To think if you earn this, it doesn’t matter your circumstances, you’re still bloody privileged?!

[Herefo1]

My sister takes home 4,200 a month. She gets a tiny bit of maintenance (250) and has her DD full time.

I know her income as I helped her with her tax return for CB (and to be fair her income may be even more now!).

All me and my parents ever hear is how hard things are financially. She won’t ever buy coffees if we are out or get the kids a lolly or pitch in for something. Birthdays and Christmases are a really basic gift with the apology that it’s ’hard on her own.’

I could never admit this in real life to anyone as I’m really close to her but I honestly feel like this takes the piss. She feels her earning potential is hampered now but on this take home pay in your thirties, regardless of having DD..surely IANBU to think this is privileged and she should stop being so mean spirited?

No that’s not privilege. If she works full time her DD must be in preschool or wrap around childcare. She’s probably paying £1k a month just for that.

Mortgage of £1k takes up almost half her salary and that’s without bills, food, petrol if she drives, insurance, clothes.

if her washing machine breaks it’s all on her. Car fails it’s MOT? All on her.

Little things like lollies and coffee add up. At 4 her DC is probably invited to a birthday party every week and will be expected to take a present.

I doubt she has any left over to save and if she does then that’s brilliant. If my sister was in that position I would love to see her manage to save enough to take her DD on a holiday - it sounds like she works really hard and they deserve it.

In your sister’s position, treating family to a lolly or coffee would be very low on the priority list. I would hope they would understand.

YABU.

She's not privileged and that just makes you sound a tit.

You're more than entitled to be irritated by her going on about money all the time and you do not have to buy repeated unreciprocated coffees.

She’s on a good wage but it’s less than many couples earn and she has to cover all her costs. You don’t know what those outgoings are.
Also, she earns it. That’s not privileged.

It depends on her lifestyle. Mortgage, bills, all those big costs, they’re the same for one person as for 2. She also doesn’t have the cushion of a second wage earner. If she loses her job there’s no one to back her up.

She gets over £1k a month more than me and my husband earn together and we work full time

My outgoings are around £4000 a month. I don’t have my nails done, eat out very very rarely, no haircuts, no sky, gym membership etc. so yes if I was alone I’d struggle on £4,200 as no doubt a proportion of the £200 would be being saved for Christmases, birthdays, a new boiler etc!

I think it’s the fact she’s on her own so everything financially pretty much falls on her shoulders that’s key here. She’s being naturally cautious as she has limited back up to provide for her DD and herself. There is a real weight of responsibility here that can be hard. You have two adults in your household so two means of bringing money in. If you don’t want to invite her for a coffee, then don’t, but try be a little more empathetic to her circumstances.

Really?

That would only just cover food for one of mine (and we cook at home/meal prep and all that)

That's before we start on school uniform and anything else they need for school, the single music lesson they each have, day to day clothes, the fuel to get them to school and back, some kind of holiday or trips out in the summer etc.

We have a similar joint income (which for two people you will pay less tax than one). We definitely don’t find it easy. Childcare is the biggest expense for us. But maybe it depends where you live.

I take my hat off to her for not wasting money on endless coffees and gifts. Just stop buying them for her and cut your own gift budget. £50k is a good net salary but that doesn’t mean she has money to waste and I imagine that as a single parent she’s probably mindful of the fact that she is the only one keeping the show on the road, so she might want to be more cautious- sensible.

If anything happens to her job / health she has no DH to fall back on for money / support. The only discount you get a a single parent is council tax, everything else you pay the same as a family with two earners.

Oh come on!

Being a single parent feels massively insecure financially. Even if you’re on a good salary you know you’re just a redundancy or illness away from having no income. I think it’s hard for couples to really understand that feeling.

So it’s entirely possible she’s not being tight, but is simply looking after herself and her child, not knowing what the future will bring and if she’ll always be on the salary she’s on now.

How old is her child? What kind of childcare bills does she have? Childcare costs can have a massive impact on finances.

I’m on my own in an expensive city. I have a decent job and my dsis thinks I’m loaded. I’m not. She’s in a dual income household. I might be close enough to what their combined income is, but don’t think you understand what it’s like to have all outgoings on your shoulders, and then the audacity of the expectation that treats are on you because you’re ‘rich’. In my circumstances I know for a fact that my household outgoings are significantly more than theirs.

Sounds like the real problem is her not paying her way op when you think she can afford it. Does she expect you to pay? Would she still come along to things and be happy to not get coffee etc?

No it’s not!

Imagine if you and your OH could pull in £4200 per month- you could treat her to coffees, buy lollies, heck you could even take the whole extended family away for the weekend ..

Or you could save and invest for your future. Pay down the mortgage. Buy in services to make your lives run smoother (eg cleaner, lawn mowing, window cleaner)

I am on a low income. I am self employed and work part time owing to my health and pay all my household bills out of that. I have no mortgage and no car. Many a month all I take home is £1100 or £1300 and I manage. No debt.

Your sister's income sounds huge to me! Though I moved out of London years ago to a much cheaper part of the UK.

I think your being massively unfair. A 1k mortgage plus full time wrap around care will consume a lot of her salary. I don't earn that but I do have a salary that some people would be happy to have. At the moment it's me and two teenagers, life is very expensive.

I’m not sure if the child is nursery or school age. If they’re in nursery then maybe the separated parents go halves? £1500 mortgage is a lot.

Wow, jealous of your own sister.

Im sure others have said that a one parent outgoings are not half of a couples…. Her mortgage would be the same if she and her DD lived there or if there was another adult but there would be another wage coming into help. She will have to heat the home, again not by half but by the whole, her water consumption will only be slightly less her gas/electric probably not much less so I think you need to get out of that mindset.
Your Sister has full time responsibility and care for her child, knowing that, il not surprised she is careful with money.
Yes it would be nice if she reciprocated coffees etc but maybe she thinks they are a waste of money?
You either stop buying them when you go out and let everyone buy their own or you accept that your sis has different priorities with her money .
£4000 sounds a lot but in reality when you start listing all her outgoings although not on the poverty line she’s not on stashes of money.
I have almost £800 to find next year because 2 of my children want to go on residential, I could say no but most of their friends will go etc I’m lucky that we are a two income household however with the cost of living etc we will have to cut back on any excesses (and we are by no means splashing the cash) to be able to send them. I’m currently walking to work (45 min walk) where I used to drive and pay £5 parking a day. My sister probably thinks il
nuts as it’s only £5… but over the week if I do it when it’s not tipping down that money is going straight into the savings account set up for their trips next year. As my DM always says, save the pennies and the pounds look after themselves!

Yeah, I don't think the OP has a good grip on the figures. Everyone's costs will be different but my primary age children cost us per month:

240 - wraparound care 3x week
50 - swimming lessons
80 - other clubs, music, sport, cubs
50-80 roughly minimum food (hard to calculate per child as obviously we cook together)

Then less frequent costs:

Uniform
Birthday presents for child and friends
Christmas presents
Other activities - soft play, cinema
Clothes
Books
Toys
Tech - tablet, ereader, audio player
Bike/scooter

Of course all of this is choices but unless your kid only eats porridge, you have no childcare costs and they do nothing out of school, it's hard to see how they don't cost more than 240 a month

Her bills (mortgage/utlitlies/insurance etc) won’t be that much lower than the bils of a two income household. And she still has uniforms, school trips, childcare etc to pay for same as two parent families.