person is a pleasant parent or grandparent. My mother presents like a decent person in public but is abusive and vile at home.

I worked in a care home kitchen in my late teens/early twenties and it gave me enough room to judge both residents and visitors. Some people can be utter cunts but appear as the sweetest little thing ever. My gran certainly was one. People visit out if duty rubbing their hands together knowing it's all theirs . My fil accused of child sex offence just as he was being homed, is another I've no doubt, he'll be charming, funny and relatable.

Reality is very different.

This happened with my husband's best friend. An adult grandchild sent him a letter saying that his family had disowned him because he'd met someone else after his wife had died. He'd nursed his wife through cancer.

He was also diagnosed with cancer. He'd lived in a tied cottage and was evicted. He moved in with his new partner and that was why the family objected.

Thankfully, one of his children saw sense but the the other child and grandchildren didn't come round until the man was on his death bed.

My nan use to say if they wasn`t such arseholes when they had energy and independents they would have visits when their old and past it.
Unless they had no family or friends and some of them were still arseholes.

She was a blunt woman but loved so much.

My father was on dating websites a mere 4 months after my beloved mum died of cancer. If I am being honest, it was incredibly painful for me and it did affect our relationship. I never begrudged him companionship but surely waiting an appropriate amount of time isnt asking a lot?

Just giving another side to that circumstance because for me, introducing someone new so quickly was like being stabbed in the heart

My mum’s in a care home. I have not seen her for 18 years. I grew up in poverty, she (and my father) neglected my sibling and I (who I also don’t see) and I had periods in foster care. She didn’t care for me when I was a child so I don’t see why I should see her now. Not everyone in a care home is a sweet little old lady.

Well said.

My mum worked in a care home, she said in many cases, family only turn out when they think they might be getting something in the Will.

Also, remember that many people are no longer what they used to be when they were living at home.

Out of sight, out of mind is what Mum used to say.

But a good care home does try its best to give their residents some sort of life, others just wheel them out, stuck in front of the TV.

I disagree that dementia means that they live in their own world. My mum had vascular dementia and she endured that terrible disease for years.

My brother and I visited her a few times a week and often she didn’t know us the majority of times.

There was one day a few months before she died, she suddenly recognised me and and it was such an intense emotional reaction it will stay with me for the rest of my life.

The pain of visiting my mum so sick nearly broke me, but did what I could. I would hope my family wouldn’t forget me

I didn't say all people with Dementia lived in their own world i said often people with advanced Dementia live in their own world
I worked in Dementia care for a long time so Iand everybody is different
There are different types of Dementia which impact people differently.
Your experience of your mum having vascular Dementia is your experience
Other people will have different experiences.

I’ve taken school groups to a nursing home. It’s the most magical experience. I remember one 12 year old spending the whole afternoon engrossed in conversation with a retired RAF pilot about planes. And another girls who had been just joined us after being excluded from her previous school spent the afternoon holding the hand of an elderly gentleman in a complex wheelchair and helping him participate in a game of cards. It was honestly tear jerking seeing how much both the residents and the children benefitted.

Thing is, most people in care homes in the UK have dementia. (It’s around 70%)

This means if family are waiting to visit until they are close to death for financial reasons then it’s far too late, wills don’t get changed then and most care homes plough through savings and house values - if someone has been in care home for a few years then their family visit close to death, most would assume no inheritance so perhaps it’s more about saying goodbye/get closure.

I am glad for you that your mum had good moments when she recognised you.

That wasnt the case for my father towards the end as I said in a previous post. Me visiting him would cause him to get aggressive and angry and he did not recognise me. He would shout /curse at me and get distressed.

I did not "forget" him as you suggest, but I did reduce my visits because they were causing nothing but distress for both of us.

I remember one time before he got really bad I tried to take him out of the care home to a restaurant on his birthday so he could have a change of scenery and do something nice. It was bloody awful. He spent the entire meal getting up from the table and trying to take other people's food, then he kept trying to leave the restaurant and getting confused about where he was. I was in floods of tears by the end of it, it was so stressful and heartbreaking. Prior to getting ill, my father was a highly intelligent, dignified man.

I am sure the care home staff that joined after this incident would have said that I was a cruel daughter who couldnt even be bothered to take her dad out of the care home on his birthday.

Not all dementia patients are the same.

I guess this upsetting thread raises an important question - how does one make peace with the thought of being alone at the end of life?

An elderly person in a care home can’t expect visits just because they’re related to someone 🤷‍♀️ Love isn’t guaranteed just because you share DNA, it still has to be earned. I didn’t go and see my dad when he was dying because he’d been awful to me his whole life. I have absolutely no regrets about that.

I went with a singing group to a care home on Christmas Eve @Genevieva . I was helping with food and drink not singing - fortunately for them. It was lovely and the best CE I have ever spent

@watertablei really feel for you as I know that not everyone has the same experience. Your father’s reaction could have been an emotional response to recognition that he couldn’t process. My DM said some strange and sometimes upsetting things. Sometimes it was easier when she slept.

I think the main thing is you tried but I do understand protecting yourself. I still find it hard to think about this time in her life.

Im trying to remember who she was not the disease that took her

@velvetcoat

My father was on dating websites a mere 4 months after my beloved mum died of cancer. If I am being honest, it was incredibly painful for me and it did affect our relationship. I never begrudged him companionship but surely waiting an appropriate amount of time isnt asking a lot?
Just giving another side to that circumstance because for me, introducing someone new so quickly was like being stabbed in the heart

That's understandable velvet

I had an elderly neighbour who nursed his wife through cancer and then met someone six months after her death. His family were naturally very upset. But he explained (to me) that his wife wanted him to remarry and that, because of her illness/death, he realised that life is short and he wanted to live it while he still could.

My family are not impressed that my friends son doesn’t visit him. And has stopped sending Christmas or birthday gifts, or even a card. But I know that the son feels that his dad abandoned him with an alcoholic mum. When he could have stayed in London instead of moving away to do his own thing. He never made any effort to have a relationship with his granddaughter either, despite claiming he loved her. I don’t blame the son at all.

I’m childless not by choice. I don’t dwell on this but try to live in the now as much as I can. I have a nephew I live very much and hope he will come and see me occasionally but that’s all I expect. Tbh I think it would be worse to have children who don’t visit you than not to have children.

@littlebilliie thank you.

I agree- it's been a few years now since he died and I am focusing very much on who he was prior to this cruel illness. Thats not who he was at all and I keep focusing on that. I hope you can do the same for your mum. x

It does depend, for some people of course it's very sad. We discussed old age care with FiL as he lives far away (too many hours driving for a visit in a day, so stop over required), we asked if he needed a care home if he'd be happy to move to one near us to enable visits. He said absolutely not, he'd rather have no visitors and stay where he ism of course, we'd visit on birthdays and when we can, but we couldn't do a weekly weekend away just to visit him each week (or even fortnight). He said that was absolutely fine and he hated visitors anyway. He currently doesn't like us visiting anyway, so we have to get an air bnb or meet on neutral ground elsewhere, so it's how he's always been. Old people are no different from everyone else, in the sense that some really dislike visitors, small talk or having to host, and prefer their own company or tv/books/looking outside, or sometimes they've been so horrible to relatives that ties have been cut.

I can understand why that would hurt.

I have worked in care homes. Those with dementia who don't recognise their family or friends anymore are hard to visit and eventually those visits die out. It becomes a 'what's the point' situation as its like sitting with a stranger. Some residents get very agitated at visitors as they see them as strangers and they cannot hold a conversation anymore. Yes it is sad but I understand it from the visitors point of view too.

Consider this…. I looked after dad 24/7 with dementia,for 2 year it broke me as to how hard it was,mentally and physically.. when next diagnosis was mid to severe alzheimers and i was diagnosed with health problems myself i had to ring social services for help,i was utterly desparate (had no assistance from anyone). Dad is now in a care home BUT he has a phone,and me on speeddial,so even with severe Alzheimers he is able to call me morning , noon and night and wants me there all the time still…. Very,very hard up and down all the time as a dutiful daughter.. makes you wonder about the next generstions with phones , they will have the care homes in uproar 🩷