DHs comments about DDs boyfriend are really pissing me off

[LeFosters]

DD is 24, she’s been with her new boyfriend for a year and he’s genuinely just a lovely lad, he’s successful, he clearly adores DD and I’ve never heard DD talk so positively about someone she’s with, he’s totally different to the type of guy she dated before and I think it’s for the best.

We have two family group chats, one without our kids partners which is definitely the more used one, then one with, It was made as a way to share plans if everyone was going and to wish their partners happy birthday etc. DD added her boyfriend about a month and a half ago and since then all I’ve had are the most ridiculous comments from DH.

The latest being this morning DD and her boyfriend sent some videos last night into the group chat of them doing karaoke last night, nothing weird. DH declared “god he’s a bit gay isn’t he”, he also calls him boring (the poor lad just enjoys a fun fact and plays chess), constantly states DD could do better. He’s spent the last hour mocking their karaoke song choices (which aren’t even weird).

DH was never like this with DS1 or DS2 partners or with DDs last boyfriend. We are hosting everyone at Christmas this year and I’m absolutely dreading it as I just know DH won’t be able to help himself from making unnecessary comments.

AIBU to be annoyed by this from him?

I’d say to him “if anyone’s the fucking gay it’s you. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’d ever put you before my daughter”.

Your descriptions are giving me David Brent vibes in the scenes where he encounters Neil. If your DH ever tries to dad dance, run for the hills.

Seriously though, he's being nasty and making himself ridiculous, as other posters have said at length.

I have been married for almost 40 years and have only the most superficial of relationships with my DM. Why? because she is exactly the same as your DH towards my DH who is exactly as you describe your DD's BF.

Is this the post you want your DD to be writing a few years down the line?
If no nip it in the bud NOW. It will not get better and any future GC will pick up on it as they get older and it will effect their relationship with you too.

Charles Leclerc also plays the piano beautifully and has the most adorable little dachshundy dog thing. Don't get me wrong, I'd climb him like a tree if I were 20 years younger but if your DH was groping for the epitome of macho, this is a VERY odd person to choose 😂

My dad didn't like my husband and even insinuated that he was hitting me??

He's still in competition with him now but seems to have accepted defeat.

Whats his endgame? Make them break up? The thing is, he is just pushing her away. If they stay together, they eventually don't want to be around him. If they break up, she will be upset with how dad treated the bf that she will pull away regardless.

Does your "D"H use phrases like, "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen?"

He sounds like a nob as well as a homophobe.

This is what I think is happening: Your daughter has found someone who likes the sorts of things your husband sees as "masculine" like football and F1, but also manages to be fun/silly/in love/slightly nerdy/doing a "soft" , professional job - all this characteristics your husband sees as "feminine" because, I imagine, anything he can't do or doesn't like is "girly" and therefore "gay". So your husband cannot compute. He's built up his own self esteem by putting men who are different to himself in the "gay and inadequate" box. But this young man is trampling on his self image by liking the sports he likes too, so he can't be easily thrown into the "gay and won't last" box. The Charles LeClerc reference being the sign - why mention him of all the men he could compare the BF with? Because it's basically him saying, "BF might like F1 and football like me, but he's still not a real man like me (and Charles LeClerc). He probably always thought your daughter would settle for someone who is a direct imprint of him or someone completely different and incomparable to him - not someone who is a better (in his insecure mind) version of him.

Yep, ClC is a very "pretty" man. Lots of F1 drivers are and always have been.
He's too much so for my taste but I get he is attractive. And a very talented multimillionaire, what's not to like.

Youve hit the nail on the head- your DH sounds jealous / insecure. Something about this young man is triggering him into feeling insecure (was he told he want clever or successful?). You should definitely unpack that with him and engage in a proper chat about it. His behaviour and reactions are awful, homophobic and could be devastating for your DD’s feelings towards her father and their relationship. Get him to sort out his own psychological shit, get self-awareness and stop projecting onto this lad, unless he wants to distance his daughter permanently.

Also as his mother I am both furious, deeply insulted and offended, and feel so bad for him.

I’m a single mum who has brought up my children really well, they are very very decent people. For this prick to insult (he sees it as ‘teasing’ 🤨) my son for absolutely no reason cuts me too. OP’s idiot of a dh should think about how this lad’s parents would feel if they knew how he felt about their son and how he insults him. He sounds like he was brought up well, how hurt and offended would they be!

It’s one thing for a father to be justifiably protective because of an abusive bf but it’s quite another to be an immature jealous arse. I admit this thread has hit a sore point for me. I’ve never met my son’s gf’s dad because of geography but I would tell him to his face how unkind and ridiculous he is if I needed to and how dare he treat my son like this and insult my parenting. Would these same fathers, if they had a sons, think their sons are not good enough for anyone?

Your DH has an inferiority complex.

He doesn’t think your DD could do better he’s jealous because he feels he hasn’t done any better.

“You’d rather she was with someone who loved her less and was less kind to her? What a weird thing to think about your own daughter’s relationship.”

”There are few things less attractive than a grown man being openly homophobic using ‘that’s so gay’ to insult another bloke. Honestly haven’t heard anyone do that since the 90s and even then it made the guy saying it sound like a prick.”

”You’ve clearly got an inferiority complex that this boy is somehow triggering for you but it’s your problem, not anyone else’s. Stop raining on everyone’s parade and grow up.”

”Parents behaving like you are one of the main reasons adult children distance themselves and their grandkids. Is that what you want to be responsible for? I’ll never forgive you and you’ll be a very lonely old man prattling on about how young men who happen to be nice and intelligent seem ‘gay’.”

I couldn’t bite my tongue and would be saying variations of the above OP.

Your husband sounds like an unattractive, mean spirited, childish arsehole.

So he'd prefer his daughter to be with someone that isn't really in love with her, messes her about and treats her badly because that is what a 'real man' would do?

He sounds like a thick as shit meat head who says stuff like 'treat them mean, keep them keen'.

There is literally no logic to his statement, unless he's actually saying that he would prefer his daughter be with a partner who is out of her league, and not that bothered about her?

If I'm honest this would start causing me to worry about what he thinks of your own relationship given he seems to consider romantic attachment as some sort of league table based on rankings of attractiveness/manliness etc.

Not to mention the fact that it sounds completely incorrect as by your description of him he does tick all the boxes! It would still be a mean and weird thing to say even if the boyfriend was clearly punching above his weight with your dd but objectively it doesn't sound as though he is.

To be honest I'd be less focused on trying to work out where the fuck his mind is at, as you've given him several opportunities and he hasn't been able to explain with any logic whatsoever, and just tell him straight, you can't make him like the boyfriend but you can insist on basic politeness to a guest in your house, so he can think whatever nonsense he wants in his own head but has to be polite when dd and bf visit over Christmas (and going forward).

Annoyed with him? I am not kidding, I would want to leave him.

I think you just have to tell him in no uncertain terms that he's completely embarrassing himself.

Is he not worried this will come between him and his daughter? I would very much be pointing this out to him. He has some major issues because his comments are just weird. He should want his child to be happy.

Sounds like he’s jealous because this boyfriend looks like a keeper. This will only end badly for him if he continues. Either his daughter will withdraw from him to protect her boyfriend or the boyfriend will get fed up, leave your DD and she’ll never forgive him.

Personally, if my son was being treated badly by his girlfriend’s father I would tell him to cut his losses and look elsewhere. There are lots of lovely girls out there. He doesn’t have to stay with one whose father is a twat towards him.

Personally, if my son was being treated badly by his girlfriend’s father I would tell him to cut his losses and look elsewhere. There are lots of lovely girls out there. He doesn’t have to stay with one whose father is a twat towards him.

Couldn't agree more.

Wow. When you talk to your dh remind him of that and ask is it that he just doesn’t love you that much, or is it that you could do better? Apparently they are the options… he’s being a complete jerk and I would tell him I will aka him to leave the party at Christmas if he wants to be a nasty prick to his daughters boyfriend.

This one is "the one" most likely to take his DD away by marrying her. The others weren't.

Tell your DH that his homophobia is giving you the ick, and that if he has a go at DDP at Christmas you will air all the ways in which he's hardly the perfect man himself.

I voted YABU because the whole thing sounds way too emeshed .... having boyfriends in a family chat after just a few months is daft.... if your DH didn't see videos of your DD and boyfriend doing karaoke he wouldn't be commenting. Surely at 24 she should be living her own life, getting to know her boyfriend without any family cheering on/slagging in the background, and doing their own thing. And unless there's some backstory why isn't he spending Christmas with his own family?

Leclerc is cute as a button and if we wants me, im good to go!

But this is your husbands idea of epitome of traditional male masculinity? And an awesome sounding chess playing lawyer is "gay"?

They've been together over a year but was added to the chat few months ago.

Exactly. So over a year probably means 13-15 months or she would say a year and half etc. And if added 3-4 months ago then they were together less than a year when added ... so mayhe 10 months into the relationship. That's still very new.
And i stand by my point that it sounds very emeshed.

reminds me of the thread where the dh didnt like the girlfriend and kept saying he wouldnt put his giner o it and started looking at her fb and being really creepy about it

your h shall we all him sounds very insecure-what does hes no charles de clerc mean-succefful? handsome ? does it even matter