To think if you earn this, it doesn’t matter your circumstances, you’re still bloody privileged?!

[Herefo1]

My sister takes home 4,200 a month. She gets a tiny bit of maintenance (250) and has her DD full time.

I know her income as I helped her with her tax return for CB (and to be fair her income may be even more now!).

All me and my parents ever hear is how hard things are financially. She won’t ever buy coffees if we are out or get the kids a lolly or pitch in for something. Birthdays and Christmases are a really basic gift with the apology that it’s ’hard on her own.’

I could never admit this in real life to anyone as I’m really close to her but I honestly feel like this takes the piss. She feels her earning potential is hampered now but on this take home pay in your thirties, regardless of having DD..surely IANBU to think this is privileged and she should stop being so mean spirited?

It certainly isn't big bucks. And with rent, bills and everything else it doesnt go far.
I can understand her being frugal. But she should refuse coffees or buy her round. Because theres being frugal which is fine and then theres letting others foot the bill, which is being a taker.

It is low for most households and totally depends on circumstances. When your DC needed childcare for example, you and DH could share the load whereas it is fully on her. My sister thinks my family earn loads but relys on my parents fully for childcare, she has never paid for wrap around or holiday clubs and her DC went to nursery minimal days. I need to pay for these things and they take a chunk of my wage.

you are being unfair. It’s none of your business how she chooses to spend or not spend her money, especially as single parent with no one there to fall back on. If you feel comfortable as you say stop keeping score over bloody coffees and leave her be!

@Herefo1 i actually agree with you , not the word "privileged" as such but def ungenerous - had to do the sums ( 4,200 take home pay after tax equates to a salary over £69.000) so yes, on that salary supporting only 1 child, i would expect someone to be able to be a little more generous . If someone is still a basic rate tax payer it would be a different matter but not someone who earns enoguh to pay higher rate and be ineligible for child benefit.

Except it also means she IS ineligible for child benefit which op probably receives. Also she's solely responsible for all household bills and childcare costs. Absolutely not suggesting she's on the breadline but being frugal makes sense nonetheless

Exactly. You have two earners. Not only do you earn almost £1000 more you have the stability of another person bringing in a wage. If she gets sick, needs time off, loses her job it’s the only income she has. There’s nobody else there to bridge the gap and nobody else to cover anything.

i’d stop buying her coffee though, she’s not that skint.

I take home about £1900, on my own. My ex h pays the mortgage (about 500). I feel fine, moneywise?! I definitely buy coffee etc when out

That’s not a lot for a single parent especially if she is having to pay for child care which often is needed more if you are a single parent.
You sound a bit jealous to me so ask yourself would you rather be in a relationship with a supportive partner earning less than her or be a single parent being solely responsible for that child’s welfare?

Privileged is having that kind of money coming in for no work, not developing a well paid career. There is nothing privileged about the hours, the professional qualifications, the responsibility and so on. I actually admire her managing to juggle a good career with being a single parent. No one thinks its a privilege to stay late to study, or put in the extra work needed to climb the greasy pole, but they love to tell you you're lucky when you finally see some return on your investment of time and effort. I hate that attitude.

But her not standing her round, so to speak, is an issue though. If you can't or wont pay your way, don't go, and certainly don't mooch off others. And I agree, her earnings make this way of being even more galling.

In my experience, some of the worst for not standing their round have been the ones most able.

Yes it is. It's twice my income and I am alone with a DD.

So you have more money than her and an extra pair of hands, but you still think she's better off?

its the mumsnet income bias that makes people think someone on a salary of £69k needs to be frugal to that extent that they can't ever afford to contribute on a day out.

You sound jealous and bitter. I doubt being a single parent with £250 maintenance a month is a bed of roses

It really hugely depends on your circumstances.
And it isn't a massive amount.
And no, I'm not using a "stealth bragging", what my parents had to offer was to be born in a Communist country and work on myself.
I think your perception might be a bit skewed.

If she’s paying a mortgage alone, childcare alone then it probably feels very tight. You also don’t know her circumstance’s.
You have close to an extra grand on top of her between you both, which will make a lot of difference.

OP YABU. It’s YOU that is privileged. You don’t have the financial pressures of being a lone parent. You have absolutely no clue.

That amount would undoubtedly make a good salary but how much she is struggling will obviously depend on how good she is with managing finances in general and how significant her outgoings are. For example, if she lived in a big house which was jointly paid before she became a single mother, and now she is responsible for the house on her own, it can make a significant difference to her disposable income, especially if her mortgage has been affected by rising interest rates.

Does she have to buy treats? It would have been nice but, again, it's a pointless conversation if she is struggling financially for whatever reason or just isn't willing to spend any money on any treats.

It's easy to assume that those who earn more than us are comfortable financially but important to understand that their outgoings often exceed ours: e.g. bigger house = bigger utility bills, bigger car = more petrol required etc. Yes, if she is struggling, she could make adjustments to her lifestyle but God knows why she hasn't. Maybe she decided to save more for her daughter's future as she now worries more about it due to being a single mother? Who can tell her it's right or wrong? Not sure.

True. I did used to have to provide for ds but he has been working fulltime for the past two years since 18. It is still tricky owing to the high cost of food. Luckily I gave up the car 2 years ago as I work from home but the COL is a challenge.

@vellichoria the sister pays £900 for their mortgage…so after mortgage they still have £3300 for all other living costs. The child is also 4 and I presume in school and also sees their other parent sometimes? Obviously the op may be blithely unaware of her sisters other outgoings…but I would say if someone has left a dual very high income relationship then they might feel very “poor” when moving to life as a single parent even on a high solo salary. I would highlight that the median annual salary in the uk is currently £39k and the op’s sister is earning well above most nhs workers and teachers.

She probably has same household costs bills as you and your dh pretty much.

Is it before or after tax?

As a single parent I bring home a little more. I don't skimp, but I'm by no means privileged. I work hard, really bloody hard. I parent a lot from the car (teens) often leaving the house before 6am and not getting back until gone 6.

My mortgage is huge on a very basic 3 bed terrace - thanks to divorce in my 40's and living in an expensive part of the country.

I suspect your sister, like myself has no one else to rely on financially so doesn't have the luxury of flittering away her earnings.

Even if her outgoings from the remaining £3460 after mortgage payments are very high, she must be in dire straits if she can't take her turn to buy a coffee or a small treat for the kids. If I couldn't afford to take my turn to pay, I'd buy a packet of biscuits and invite you round to mine for a coffee.

£4200 take home isn't that much. My DH brings home more than that and I'm not far off, no DC at home either.

These responses are a bit of an eyeopener with people saying that it's not that much