To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

MN really hates young people doesn't it? all greedy, selfish AF, out for money, letting their elderly relatives rot away in nursing homes whilst they pick through their belongings like vultures.

Yes, young people are all just disgusting arent they?

That "everyone" often ends up being the women though.

Women who need to work full time, have teenagers to care for too.

Fine if in countries like China there is a large extended family around to share the load, but that isn't so common these days.

Caring for an elderly one at home can be relentless.

It is very sad. My mother used to visit a woman with dementia. Her adult son was unable to visit as he was in care due to a disability. She had nobody else.

I feel the same about people who do those sorts of jobs. The same as people who work with profoundly disabled children.
I've seen first-hand that it's a very difficult job, and not one I can do.

The people who do this sort of work are, I completely believe, angels who walk amongst us.

I think there is this perception that because they are old, they are nice. My FIL is an awful man. My DH visits him but if anything happened to my DH, I certainly wouldn’t go and he’d have no one.

I volunteer for a charity where part of my job includes visiting people in these situations and I'm afraid I have to tell you that a few too many times I have unfortunately come to learn the hard way why the people I've been visiting are lonely. One old man was full of stories about how his selfish family had abandoned him, crying pathetic tears all the while. Very soon that became accompanied by hands up my skirt and me literally fighting him off. A bit more investigation proved him to be not just a bit inappropriate but an all round nasty pervert with a very unpleasant criminal record.

Another visitee ended up stalking me. Psychiatrists had to be involved very quickly and it all got a bit dramatic. Fortunately the charity I work for were very protective and happy to jump in and rescue me. This was another one with a very believable sob story about how all her family were selfish etc. and had unfairly abandoned her.

There are plenty more similar stories and my fellow volunteers have them too. I'm more careful now about who I deal with and how much information I give them.

A few years ago on a thread about lonely old people i commented that in my experience there was quite often a good reason why lonely old people end up that way. There was a huge pile on and I was deemed the world's worst human being for suggesting anyone had brought it upon themselves but obviously it's becoming clear to others too that I was right!

My MIL is one of those who will end up very lonely. In her case I'm pretty sure she would write one of those threads about her awful DIL isolating her from her son but the truth is the opposite and I did try to maintain a relationship for quite a long time but my husband and his brother and sisters just can't stand her and I learned there are very good reasons for that. She doesn't see it that way of course, it's always someone else's fault. We try and avoid seeing her now and it won't change as she gets older and lonelier. My FIL on the other hand (they're not together) is cherished by us and we are actively planning to move him in with us as and when it becomes necessary. These two different stances to my in laws' elderly care needs are a direct reflection on the kind of people they are rather than the kind of people we are.

My parents died long ago. I wasn’t having a go at families, just pointing out that some people have no family which is why they get no visitors

Zingally: Yes definitely Angels!

I actually have a friend whose grandparents helped out a lot with looking after him when he was a child. He was very grateful, and very fond of them. He bought his own house in his 20s and invited his grandparents to come and live with him and his wife. His grandfather had dementia. They eventually both died, the grandfather just living to see the birth of my friend's son.

My mother handed me on a plate to her father knowing he was a pedophile because she "idolised him" and then called me a little whore, abused me verbally my whole life and wished cancer on me for getting pregnant outside of marriage. If I lived next door to the nursing home she goes into in the next few years I still wouldn't visit her.

I don't think anyone has ever said that.
The stuff about old people is said day in, day out on here.

Are you suggesting the majority of posters on here who explain why they don’t visit THEIR parents because they WERE/ARE abusive are wrong? Wow…..

My friend also pushed everyone away so there is only me left to visit. I go
weekly, but would love to stop going.

You just minimised abuse and told people their definitions of it are wrong.

Thats pretty terrible. Who the hell are you to decide if someone was abused as a child or that it wasnt bad enough.

Bloody hell

I completely agree 👍

It’s unbelievable

Similar in hospitals, weeks go by with non or very few visits. But as soon as it becomes close to the end all and sundary show up.

You might hate a visit from a stranger who felt sorry for you and find it awkward. However, some care home residents might enjoy it. One of my grandmothers was quite happy to chew the volunteers' ears off by telling them about how she did all the shopping for the care home and helped out with various local events, and how her own grandparents were coming to visit. Memories from the 1920's, the 1960's and the current day were all mixed up with a bit of confabulation into long, surreal monologues, which she enjoyed telling.

Children are by nature desperate to love and be loved by their parents and care givers. This desire for a good relationship carries on into adulthood, and it is devastating to realise it is never going to happen. Nobody says they have been abused lightly. Nobody wants to have a relative they can't visit because it is too traumatic.

I hope this introduction to human psychology helps.

Probably some people without visitors have been horrible to or distanced themselves from their families, but looking around at my older friends, it seems that who ends up with an involved family is more arbitrary than that. Some sons and daughters who have a lot to complain about remain devoted to their ageing parents, some affectionate parents are pretty much forgotten by their children in the busy-ness of everyday life.

I would be that person . Ok I have a dh , but if he'd already died , I wouldn't have anyone to visit me as family over 200 miles away .
( Hopefully they would ship me to be near to them ! )

This conversation is really part of a much wider debate - or at least it should be - about how we handle our elderly population. Neither residential care homes nor staying in their own homes are very good solution in many cases and the cost is becoming unsustainable. Suggesting family takes on more of the care or moves their old people in with them is also definitely not a good solution in many ways. We know part of the problem is that people are living longer and suffering from long term conditions that in the past people often died before having to deal with. Our current 'plan' if there is one just isn't working. I also don't have an easy solution but I think the conversation needs to become more important, among families themselves and among governments.

One idea I do like and would like to see happening more often is the sort of 'Golden Girls' idea that someone mentioned upthread. Staying home and affording the level of personal care needed often isn't possible but if groups of older people could get together and create a kind of alternative student housing situation, like elderly housemates, I think this could be helpful in many cases. They could have more privacy than in a residential home, could have a choice in their companions and would also get company. The cost of help at home could be split between them making it much more achievable. I know this isn't some kind of amazing Utopia that could solve all of society's problems but I think there are many situations where it could provide a very suitable halfway house between full residential care or aging into oblivion alone at home.

Another thing I'd like to see happening more too is seeing older people who don't want to move out of their homes which are now too large for them and when they're struggling to manage alone taking in grandchildren. The younger generation who want to move out of their parents' place but can't afford it. The older person gets to stay in their own home but with the company and the security of someone else around, plus a small amount of rental income from their lodger (below market rate for obvious reasons). The younger person gets the cheap rent in a hopefully decent property, independence from their parents plus, within reason, guidance on how to live away from their parents for the first time. Of course this only works based upon a pretty rigorous set of parameters that would involve sensitivity to the other's needs and both being decent people! If one person wants something different out of the arrangement to the other then resentment would quickly set in! Quite often the grandparent/grandchild relationship is quite special and the dynamics support both sides really well. I have seen it work. I believe Janet Ellis was doing this at one point with her eldest grandson.

My dad died alone in a care home. I saw him once, a month before he died. It broke my heart then and it does now. But it wasn’t for want of a lifetime of trying. I’m making it up as much as I can by volunteering with the lonely elderly in my local town.

Had you considered the idea of moving closer to your family BEFORE you reach that point? It would then be much easier for them to deal with and probably easier on you too.

That's an interesting point.
When my elderly parents were at the end of their lives with crisis after crisis my sister and I divided the load. So much easier if others pitch in. I've seen many friends face this stage in life and it's very hard for those who are only children or have a sibling who doesn't help.

It’s @ retirementhouse on insta