To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

Didn’t quite catch that? Try an emoji, that’ll add some gravitas

Probably my only “rule” would be around when they socialised. I’d be a bit miffed if it was just the two of them on a Saturday light for example. But week night after work, maybe even a Friday night and I wouldn’t really care.

And I absolutely wouldn’t set out to make this an agreed rule by the way. But then I can’t imagine my OH going out with any friends without me on a Saturday night.

It is hard to get by this jealousy. When I first got with my husband he had a single female friend, and and I was jealous (my problem, not hers). I actually thought she was great - cool and funny so I decided to drop her a text, she said and go round to see her with a bottle of wine and made her my friend too. That way I got to know and like her! She is still our friend 28 years later!

Wow, I wasn't expecting so many responses! Haven't read them all yet but I will do. Quick addition, I don't have an issue, but after a conversation with a friend, I wanted to put it past the 'MN hive mind' in case I am being naive..

Quite clearly, it's a hot topic!

WTAF!

I have made male friends in work and my DH female friends. I don’t want to have sex with any of my friends so whether they are male or female doesn’t matter to me.

Cheating isn’t acceptable in our relationship so that is our ‘ground rule’ - if either of us cheated are relationship would be over. And if we didn’t treated each other our relationship would be over.

Nope. There is not one single thing on this planet that’s interests me enough where I would want to sit down with a man and talk to him one on one about it. I genuinely cannot think of one. Even pre DH.

I can certainly talk to men and as I mentioned in my pp we have loads of shared friends who are couples and we go out double dating with them and having interesting conversation but there’s not one thing I could think I would have in common with a man that would make me want to sit down and have a drink and discuss it with him.

What has happened organically in me and DH's relationship is that existing friends of the opposite sex (ie from before we got together) remain people that we socialise with as normal, spend time with alone etc. No problem for either of us.

We never disussed it but what has happened is that neither ofus have made close NEW friends of the opposite sex since we go together. We both have work friends of the opposite sex who we might have coffee or lunch with, or share a bit of banter with or whatever, but somehow, those friendships have always remained somewhat arms length. I don't know if that's because we're married or if it's becuase as you get older those really close friendshpis are hard enough to develop at the best of times, x100 when it's the opposite sex.

So old female friend from uni popping up and wanting to meet up with Dh - no problem at all.

DH having lunch with a female work colleague - fine.

But DH meeting up with a female work colleague for a night out on a Saturday, just the two of them.... I'd probably have an issue with that.

I have started a new job recently and there are plenty of people of my age and stage of both sexes. I am getting on with many people and it's lovely. But the ones who I think might become active, "proper" friends with are all women. And that's fine.

Where did they meet? What’s the back story of their friendship?

I don’t think you can give an adult “dos and donts.” If you don’t trust him, it’s a whole separate conversation. My partner has female friends and I’ve never had any concerns.

So what's the difference between discussing something with a bloke compared to a woman? If you share the same interest, or are just enjoying someone's company what is the difference?

I really do not understand why you can't talk to a man about stuff

Exactly this. I have friends from all life stages, of both sexes, & not seeing the male ones because of some weird hang-ups about “respect” would feel so weird.

If you need to set boundaries it’s already broken.

Me and DP have similar ideas about what’s decent behaviour and what isn’t. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be together.

To be honest, I have trusted my husband implicitly since fairly early on.

Yeah lo when i was away with my friend we met for dinner and drinks most nights. And to play pool. Didnt think it was a datel

Do you have to introduce all your friends to each other

This is positive then, that you don’t feel you have anything to worry about with your DH. If your friend is somebody who’s had issues in the past with partners being untrustworthy when it comes to other women then she’ll be carrying those wounds and will project on to your relationship a bit.

If they spend a bit of time together, it’s also fine, if you want, to suggest that you’d like to be included sometimes - in the way you’d just naturally meet the men he spends time with. You might have nothing in common with her and be totally happy that he has somebody he can watch Superman at the cinema with, or talk about reinsurance mark to market losses with over a drink; or, you might make a new friend.

You are not unreasonable. I’m sorry but most men that I know of would not wish to go out with a single female 1:1. Out with a male pal for a pint or something -fine. Mixed group of friends-fine.

I wouldn’t let him go.

Ok, slightly different theoretical questions..

Same DH and single female friend, they meet up on a Saturday evening for a meal, he pays. She invites him to her house the next day for lunch. You don't know any of this is happening prior.

or

Same DH and single female friend, they meet up on a Saturday afternoon for coffee. You know it's happening prior.

Any of those scenarios an issue?

Be interesting if that changes the current voting on the AIBU poll!

I will be thrashed for saying that women's psyce is different to men's.
That is a fact

So why not with a female pal for a pint and chat about cars or football

I'd be pretty cheesed off if DH went out on a saturday night with his best male friend without telling me in advance, Nothing to do with her being single or female. He doesn't need to ask permission but even before Chidren, I think we understood that letting the other one know or plans was reasonable. particularly on a saturday. With chidlren in the mix, even more so.

And ditto, if he spent saturday night having dinner and drinks with "Mike" I'd be pretty annoyed if he then got home and announced he was off for lunch with Mike too. So again, I don't think that has anythign to do with the single and female aspect for me.

Coffee in the afternoon and I know about it? Couldn't care less.

Well yes, in the first scenario it’s different if there appears to be a level of secrecy about it, especially in a way there wouldn’t be if the friend were the same sex.

I might go out with a friend of either sex spontaneously, but I’d text DH to say “going for dinner with Lucy/Rob, won’t be late home.” And then when I got home we’d have the usual conversations we do and I’d say “We don’t have any plans tomorrow, do we? Unless you wanted to go and pick up the Christmas tree tomorrow? If not, Lucy/Rob asked me over for lunch.” (And often, Lucy or Rob would extend the second lunch invitation to DH, anyway.) The same for DH and his friends.

The crux is that it would be the same approach whether it was Lucy or Rob and in either case, I’d be considerate of letting DH know where I was, and checking that I wasn’t going off out when we had plans or he wanted to do something together. I wouldn’t hide it.

The second scenario, no biggie at all.

Exactly what I was going to say

I'm male, best friend is female, she's currently single.

Scenario 2, meeting up for coffee, DP would have absolutely no problem with.

Scenario 1, in theory she'd have no problem with as long as we don't have any pre-existing plans that I'm overriding.

Personally, I probably wouldn't do scenario 1 though. Happy to go out for a meal with friend, and I'll pay sometimes, she'll pay sometimes. Generally we keep it to something like a curry though, wouldn't go for a candlelit dinner somewhere posh. Also would happily go round to her house for lunch. Probably wouldn't do both in the same weekend though, because I want to actually spend some time with DP during my weekends.

Friendships with the opposite sex can be absolutely fine, but I do think you have to put some thought into how it looks to your partner. I'm actually bisexual, so in theory absolutely any friendship I have could start seeming suspect if it starts getting too close, but for some reason it still feels like I have to be a bit more careful to reassure DP when it's a woman.

Thank you for the insight, the different perspectives coming through on this are really helpful and enlightening!

First scenario seems quite niche. Unlikely that I'd have no idea what DP was doing for dinner and lunch on back-to-back days because we tend to talk to each other. The only way I can see this happening is if one of us was away with the other at home.

When I'm travelling with work I don't keep tabs on what DP's doing for his meals so it's plausible this would happen and I wouldn't know. I'd be perfectly happy with it. Can't think of any of our friends who'd need paying for these days, but I assume there's a reason along the lines of struggling for money. Around 10 years ago I'd be happy to pay for a meal for some of my friends in that boat. Around 15 years ago I was very grateful when some of my friends paid for me in that boat.

Second scenario is so inoffensive that I would think anyone objecting would have to be a little unhinged.