To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

Is it him or her you do not trust and if her, is it just because she is single?

Why would you DH start going out socialising with a woman he vaguely knows

Same!

A friend of mine got together with his current partner after a few years of dating during which he made a few female friendships. He just quietly stopped doing evenings out with his female friends until they had met his partner (a few months in some cases as he did the meeting in a natural way rather than "female friend, please meet new DP asap so we can continue having dinners together". He basically just made sure his new DP was comfortable with the friend. I think he still did some lunches/coffees with female friends and just made sure he was transparent with his new DP. He also made sure they did more group things with his new DP often including the female friend's partners. So he just quietly but deliberately shifted the friendships a bit and made sure his DP was included sometimes even if not all the time.

I think I'd just have a chat to your DP about what he thinks, maybe reverse it and say obviously if you had a male single friend, you probably wouldn't do anything too "date-like" as that would feel a bit disrespectful to him. I'd just see how that conversation develops as your DP may get it and make his own decisions based on your comfort (which I think would be the best outcome rather than a set of "rules").

If you have got to the stage where you have to tell your partner what he can or cannot do with regards to a friendship with a woman, then the relationship is dead.

There is already an unspoken boundary of “don’t cheat on your partner”. If you are worried he’ll ignore that, why would he follow your other boundaries? And this is a friend he’s had for years, and you’re married to him - what has made you think of boundaries now?

I have a close male friend I’ve known for longer than I’ve known DH. We’ve been single at the same time, if we wanted to date we would have done that already. There’s nothing romantic at all between us. And if DH had started putting boundaries in at the start of our relationship for how I could see my friend, I’d have ended the relationship. If he tried to do it now I’d think he’d lost his mind.

This is ridiculous. You don't need boundaries beyond what you might set for any male friends he has. Don't you trust him? Or her?

none. if he's gonna cheat, he's gonna do it. he doesn't need me to tell him to keep his tongue or penis to himself. he knows what the consequences would be.

Think we need more context op

don't shag her or he leaves

Do you seriously refuse to go out with any of your mates until DH has met them?

Why?

I will be going against what seems to be norm on Mumsnet (but def not in my social circle!) to say this but DH does not have any solo female friends nor would I be happy if he did. Not controlling in the terms of our relationship as I don’t have any solo male friends and he certainly wouldn’t be happy if I did. I did have one male friend who was my best friend but he was very flamboyantly gay and very sadly passed away two years ago. DH never cared about that.

We do socialise with the opposite sex as the majority of our friends are couples and we both get along absolutely fine with both genders. He has male friends (who are his but I also consider mine) come to the house solo and I socialise with them but they are very much there to see DH. Vice versa with my female friends. Now I think about it I don’t think any of my female friends have male friends and I’m not sure DH’s friends have female friends… that I know of anyway.

DH did have one long term female friend when we met and she caused nothing but issues for us… ended up in a huge blow up argument with the two of them falling out, never to speak again. I never said anything but I’m sure it’s because she had feelings for him and always romanticised they would end up together. So I would absolutely setting boundaries with a female friend in that they couldn’t have solo time together one on one because I know for a fact my husband would for me. I guess it all depends on your relationship though. I know some women on here wouldn’t accept that because they have male friends but this would be very normal for my marriage.

How would he behave if you had a male friend?

Very similar situation here. I've been friends with this guy for 26 years and only know DP 10.

His love life is a bit of a disaster most of the time but we've never had anything non platonic between us, even when off travelling for a month this year

but why don't you trust each other?

twice a year I go to the city (mine or his) and we spend the day together - like 12 - 7 pm. we have a drink, do some sightseeing, talk. if DH didn't trust me to not also shag him whilst I was there, I wouldn't think much of our marriage.

I have another male friend who I used to do baby club with. I know his partner, she once dated an ex of mine 🤣 but it's him I went to club alone with. he was so good with my kids people assumed he was the Dad. dH was just glad I had support with our multiplies

My DPs best friend is a lady. He speaks to her on the phone when I am in bed sometimes (their schedules work better that way). Now and then they meet up. She's lovely and also married. I trust DP, it's not an issue but their meet ups are very rare and I hear all about it afterwards.

How often is he seeing her? Is it a new thing? If yes why now? Why haven’t you met her?

When I met first dh he had a close female friend he would occasionally meet with and texted regularly, I felt very uncomfortable (due to my own insecurities) and the friendship faded out (possibly due to dh knowing it worried me but also distance once he moved in with me.)
Now 20 years in I wouldn’t have issue with a female friend as I trust him completely but I would be curious as to how it developed.

I do trust him and he trusts me. We go out without each other all the time. With people of the same sex.

The things I find interesting I would never share with a man so I have no interest in a male friend. If someone I went to university with who was male wanted to catchup I would be suspicious and wouldn’t go because what’s his motive?

I don’t think a woman should be dating any man that isn’t her husband and my husband is on the same page. Every relationship is very different and obviously a person has to date someone with the same mindset.

The introduction of someone of the opposite sex would be completely foreign to our relationship hence why I asked OP how her husband would react to her having a male friend.

If my DH tried to “set boundaries” around my friendships I’d think he was losing his mind.

I dislike the very term ‘ground rules’. It always sounds so bossy and controlling. To me, anyway.

This is controlling and not normal. Is there a reason you do not trust your DH?

Are you in quite a new relationship OP? Is that why you don't know her? I am presuming from your I don't know her at all that you haven't met her?

None, unless there's a backstory.

My husband and I have both had single friends of the opposite sex and socialised without each other with them, it's fine.

Call me cynical but I feel uneasy about married men/partners meeting up with female friends alone.

Good lord. I can't think of anything else to say to this.