To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

I don’t think any of those scenarios are a problem, no. But the not telling your partner about it is weird especially if that’s deliberate. Not in an asking permission way, but just mentioning in passing.

Exactly that. Some men. Some women too.

isnt that pretty obvious? He’s not at risk of shagging male friends. This is such a stupid argument

Well I have never wanted to shag my male or female friends as they are friends… so I don’t see why the sex makes a difference unless they are more than friends..🤔

isnt that pretty obvious? He’s not at risk of shagging male friends. This is such a stupid argument

Hard disagree. Just because I have male friends doesn't mean I'm at risk of accidentally falling on their dick. I don't find them attractive purely because they're male. Weird take.

It seems like I’m the odd one out here. I’ve been with DH for 34 years and no way would I be comfortable with him having single female friends he sees without me and neither would he. Maybe we are strange but our friends are the same.
it’s just inviting trouble I don’t want in our marriage. To be clear- we have work colleagues we are friendly with etc but we would not go out to dinner with them or socialize with them alone. Coffee or lunch during work time? Sure. Dinner or going out after work nope. Friends with his friends or my friends husbands. Of course. But not single men I happen to randomly meet.
I appreciate this makes me really against what seems to be the norm here but after a long marriage this is what works for us.

So basically us single women are only to see females, or males with their partners?
Is it the 1930s?

I have plenty of male friends, some single, some not, some are even exes who are now friends, we talk about music, politics, arts, society, gossips about other friends, like with any other people. Being single doesn't mean that everyone wants to shag you or that you want to shag everyone.

Tricky.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a man who has very close female friends he sees 1:1. That’s my prerogative and a boundary I have. I just wouldn’t get involved with a man who has those kinds of friendships in the first place, and as my relationship progressed, I would explain that it would be an issue for me.

If you have never discussed this kind of thing with DH before, I think it’s more problematic.

You need to decide how much of a deal breaker it is for you. What I would do or any other poster would do is irrelevant. It’s your life, your relationship and your decision what you’re comfortable with.

He's not at risk of shagging female friends either, if it's platonic on all sides and if all parties have a semblance of morality and self-control. That is literally the point that poster was trying to make.

What on earth must it be like living in a world where a man and a woman are automatically at risk of shagging if they're left alone together

It sounds as though they are dating each other.
It sounds as though DH spends more time with this OW than his wife.

I can’t understand half the answers in here! On what planet does a man want to hang around with a woman on their own. It’s weird. It’s not a trust thing but men and women don’t make friends randomly if they’re not work colleagues. I’d say no hang around with your male friends 🙈 and also it is very rare that a male and female friendship is purely platonic- one always would sleep with the other or at least have an attraction!

What a load of twaddle many of my friends are male most of my interests are male dominated they are amazing, supportive and a lot more straightforward than most women as friends. We have lots in common to talk about. Go abroad with them to watch gigs

All purely platonic, my DH has no issues with any of them

Yes it appears there are lots of women on here who think their relationships are precarious

Explain 2 of my male friends then. One ive known since 1998 and the other since about 2010. Why on earth would they consider me " unsuitable " to hang around with.? I'm confused here. One of them i go out for a drink with or to see local bands etc and alao travelled across asia with.

Another we,ve chewed the fat on every subject under the sun over the years and probably rambled a load of shite also

One thing we had never done is shag each other or even a drunken snog

I've always had platonic female friends who I've never had any wish to shag, but like as friends. If anyone tried to tell me I couldn't keep those friendships going, they'd be told to bugger off 👍

On what planet wouldn’t a man want to hang around with a woman he shared interests with and got on with? Women are - and brace yourself, this might come as a shock - people, just like men!

Fingers only, definitely not full sex is ours for female friends. Joking. I mean, boundaries are just normal relationship ones, who on paranoid earth is setting specific rules for specific friends. If you trust him, you trust him. Dh has had holidays away with female friends, because I know nothing would occur, it wouldn't cross my mind to remind him not to cheat or set parameters, what would you be looking at here "no hugging, no cinemas because the dark might be a turn on". Fgs. If they're friends, they're friends. I can't imagine a world where we set socialising rules for one another (and I wouldn't want to live like that). Trust and respect either exist or they don't, if you're asking the question then there's a gap.
The scenarios you mention have nothing to do with gender and everything to do with him not prioritising you or communicating with you - there's your gap, not the friends bits and pieces. Focus on the relationship with him, what's going wrong to leave you feeling unprioritised, is it a you thing (jealous, irrational) or a him thing (genuinely not prioritising you and socialising more than spending time with you), it's a moot point who the friend is. If you can't trust him he's either creating that feeling through his choices (simply telling him not to, is not the answer to this, he should want to respect you), or something in your past isn't letting you trust him and you need to work through it yourself.

This. No amount of “rules” and “boundaries” can stop someone from acting on sexual or emotional feelings.

I always find it baffling when someone posts on here about suspected cheating and others will respond to say “you need to grip it” or “read the riot act” or “get control OP”. It completely misses the point about how this works.You can’t police the feelings or behaviour of another adult by imposing rules. They are not your boundaries to enforce.

Its a binary choice: you trust someone to not cheat or you don’t. It you don’t, the relationship is dead so you leave.

What a depressing outlook.

I agree you can’t or shouldn’t control other people’s behaviour.

I do disagree that you can’t have a boundary which says “I will not be in a relationship with someone who does XYZ” I think that is perfectly valid.

So you can’t tell a partner “you can’t smoke”

But you can say “I will not be in a relationship with a smoker.”

It does need to be followed up with action though, and not be some shitty manipulation tactic.

A genuine ultimatum like “I understand quitting smoking is difficult. I am willing to remain in the relationship until X date to give you the chance to quit” is OK.

@Zempy

I completely agree with you that everyone has the right and the agency to decide what they will and will not tolerate. I just mean you can’t impose your boundaries on someone else. Ultimately if someone wants to cheat they will cheat and no amount of being told “these are my boundaries” will change that.

I hate it when people position this as it being the woman’s job to be the moral policeman in the relationship, laying down rules and “boundaries”, its sexist crap which harks back to a stereotype where the woman is a controlling battleaxe and the man is a weak idiot who is led astray by anything in a skirt. Like something from a 1970s sitcom. I would be embarrassed to be in a marriage like this, let alone trying to save it.

Its also just nonsense that you can force someone to accept your “boundaries”. By definition your boundaries are different.

The only recourse open to you in that situation is to end the relationship. That’s the only real veto you have.

I think we actually agree.

Where it goes wrong is where we see posters setting out reasonable boundaries, which are trampled over, and they stay in the relationship.

Whats the point? It wasn’t actually a boundary at all in that case, but an attempt to control.

Yep completely. A genuine boundary basically means being ready to walk.

Just because she's single it doesn't mean she wants your dh