To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

it is NOT a date. a date has intentions. I could meet you for dinner this evening, share a bottle of red with you, laugh over a good steak, even let you try my tiramisu but i can absolutely confirm it would not be a date and i wouldn't be trying to get into your knickers.

You have to be making that up, to elicit a response?

My DH is a police officer. The affair rate in the police is unhinged. I wouldn't want to be friends with men that I have randomly met, I wouldn't want my DH to be friends with women that he has randomly met.

I have a male friend that I’ve known since high school. We’re now in our 40s. DH has met him a few times but I see him more often as I sometimes travel to his city for work. I’d be appalled if DH tried to set any kind of ground rules. Frankly if anything were going to happen between us we’d had 24 years of opportunity before I met DH (and friend met his lovely girlfriend).

why wouldn't you share anything interesting with a man? genuine question. Last conversation withy male friend was about the movie Burgonia. I also talked to DH about it but he hasn't seen it so I couldn't discuss the ending with him. friend and I occasionally talk politics. we talk about mutual friends. TV. music. his parents. my kids. why can't you share any of that with someone on account of them being a man?

TIL that all the times I travelled with and therefore had dinner alone with my 20 years older male boss that they were dates!! Presumably the same applies when I go out for dinner with a gay friend, at least from her point of view? Well I never.

Your his wife not his mother hes an adult not a child.
You cant control him.

Is this the how society has become as adults we have to ask another adult if we are allowed out to see mates.
As an adult i dont ask for permission to go out, i will say im going and when but dont stop me dont try to give me a curfew, because i dont need anyones permission.

Yes Police are well known for colleague affairs & relationships, it’s right there in plain sight. Seems to be a tolerated occupational dalliance.
However, the behaviour of one occupational group doesn’t mean that everyone has to be managed and set rules
Not sure what you mean by friends and randomly met? Surely once there is rapport and habit then it is no longer random?

oh dear. my princcipal requirements for my twice yearly catch up alone with my male friend is somewhere nice to eat and a cocktail bar. I expect to get tipsy. we're out all day so I'm not in a tiny cocktail dress but I dress in something I like and feel nice in.

a pp summed it up perfectly. if you have romantic feelings, rgen anything can be romantic. if you don't, nothing is. drinks and a museum could be a great date with DH but it's just a lovely day out with my mate. because I don't want to have sex with him and I do withy husband.

All these people on here giving advice which I bet they wouldn’t agree with themselves if they were in op position 🤣

Well, none unless you think he'll cheat with her, in which case you shouldn't be with him.

I'd want to meet her though. Same as any friends I had of either sex, I'd want my partner to get on with them too and potentially also be friends.

Bet we would. I won’t use an inappropriate emoji

The big clue here is that you've never met her. It was incumbent on both of them to address early on - not leave it for years as if you're a peripheral part of his life.

Why what?

I would seriously be questioning why you feel the need to put any boundaries in place - you clearly don’t trust him so why are you with him? Any decent partnership it would not even come up as an issue because there’s just that implicit trust that nothing else would happen, they are with and for you no questions asked.

I don't understand why you married him. men are not to be trusted and he's in a career where it's well known affairs are common. You're answer is to ensure he only has affairs with long standing friends or colleagues?

I'm not one of those women who replies to posts on here about partners acting shady with 'if you trust them then what's the issue?'.

That's BS – someone is only trustworthy until they act untrustworthy.

To that end, I'm also not the kind of woman to give my partner 'ground rules' because they should be acting in that way anyway – without me having to say I expect it. As soon as they don't, they have become untrustworthy.

It's as simple (and sometimes horrible!) as that.

Rubbish. Some men cannot be trusted granted, same for some women tbf I am sure. But there are plenty of men who have genuine friendships with women that would never overstep anything other than that where it’s not appropriate, because they are actual grown ass men, not children 🙄 And the fact you “allow” your DH friends or not sounds truly unhealthy and controlling.

Is there a backstory or additional information to this? You say he's known her "vaguely" for years. I assume something has changed recently that's triggered your post? I agree with most people here that on the surface this seems to be odd and controlling, but if he's suddenly increasing contact with her, talking about her a lot, meeting her alone whereas before it was in a group then maybe there's a reason you're worried.

I assume it's because OP's DH has already behaved in an untrustworthy way with said friend.

It's reassuring to me to see all the MN passengers taking up seats on the same train as me... you @nipersvest seem to be the only one on another train on a different platform.

If you haven't got total trust in all areas... what have you got? Nothing IMHO. If you haven't talked and explored all the deep, divisive and difficult questions about being in an exclusive relationship, committed to the long term, about dealing with other people: ex's, friends, work colleagues, randomers on a night out, etc. you don't have a clear idea about how your partner might act, think and feel in various situations - I'm guessing this is the root of the problem - this communication, this exploration is part of the groundwork involved in developing trust. If you have, and you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust - that's your choice isn't it: if you don't like the anxiety of it, get out.

No need to set boundaries
If there's no trust move on

🙄 no need to be petty 😘 😂

I would never set any rules or boundaries, I trust my DH until he gives me reason not to basically, but rules or boundaries regardless, if someone wants to cheat they will, so it's pointless either way.

I expect him to trust me too. It works both ways. I work away often, sometimes just with another male colleague and we go out for dinner together, go to bars, stay in the same hotel and have breakfast. Would be very hard if my DH didn't trust me and tried to instill 'rules'.

This is quite common in my experience. There are lots of people I've known vaguely - in the wider social circle, friend of a friend, in a common interest group - but for whatever reason we've never spoken a lot or hung out one on one. (Talking about women as well as men.)

Then one of us moves house and suddenly we live 10 minutes away rather than an hour. Or one of us starts working in something related to the other person's career and there's a reason to discuss those things. Or sometimes after years of just making small talk, you get sat next to each other at a wedding and realise you have tons to talk about properly. Or you bump into each other somewhere completely unexpected and end up hanging out properly for once. Etc etc etc.