To think if you earn this, it doesn’t matter your circumstances, you’re still bloody privileged?!

[Herefo1]

My sister takes home 4,200 a month. She gets a tiny bit of maintenance (250) and has her DD full time.

I know her income as I helped her with her tax return for CB (and to be fair her income may be even more now!).

All me and my parents ever hear is how hard things are financially. She won’t ever buy coffees if we are out or get the kids a lolly or pitch in for something. Birthdays and Christmases are a really basic gift with the apology that it’s ’hard on her own.’

I could never admit this in real life to anyone as I’m really close to her but I honestly feel like this takes the piss. She feels her earning potential is hampered now but on this take home pay in your thirties, regardless of having DD..surely IANBU to think this is privileged and she should stop being so mean spirited?

Stop buying her birthday/Christmas presents if she isn’t buying them for you and your DC. Also stop buying her coffee if she never buys you one. £50k a year take home pay (so her salary is higher than this) is a really good salary. If she’s struggling financially then she’s living way above her means. She’s very privileged and a CF.

It’s not privilege it’s her wage. She’s not being gifted it

and no it’s not a lot for the entire household income. When you don’t have a husband or partner they don’t just suddenly half your mortgage and bills

Your maths is awful.

It's similar to my take home as a single mum of 2. Mortgages aren't cheaper because there's only 1 adult in the house. The main expenses of having a bloke in the house is extra food and the water bill.

That said, I do give my kids as many treat days out as I can as they are my reason for existing and working so hard.

Of course it’s plenty. Couples with more children get by on less than that.
Stop buying her coffees or expensive gifts if it’s starting to grate.

Yabu.
£4,200

• 1,500 childcare
• 1,500 mortgage
• 150 Council tax
• 200 car
• 100 utilities
• 200 food
• 100 clothes, shoes
• 100 insurances

= 3,850

Leaving £350 for emergencies, holidays, activities for child, petrol, wear & tear, Christmas etc.

Her career is restricted by being a single parent. Her 5 weeks holiday has to cover 13 weeks school holidays, all her child's sick days. She has to do all drop offs & pick ups. Travelling overnight for work is almost impossible. She has no regular backup to share those commitments with.

Your dsis is wise & sensible, not wasting her money on rubbish. If you want to waste £4 on a cup of coffee, more fool you.

I'm a single mum too, earn less than her but my mortgage has shrunk now and ds is past needing childcare. She is doing exactly what I did. She is a good mum.

I think people don’t appreciate the following:
it’s one salary and tax will be high
loss of any child benefit etc
cost of child care
the need to save and have a back up as if she looses her job she has no help
this type of salary may be a hugh pressure performance driven role which if performance dips is at threat

You think she’s mean spirited when you’re the one coming online to invite a load of strangers to slag her off because she earns well in her job and isn’t frivolous with her money as a single parent? Seriously? Of course your circumstances matter. If it bothers you, stop buying coffees for her so then there’s nothing to reciprocate.

It’s a little less than our total household income and we do not consider ourselves privileged. Especially if you have kids, it adds up. But it’s all about perspective, I guess.

Yes but many household costs don't half because their is one less adult and one less child - so her outgoings are probably not significantly lower than yours. Also she has no back up at all - if one of you or your DH loses your job, becomes unwell etc the other can still bring in an income. She doesn't have the privilege of that security so I don't blame her at all for being more cautious.

Sorry @Herefo1 —you don’t get a vote on DS’ monthly spending plan. You don’t get a vote on how much she puts in her pension pot, housing pot, meals out pot, presents pot, etc.

If she's paying a lot for childcare plus you say her mortgage was 990, if this was on an old cheap fix it could have increased significantly. Plus her other bills will have increased too.

She might have sensibly decided she doesn't want to piss her money away on things she doesn't value. Things like coffee, lollies and gifts for others when she's not sure what to buy can add up significantly.

Obviously it's not on for her to accept you buying coffees for her but not reciprocating but also be mindful that she may want to make different spending choices to you and may not appreciate you buying her a coffee because then she feels obliged to buy you one and she's spent money on coffee that's now not available for other things or to save.

Because if she's on her own and can't work, it's all on her so she needs decent savings, whereas a couple would still have one wage which would go a long way to cover the basics.

I haven't read the full thread but, no, I don't think it's privileged and can imagine that things are tight, depending on outgoings.

However, I also think that if you go on a day out, you budget for the day out and include in that budget spends for coffee, or at an evening event, you pay your round when necessary. Not to do so isn't nice and isn't fair, it's grabby.

I know someone on more than that. Single parent now but bought her house when with ex DP. She’s now counting every penny in an attempt to stay in the family home which she bought him out of with a large remortgage.

Now I know she’s fortunate to be in the position of being able to do this, but the day to day reality is that she has less disposable income than many people on far less money.

But presumably no childcare which could be a massive difference

I don’t actually think that’s very much. She may only have a daughter but she still needs somewhere to lives and pay all the bills etc!

NMW is not £2200 a month?

But with a mortgage and childcare costs that the difference and what you save will be gone

I’m married with two DC and take home considerably more than my siblings who are single and childfree. However I often can’t afford most of the things they can because a massive chunk of our joint income goes to childcare and children are generally expensive. Sometimes I think my siblings imagine I’m being cheap and disingenuous when I say I can’t afford treats like dinners out, spa days, weekend breaks or expensive gifts for our parents. The reality is I actually can’t because my priorities and expenses are different and don’t leave me with much wiggle room especially if something goes wrong. I can’t afford impulse purchases and have to make sure we have large savings because our life is that expensive. All this to say you can’t judge someone based on how much they earn - what matters more is their outgoings relative to their income. 4k as a single parent with one kid may be loads or not enough depending on many factors. Stop judging your sister!

And out of 5100 you pay council tax, mortgage, run a vehicle, gas and electric for the house, all of which she does on £1000 a month less.

Yes you have an extra adult and child to feed and clothe, does that amount to an extra £1000 a month? It doesn't here.

The majority of her bills will remain the same whether one adult or 2 but 1 adult earning means she needs more robust savings also in the situation of a working adult and a sahp the point is the sahp means no childcare costs and the working parent can entirely focus on their work without sick kid days etc which a single parent can't do.

You couldn't extrapolate that for yourself?

It is lot but it depends what tbe outgoings are like rent or mortgage. She may also just feel under pressure as a solo parent. She might just be a tight arse. But just let it go.

£350 a month is incredibly low for your monthly housing costs. The vast majority of people will be paying more than double that. And you said "we" so again, two incomes, two sets of shoulders to bear the load. My total pot every month is 3.5k and I'm running a house and two teenagers. Its tight. They have hobbies and streaming services and tech (absolutely nothing flash or even new but it adds up). The coffee thing ...who suggests it? If she does but then stands back while you pay, that's not ok, but if it's your idea she probably doesn't want to make it awkward and doesn't know you don't want to sub her. If you know her position maybe she thinks that you're generously treating her.

I think the OP means that she happily accepts coffee's if they're bought by the OP but she never offers to buy back.
Being a single parent doesn't mean you're worse of than others or you can take advantage of them - take home pay of £4200 is a good wage and it shows how out of touch mumsnet is when people say its not much.
Personally I'd just buy my own coffee and tell her things are a bit tight. As for presents I'd say don't buy for us and we won't buy for you as none of us can afford it.

It's not about being out of touch. It's the whole "ordinary working people" problem again. Yes there is a chunk of the UK population on very low income who manage with a standard of living that is frankly shameful in the UK in 2025 but that is not the norm for a majority. The majority are, as most of us on here, in middling jobs, not NMW or millionaires, struggling with CoL rises, childcare etc. we're not "out of touch" with anything. There is more than one kind of reality.

That's so naive. It costs very nearly the same to run a house with an adult and a child in it as it costs to run a house with two adults and a child in it - but you're doing it on just one wage. There is a small council tax discount and a small saving in water but broadband costs the same, heating costs the same, home insurance costs the same, running a car costs the same, and I could go on and on.

I've been in your sister's position and life is really tough as a single parent. It is hard to relax around money as you know there is no partner to take the strain if you lose your job or fall ill for example.

I think it would be good to show a little more empathy.