To think it’s really sad how many care home residents don’t get visitors?

[RoomByTheWindow]

I recently read something that said a huge percentage of care home residents never get a single visitor. No family, no friends - not even during holidays or birthdays. That’s stayed with me.

I know every situation is different. Some families are far away, some relationships are strained. But still, the idea that people can live out their final years with so little human contact feels bleak. Even a short visit or a card can mean the world.

I’m not trying to guilt-trip anyone. I just think we don’t talk enough about what it means to age in a society where people are too busy, too distant or too uncomfortable to show up.

AIBU to feel really unsettled by this and to think more of us should be checking in?

Beat me to it. It would be the younger and middle aged women in the family doing all the care (if the elderly members of the family moved in with the middle aged adult children, and grandchildren...) As well as very likely holding down a job, looking after children/ferrying them about, and doing all the wifework. The men ain't gonna be doing shit!

Nothing to 'admire' about that. It's unrealistic for many families to have their elderly relatives living with them, and will only result in already frazzled women in the sandwich generation having more work piled onto them!

Exactly this. ^ I can't think of anything worse than random strangers rocking up, trying to engage in conversation with me. Awkward and pointless small talk with someone I have nothing in common with, and don't have any shared history with. Just cringeworthy. I'm sure some people may enjoy it, but it would NOT be for me!

Like I couldn't think of anything worse than moving into one of those residential homes, where you have shared communal areas, and group activities and the like. OMG nooooooooooooooo! 😖

I agree OP. My mum moved into a care home just after the end of the second lockdown when some restrictions were still in place so I always had to book to go in to see her, do a Covid test and complete a form in the log, and then sign the visitors book. It always shocked me and made me very sad that it was unusual to see more than one other visitor in any of the books between my visits.

I think this thread is about two things really:

1. That it is very sad that, through no fault if their own, some people end up with no, or very little family. This could be for a number of reasons - infertility, being childless by circumstance, being an only child and having no wider family, tragic deaths of family members, especially children and probably lots more reasons I haven't thought of.

1. That as a previous poster pointed out, the current elderly care system is more tailored to those with larger, and involved families. I would like to see more continuous care communities, which are much more common in the USA, with older people of varying ages living together. These are sites where you can move in whilst you are still independent, and then move through the different levels of care, if or when required. Such places do exist in the UK, but from what I can see they tend to be very expensive. We need some similar, but more affordable solutions.

Did i say that? No, I didnt at all.
You've interpreted what i wrote in that way all by yourself!

During the Covid news reports of care home residents not able to have visitors (which obviously was awful), my DM used to raise a wry eyebrow having experienced visiting her FIL and her DM in care homes. DP (but mainly DM) looked after my grandad after a stroke and several years later my grandmother until her late 90s with dementia until it was too much for them to cope with. She made a point of visiting them in their homes two or three times a week (for company and to make sure they were being well looked after). She noticed that most residents had few visitors or none at all. In my grandmother's home, there was only one other resident who had regular visits from family.

It's a bit depressing isn't it?

It's almost as if their family couldn't be bothered to visit them. Or were they ALL monsters? MN has some very virulent parent haters.

Some people don’t have children , grow old and then don’t have kids to visit or connected family

Oh yeah, it must be because they all have unhinged kids who go NC for fun. Vile children, it couldn’t possibly be because they were terrible parents…..

People are being kept going long past their live by date. I doubt many people in their 60's today will want the same for themselves having seen what it can entail.

I’ve worked in care homes & also on an elderly care ward in a hospital. There are so many reasons a person may not have visitors, most of which have already been mentioned.

If you consider that somebody in their 90s is unlikely to have young children. Often they are in their 70s & can be more unwell or disabled than the parent.

Some elderly people were vile younger people & burnt all bridges with those who would potentially visit.

And some are amazingly lovely, caring older people who have been dumped by selfish, inconsiderate families.

Some families stay away because visits are distressing for everyone but they tend to phone or email for regular updates.

Whichever is true, visitors tend to appear at the very end of life. Either to say goodbye with love or to throw their weight about as if they’ve ever cared (yes I may be cynical of some).

May I ask, what happens to those with nobody in your experience?

MIL is in care. She and FIL chose to prioritise SIL and her DC over us with time and money for many years, they got about 90% input. SIL can now pay back 90%. Our 10% is when we can.

I work in a care home and there are some residents who never have visitors but they are never alone unless they want to be.
we have a wonderful team of carers, nurses, therapists and volunteers. There are also plenty of activities going on every day.
If you feel sad at the thought of older people not having visitors you could volunteer at a care home where you live. They would always welcome you and it’s very rewarding

In the care home I work in those who have no family will have carers who will be with them. They are never left alone at the end of their life.

That's very good to hear. I have no family, so my chances of having any visitors are low, but I do sometimes think I could be happy even without, so long as there were some caring staff around and a good range of activities.

I’m 67 and definitely plan to live as long as possible, living a healthy lifestyle, social life and lively mind. None of my friends dwell on hoping they die early so they don’t have to go into a care home

It is incredibly sad.

For some, they have no living family (no children, other relatives dead). For others, family is not in touch.

I found it very sad that as a doctor in hospital, I was trying to let family know that their relative was dying, only to find there was no one to inform. I tried exhausting all options to find a relative or next of kin, but sometimes there was genuinely no one.

Through no fault of mine, I have no immediate family and my friendship circle is greatly diminished.

Sometimes, the only person that I see in a day is a stranger who chats to me in a cafe or at the gym. Until you're in this position, you won't understand.

Sadly that will be me one day and I feel so incredibly upset by it. What a sad, sad situation to end up in.

So far as hospital is concerned, my NOK is an 80 yr old cousin who lives a good bit away from me. Another cousin is closer, but he is seriously ill.

I admit that I'm finding some of the sweeping assumptions on this thread rather upsetting.

My mum has dementia, my dad visits most days and uncle weekly and aunt every 3-6 months. I go every 6 weeks but I live 300 miles away and work full time. Do I feel guilty, yes but I haven’t got £130 to go every weekend and not ever see my family or friends at home. Is it shit, yes.

It is very upsetting. Some of us are in this situation through no fault of our own. And some of the children of people on here might find themselves in the same situation as us down the line. Nobody really knows how their future will play out.

I think there’s a big difference between situations like yours and those where family really don’t bother until relative is dying then all suddenly appear. DW works as a district nurse and sees this happen far too often

As many people have mentioned above, there are a variety of reasons people
don’t visit.

I have aunts and uncles who I barely knew, they couldn’t reliably call me the right name when they were able. We were/are strangers.

I still visit an ex-landlady from 30 years ago who showed me much kindness in the 2 years I lived with her.