To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

Oh and re: first scenario, if we were both at home (not travelling) and I had no idea where DP was eating for both dinner one night and lunch the next day, I would assume our communication breakdown was the bigger problem.

I think Sat evening and then the lunch is possibly a bit much but at least it isn't Sat evening, staying at hers and then the lunch but while I am single and have male friends I would not go out for an evening meal with one that is in a relationship.

With busy lives, children, work etc, I'd think it really odd if DH chose to spend a rare night out to have an intimate dinner or drinks with a lone female when we get so little opportunity to go out ourselves. It is so rare that these friendships are truly platonic, there is usually at least one side that has feelings for the other and someone will end up getting hurt.

I guess that makes me a very uncool wife and Dh an uncool husband.

Because I talk to my female friends about fashion, beauty, shared experiences growing up and what’s going on in my personal life. The latter imo is too intimate to be discussing with someone of the opposite sex (I wouldn’t like my husband sitting down over drinks and discussing his personal life with another woman) and I can’t see myself ever meeting a man that I would think wow I want to be friends with them and share these interests with.

As I said I can hold a convo with a man but I doubt I’m ever going to find one interesting enough to want to be friends with- and vice versa! A friendship with a man has never interested me.

'You are not unreasonable. I’m sorry but most men that I know of would not wish to go out with a single female 1:1. Out with a male pal for a pint or something -fine. Mixed group of friends-fine'

Yes it's all just very weird, once you're in a relationship fine grab a sausage roll with a pal if you bump into them but you just don't have cosy Sat nights out or lunches at their house just the 2 of you.

Honestly it's no wonder relationships board is full of people surprised that their dp is having a fling. Relationships and socialising evolve as we get a bit older it tends to be a group event, there's no need for cost 1 to 1 evening dates meals and the pp who is bisexual why are you even married to a woman if you fancy men .

Don't have an affair with her. Do feel free to maintain a close friendship? What else is there?

I think the concept of setting ground rules is bizarre. If someone is going to over step a boundary then they will do so regardless of "rules".

I wouldn't expect my DH to go to dinner and lunch without telling me about it. Not because he has to but because its basic common courtesy.

In your scenario 2 I would have no issues.

So you know bisexual and pansexual people are allowed to get married, right?

Now would a married bisexual or pansexual person be expected to have no friends in case they accidentally felt a spark of sexual attraction?

No. If you get married you are deciding that one person is your partner for life, and vow to be faithful to them until death. There is no problem whatsoever with maintaining other lesser friendships, even with people who belong in categories that you might theoretically fancy.

You don't decide what his ground rules are with him having friendships. Either you trust him to keep his vows or you don't trust him and the relationship is dead anyway.

So the men in your life are either family, or sexual partners? That seems to be missing out somehow. I have great, close, female friends and I think we enhance each other's lives.

Totally platonic but with shared interests like music, politics etc.

As long as your happy though. Not everyone needs to live the same way. Thanks for taking the time to reply

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries, as long as they are reasonable. All relationships have boundaries. If the other partner doesn’t like them they are free to leave.

I do think some people are being overly cool here. There are ‘friend’ scenarios and ‘date’ scenarios and I think a Saturday night meal out is the latter, especially if they are seeing one another on Sunday too.

There are people who are really controlling but also threads on here where it is apparent to everyone but the poster that they are having an affair in plain sight!

The ground rules would be: that’s not happening mate.

I don't have to introduce all my friends to each other. I said I know DHs friends and he knows mine. I think it's normal for your spouse to know your friends - I don't compartmentalise the people I care about. My close friends know my DH well and they know my family too. We have bbqs, parties etc where they all see each other.

Not exactly. As I said my DH’s friends come over to the house and I will chat to them. I like them all, we have fun. We go out as a group with his friends and partners. We go out with my friends and their partners.

We also socialise with couples and have a great time, I would consider them both as my friends and not just the “partner of x” but I would have no desire to see the male of the couple one on one. Nor would DH with the female. As I previously mentioned I did have a male best friend who was gay and he passed away but other than that no male friends.

I don’t think I’m missing out at all. I chat to colleagues in the office and would chat to men in class at school and university if I was sat next to them but I’ve yet to find a man I (beside previously mentioned best friend) I’ve wanted to hang out with platonically.

Men are perfectly capable of holding conversations about fashion and "shared experiences growing up" seem gender-neutral.

Men are invaluable to talk to you about your personal life in terms of dating, attraction, sexuality in the abstract. In terms of my own sex life, I'm not talking about that with my female friends either!

But do you never talk about politics, art, literature, sports, music, travel, food, nature, social issues, local issues, technology to name just a few other topics that are definitely not genitalia-dependent to talk about...

the pp who is bisexual why are you even married to a woman if you fancy men

Possible contender for most batshit thing I've read on MN this week - always a strong field but this is something extra-special!

God I’m glad my husband isn’t like that. Most of my gig going friends are male ( the type of music is male dominated). I go away with them to foreign countries, camp with them, share car rides with them. If my DH started setting boundaries I’d be telling him to do one. Only an idiot would allow their other half to control friendships, it’s betting on abusive.

it's such an odd stance to take, that

1. you can ever imagine anything that you'd ever want to talk about with a man unless he's chaperoned
2. you presumably do talk to your husband alone.

Do you think they all just want to have sex with you?
Do you think no man apart from your can possibly be intelligent or interesting?
what if you ever have/had a grown up son?

well we have kids so Saturday night then Sunday afternoon is an issue regardless of sex. hers or mutual

I am very much capable of holding a conversation as I’ve repeated in my multiple posts. Not only do I not think it’s appropriate to sit down over cosy drinks with a man that isn’t my husband, I’ve never met a man I’ve wanted to if it wasn’t dating.

For me to be friends with someone, man or woman, I would want to have multiple of the same interests with them, not just one. There’s many women I wouldn’t chose to sit down and have a drink with if I could help it and I’m sure many women wouldn’t want to sit down and have with me. What’s the point in forced conversation and general chit chat, waste of time imo.

I have lots of friends that have been carefully curated by myself and they are all people I have loads in common with.

I agree this would be a perfectly understandable boundary: we’re childfree and both work from home a lot with a lot of flexibility, and go out for the evening or day together several times a week, so we aren’t exactly scrabbling for time with each other. I can understand feeling put out if a partner wants to spend loads of time with friends to the detriment of couple time, or if weekends are the only time you get to relax together and you’re being excluded.

I find your stance interesting- most of my friends are male, simply because the areas I find of interest are usually dominated by men, eg heavy metal. But I have no issue discussing things like menopause with them, many have passed on tips that their wives found helpful etc.

is it more that you haven’t found any men who have similar interests to you? Are your interests stereotypically feminine?

What would be your do's and don'ts?

None.

It's none of my business who my partner socialises with, and any attempt to police the company I keep wouldn't be tolerated either.

Sorry, your husband or your unruly kid?
Another adult trying to set "ground rules" for me would be erased from my life.
How odd!

If that first scenario has happened then you have a problem. Has it?
Was this friend someone you knew about from early on in your relationship?

What?! That’s like saying to a straight person “why are you even married to that man/woman when you fancy other men/women?” Ridiculous. And of course you can still have 1-1 meals with friends when you’re married. You don’t suddenly become a conjoined twin with your spouse.