To set ground rules in terms of DH socialising with a single female friend?

[nipersvest]

I'm interested to know what other couples boundaries would be on this subject. In this specific case, it's a female friend, she's single, similar age, they've vaguely known each other for many years, I don't know her at all. What would be your do's and don'ts?

To clarify, it's a friend, not a work colleague.

100% this. I've never had a conversation like this with DH because I'd expect him to feel uncomfortable with the same things as I would.

He did come home early from a huge work celebration once, many years ago, because a female colleague made him uncomfortable and kept getting too close to him.

I guess whatever makes you uncomfortable. It'll be different for everyone.

The things I find interesting I would never share with a man

What things do you find interesting that you would never talk to a man about?! Unless you have very specific gynaecological hobbies I can't think of anything that isn't suitable conversation for both men and women. And you're not interested in ANYTHING that men are also interested in?!

You either trust him or you don’t. My husband has a couple of female friends who he occasionally socialises with (separately), I’ve never dreamt of laying down boundaries. Also most of his colleagues are female and he’ll often have lunch with one of them alone, it’s absolutely fine.

you probably wouldn't do anything too "date-like"

But surely the thing that makes an activity a date is the fact that you're doing it with someone you have a romantic interest in. Not the activity itself.

I went to one of my favourite restaurants with DP last month. It was a date. I went to the same restaurant with a male friend back in June. It was not a date.

Some people only go to the cinema on dates. DP hates cinemas so when I go, I go with friends, sometimes a male friend by themselves. It's not a date.

Cocktail bar with DP? A date. Cocktail bar with male friend, no romantic undertones, night ends with both of us going to our respective homes - not a date.

People will of course differ on this but for me it's the intimacy of the situation. I think getting dressed up and going to a cocktail bar with a friend of the opposite sex, just the two of you, is quite an intimate thing to do and I wouldn't do it. I would however go to a football match just the two of us (intimacy reduced by context, time of day, outdoor clothing etc), or go to a cocktail bar in a group of say four people including that friend (intimacy reduced by number of people).

I’m married to another (rather wonderful) woman.
Her best friend is also a gay woman.
I have absolutely no issue with her being alone with her, going away with her, anything. Because I trust my wife.
I have a friend who I go away with. She is gay too.
my wife has no issues with this, because she trusts me.

Unless your husband has given you reason not to trust him, then this is a you problem, not a him problem. You start laying boundaries and you’re telling him you don’t trust him.

The cocktail bar didn't feel any more intimate than going to the pub with this friend. We'd planned to catch up in a pub, actually, but I had a last-minute realisation that I didn't want to drink bad pub wine or beer, I wanted interesting drinks - hence dragging him to a cocktail bar I'd wanted to check out for ages. But the entire vibe of our catch-up was exactly the same as it would've been in the pub. I didn't even dress up particularly.

I just think that when you're with someone you're into, everything seems romantic and when you're with someone who's just a friend, you realise nothing's inherently romantic.

If someone I went to university with who was male wanted to catchup I would be suspicious and wouldn’t go because what’s his motive?

That sounds like you undersell yourself. Perhaps he remembers you were really funny and witty and remembers the great fun nights you all had out when you were all students; or perhaps he thought you were great at debating a subject during project work, or the passion you had for a practical element, and wonders what excellent things you went on to do in your career and in life. Women are more than their sexual parts, assuming that the only reason a man could have for wanting to get in touch with you is to see if he could fuck you is degrading your own value and achievements.

You don’t have to have friends of the opposite sex, but I think it’s having friends of the opposite sex which prevents an odd dynamic being created where you only relate to the opposite sex in potentially sexual and relationship terms, and therefore can only be threats to your own relationship, rather than as just people.

All these posters who would be happy for their dh to go for night out with a single female friend because they trust them . Surely you socialise in groups not cosy m/f almost a date night scenario?

Op, as others have said boundaries would be weird what I would do is go out with him and meet her, see what the vibe is and take it from there.

Not a chance I would do that if my partner asked

you don’t go asking permission and get your friendships vetted and approved

if you can’t trust someone deal with that if you think there going to shag some it’s done clearing the path of temptation isn’t the way to deal with this

I think it depends on what you mean by ground rules and socialising. I expect my partner to have female friends, and I have no problem with that, in the same way I expect him to not have a problem with me having male friends.

I do think it's a different dynamic if it's a new friendship that comes out of nowhere and is suddenly very intense - I have seen this happen in multiple couples (and have had it happen to me). A new friend of a friend comes onto the scene, is usually 'going through a bit of a difficult time', and even if nothing romantic/sexual springs up, seems to like to use these male friends as an emotional clutch. I wouldn't like that and I wouldn't expect my partner to like if it the situation was reversed.

if you're setting rules you have a problem. You’re the problem
How Would you feel if yiu were told no platonic male friends and yiur subject to rules and sanctions in your relationship
Realistically, if a person is going to cheat or obfuscate they’ll do it whether or not their suspicious partner imposes rules

Why does it have to be a date scenario just because it's a m/f combo though?

Tbf I'd trust women too. It's some men and their inability to control their cocks that is the difference here. Only the op knows if her dh is a sleaze or not.

The day I feel I need to "set boundaries" for my dp is the day we part ways. While mutually expecting respectful behaviour and treatment of each other, I would never lay out a set of rules for him to follow. What is he, 6? I've never understood women who do this, and then they say men are the controlling gender.

OP, why do you think you need to give him “rules”? If he’s going to cheat on you I don’t think your rules will stop him if your marriage vows don’t.

You have to trust your DH to love and respect you too much to cheat on you. And if he doesn’t love and respect you enough then there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Well, if say they're meeting at a sports class, gym fine. If they're going out for a night including drinks and a restaurant just the 2 of them then that it is a date scenario surely you know the difference?

Dh is a grown adult who can manage his own relationships and friendships. If he did cheat with a single female friend that would be his decision and I would divorce him. No need for further boundaries

The obvious solution to that is to not marry a man like that and to not be friends with men like that. If a man is a sleaze he is simply not in my social circle (let alone my relationship).

I've gone for drinks and a meal with male friends countless times. Surprising to learn in retrospect those were all dates.

Don't sleep with her?!

I'm a single woman with several platonic male friends. I would find it odd if one of them got a new partner who decided to try and set "rules" around our relationship.

I guess if you have reasons not to trust your partner, that's different.

How is someone he's 'vaguely known for many years' a friend? I wouldn't set groundrules as that sounds controlling but I would express extreme surprise (and be displeased) if he met her one on one, unless she's a very close friend. If she's just a 'friend', then usually would meet her as part of a group (including sometimes with you in that group, though not always). Also, would expect to be more daytime, or a quick drink, not an evening meal for instance!

I would dump anyone who tried to do this to me.

I went out after work for planned drinks and a meal with a male colleague who is a friend ,after a particularly taxing day. It wasn’t a date because we are not dating. Adults can eat and be in a restaurant without initiating an illicit liaison

My partner knew where I was, and with whom. Because he was home with our babies

My DH has 2 best friends who are women. Both are from his days at uni.

They are the only female friends he is allowed to meet up with, text, call etc.

Men have absolutely no business having female acquaintances that turn in to friends. Men are not to be trusted.