To think if you earn this, it doesn’t matter your circumstances, you’re still bloody privileged?!

[Herefo1]

My sister takes home 4,200 a month. She gets a tiny bit of maintenance (250) and has her DD full time.

I know her income as I helped her with her tax return for CB (and to be fair her income may be even more now!).

All me and my parents ever hear is how hard things are financially. She won’t ever buy coffees if we are out or get the kids a lolly or pitch in for something. Birthdays and Christmases are a really basic gift with the apology that it’s ’hard on her own.’

I could never admit this in real life to anyone as I’m really close to her but I honestly feel like this takes the piss. She feels her earning potential is hampered now but on this take home pay in your thirties, regardless of having DD..surely IANBU to think this is privileged and she should stop being so mean spirited?

It really does depend where you live and how much your mortgage or rent is. She might have a job in London and can’t just move on north or to Wales etc

That’s equal to two very average wages around here. I suppose it depends on her housing costs, if she’s shouldering a big mortgage on her own I understand her being careful. Not brassic by any means but not care free either.

Ah it depends so much on outgoings. There was a time recently where we had 2 kids in nursery, 2 mortgages (long story, not through choice), plus all the usual stuff. So our mortgages, bills and childcare was well over £6k/month. Obviously we made significant changes and I realise her situation is not the same, but certainly rent/mortgage, council tax, energy bills, running a car are not hugely different than if she had a partner and therefore expensive (and getting even more so)

that said, if you’re going to accept a coffee you should get the next one that’s just polite. If she can’t afford to do that she shouldn’t accept it.

Are you for real? Water, utility bills etc. If she has Netflix, she is paying for that herself. If you live with someone, you split the cost.
It is SO much more expensive living alone. Not many costs are halved at all.

How do you know her take home? How hard it is depends on her outgoings. Or do you think she should live a mediocre life because she's singld parent?

Firstly it depends where you live and the situation she was left in following separation.

but you don’t have to pay for her coffees. Just say ‘it’s getting pricey, come to mine instead’ then either she’ll offer to pay or suggest something else.

at Christmas just tell her you know times are tight shall we do a secret Santa with a budget if ££££ or leave presents for adults altogether?

She can spend her money as she wishes but so can you.

I think you’ll find you are agreeing with the poster you have quoted

My take home is £8.5k. If you add in DH’s, we have a household take home of over £10k. But we still can’t afford coffees either because, guess what, our outgoings are very high.

Many missing details.

Age of child - needing childcare or not
Any health conditions or disabilities for either of them
Where in the country they live
Housing tenure and how much equity
Any student loan repayments or other debt, any debt brought over from previous relationship
and on and on and on.

Being a single parent, having all the financial responsibility and knowing if the shit hits the fan it's all on you, is not bloody privileged. Believe me

Not sure anyone's asked her to move north or to Wales, just to take a turn buying coffee 🤣

Exactly this! Council tax is only 25% off for single person households. Other bills aren’t cheaper. Food bills may be lower but nothing else will be. There’s also the additional stress of being the sole earner, if you lose you job there’s no safety net so single earners need a back up in savings. A save a lot each month for this precise reason, I need the security of knowing there’s money in the bank if anything goes wrong. The OP has no idea how hard being in a single earning household is and the stress that comes with this.

I think you’ve missed the point. It’s not move up north or buy coffee. I said you don’t know how much disposable income she has because she might have huge living costs vs what your family has.

I suppose it could all be relative to her outgoings. Childcare? Property costs?
You definitely shouldn’t have to fund her treats but other than that it really is her budget to carve up as she wishes.
The money possibly doesn’t go as far as you think.

Exactly. I’d prioritise holidays and fun days out over buying coffees etc.

I wouldn’t be able to live on that comfortably if it was just me and my child and wanted to do things I prioritise (savings, pension, holidays, etc.). It wouldn’t cover my mortgage, childcare, utilities, food, etc.).

Is she solely running a home? Mortgage?
Running a car? How old is her daughter?

How sad that you feel like this about your own sister.

And who is going to support her in the future? Oh, that would be her.

It’s not “privileged” it’s earned.

she shouldn’t have to fund anyone else

it’s not a lot of money

Well stop buying for her then. Just pay for your own stuff in future and let her pay for hers.

We have no idea what her outgoings are so can't comment on whether she's right to feel she needs to watch the pennies or not. But this is simple enough to deal with. Just play by her rules. Don't pay for coffees or lunch for her, knowing full well she won't reciprocate. Just say 'I know you prefer not to get into owing people coffees/lunch etc because you are on a tight budget, so it's easier if I just get mine and let you get yours from now on. Then we all know where we stand.'

When it comes to Christmas and birthdays ask her to set whatever she thinks is a comfortable budget and you all stick to it too. Or just agree a budget for the children and don't buy for one another.

I can't see the point in allowing things like this to drag on, with you always spending money on her and feeling resentful that it's not reciprocated, when the answer is staring you in the face.

Maybe I’m being unfair then. I guess when one parent is on 100k and there’s a stay at home parent often that’s seen as loads of income as it’s over 5k. I just think over 4K is a lot for one adult and a 4 year old. Bearing in mind there’s 250 maintenance on top. Obviously I get generally being a single parent household is hard

She shouldn't be so quick to accept treats if she never reciprocates, at least from her siblings. Parents tend to like to treat their kids, most parents wouldn't accept their own children to pay for coffee etc..

Not wanting to spend a fortune on gifts etc, and saying she can't afford more? Sounds sensible. Maybe technically she could but she doesn't want to waste money, can't blame her.

I use the "I can't afford it" often, it's just easier than having to justify how I spend my money. I wouldn't expect people to spend a fortune on me however.

I never said it was....

She sounds like she is trying to not waste money on too many things that are non necessities. Maybe putting any savings away for their future.
Stop buying her coffee's if she never says "Oh let me, you got it last time"

Sole earner here.
Made redundant in Sept. The weight of the responsibility of providing for my son and running my home has sunk me into depression. I have some months wiggle room then….benefits.