To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

I rarely see my parents, and am guilty of tripped all the time by family.

Oh your dad is pining for you is the latest one, as he's in hospital. They don't realise I suffer with a severe mental health condition and am on antipsychotics and anti anxiety meds. They don't appreciate the therapy I'm having. They don't see the anxiety I deal with on a daily basis. Trauma in childhood effects you your whole life.

Where were these goodie family members when I witnessed my dad knock my mother out cold and I sat by her thinking she was dead. When I used to be dragged around the streets at midnight by my drunken mother because both her- yes it was her as well- and my father had started to paste ten tonnes of shit into each other. When I used to cry so hard I'd vomit at the pair of them screaming at each other. When my mum would threaten to kill herself every weeekend, and I'd dread going into her bedroom in case she was dead. When he smashed up his house because I refused to go to the pub with him when I was 2 months pregnant.

How now at 44 I still shake with fear when I hear raised voices. How a door slamming makes my heart race. How I turn into a quivering mess if I hear people arguing. How I'm an anxiety ridddled bipolar mess.

One thing it done for me was turn me into a good mother! I would never inflict what my parents done onto my own children. They say you can heal from trauma- I'm still waiting for that to happen.

I worked in 1 in my student days for people with dementia etc and your right it was such a sad state of affairs. It was a medium sized home but we only ever saw the same 2/3 family members visiting weekly or less. At christmas time a few extra people would literally stop by for 5 minutes I suppose to feel like they had done their bit and that was it not seen for the rest of year if at all. However what was telling when a resident passed was how quickly they came to collect things and be ' involved'. The staff were wonderful did there best but honestly It really opened my eyes to hopefully never having to put a loved one in and judt forgetting about them which I felt they often were. These people had some wonderful stories to tell when lucid was a shame to see them so alone.

My parents won't have anyone visit them if they ever end up in a care home, they were both abusive assholes, with no friends, as they always found fault with everyone.

My DH's 94 year old Grandad has loads of friends, he's a nice person who makes an effort.

Yes, that can be true but we don't always know the situation. Some people never really had families, or all their closest family members died before them. It's sad, but doesn't always mean neglect.

I think more people should consider volunteering to help or visit elderly people either in their neighbourhood or in care homes. That can make a huge difference to people without relatives nearby, But if some elderly people reject such help or companionship, this must be accepted: some older people, like some younger peoplw, prefer to keep themselves to themselves.

Well, then you end up on your own? No one else's fault, if you PREFER to be on your own? And didn't make the effort with people when younger.

I have a sibling in a care home. It’s rare for any of the other residents to get visitors or taken out for day trips etc. I think their families have mostly died

That sounds fun! What's their handle?

Talk to the cinnamon roll, OP. 🥐

Many of these people were (at least) emotionally abusive towards their (now adult) kids.
It's the case of my surviving elderly parent, who gets a visit once in roughly three years.
(No care home, her apartment in another country).
In the situation you are talking about, she wouldn't see me often, either.
Everyone is different, however, this was prevalent.
Let these people get on with it, hopefully they will reflect.

Im not advocating for anyone else. It was MY choice for MY own well being, my DF died 4 months ago and it has given me peace, i did what was decent, not what was deserved. Others can do what is right for them, i did what was right for me

THIS. Older people in care homes are no different to anyone else of any other age!
It would be far more ageist and patronising to infantilise all older people and suggest they are all one pitiful, homogenous mass whom noone cares about.

Some people in their 40s lack friends or family, some people in their 20s lack social connections and are lonely or cant find a partner. Loneliness is not solely a problem experienced by those in their 80s or 90s.

I think people are also forgetting that not everyone WANTS loads of people around them. I'm an introvert and perfectly happy in my own company. I cant imagine anything fcking worse than a random stranger visiting me and making awkward and stilted small talk. I would absolutely hate that.

What goes around comes around. My mother died alone and uncared for. Exactly what she deserved

I feel more sad for the elderly people living on their own homes reliant on carers twice a day but with no other visitors
I come into contact with many in this situation and they all describe an aching loneliness, especially in an ever increasing age of technology.
At least in a care home you have hustle and bustle around you, staff, housekeeping and communal rooms, if you’re still in your own home, elderly and with mobility issues/sight issues and live on your own that seems to be so much worse.

Same here.

That's what I was saying: while most people fear loneliness, some people may PREFER to be on their own, or may have only ever desired the company of very few peoplew (e..g. a spouse) who may now be dead.

Yes but by saying ‘that was the decent thing to do’, by default would suggest anyone who doesn’t visit etc isn’t doing the decent thing.

I know you might not have meant it that way, but I’m just pointing out that this is how it could be perceived.

Sorry Custard. I pinged that off without really thinking about it, but it's actually really hard. Not sure what else to say. Hugs x

That is true to some extent but it is not a complete substitute for visits. For all those saying it is because people are vile - if you come from a small family and are not lucky enough to have children and a family of your own you may find you have no visits due to no fault of your own. But with the way costs are going, a lot of people will not be able to access residential care and will be alone in their homes.

I understand, there's several of my relatives where I would do (and do in one family members case) anything to keep them out of a care home and at the minute I'm looking after them 24/7 and have done for years. If they had to go into a home I would go in regularly to see them, especially as the person I'm looking g after now I know would not cope in a care home as they are not a social butterfly.

My grandparent however, I looked after them until their legs gave out and the they had to go into a home as they needed equipment. This was the same grandparent who was violent and abusive to their spouse, children and grandchildren and who valued drink and themselves above all of them. After getting them settled in we visited once a month until a couple of years in and it was when we had to, say 8 times a year or so. Noone else went to see them and we only went because we had to to top up petty cash, clothes and toiletries etc.

Not one person shed a tear when they finally died.

Not all old people are nice cuddly fun and friendly people. Some you see (like my grandparent) faked it to those outside the house so some thought it until they heard or saw what happened or put enough together to realise it was a mask and the real person was a monster.

My Dad had to go into a care home, and it was clear how many residents got no visitors.

Well, until they died and then everyone was trying to get past the hordes of relatives that turned up to see what the Will said. 🙄

MN really hates old people, doesn't it?
As well as being selfish, greedy, hogging all the housing stock, endangering their grandchildren by giving them squash or crisps or allowing them to watch TV, having pensions and generally just being a Boomer, it now appears that they are all abusive into the bargain.
Some of the definitions of 'abuse' by parents on MN is laughable but sadly feeds into the self-obsessed society we have become.
I don't know where compassion, charity and duty have gone, I suspect cast aside to make room for rights and boundaries. I don't think this is progress.

What's the alternative though OP?
Should we have our elderly loved ones living at home with us?

Why would they physically have to turn up to the care home to find out what was in the Will? The care home wouldn't have this information

I admire the Chinese - having their parents and grandparents living with them as a matter of course, even in small flats. Everyone helps out as much as they're able.

My dad was in a home for severe dementia, sometimes very aggressive with me, sometimes placid. He had already been kicked out of one home for violence towards the staff and the home saying they couldn't handle him. I do know that in his more lucid moments although not knowing who I was, he was comforted by my visits and even right to the end able to play simple card games. He didn't know me but would say I was a good person, heartbreaking. I think you should try at least to visit even just to check on their welfare. Obviously the home was a distressing place to visit as many residents were very unpredictable but the staff were amazing. It wasn't fancy but that is not what makes a good home, a good home is only as good as their worst member of staff. I'm so thankful to the staff they were amazing with my dad. I couldn't do it for a job and I have the utmost admiration for them all.

It's sad, but often it's for a myriad of reasons.

I think of my grandma who spent her adult life in Hertfordshire. She'd have described herself as a "pillar of the community". Always busy, and seemingly always had lots of friends.
She'd been an only child, raised in a succession of boarding schools, and spent holidays with cousins and grandparents.
In her later years, she developed dementia, her DH (my grandpa) pre-deceased her, and the only choice really was to move her into a specialist care home near to one of her sons (my dad). Her other son and his family lived in Cornwall, a good 6 hour drive away. They came once or twice a year. My dad was 20 minute drive away, retired by then, and duty-visited twice a week.

All of her friends from Hertfordshire promised to visit when she moved into the home about an hour and a half drive away. None of them ever did.

Four years later we invited those we could trace to the funeral. A few replied, sent condolences, but didn't come. And a decent few never replied at all.