DDs phone is off/dead should I worry?

[Clerenty]

DD is 17, we are Scottish so she is already at uni, her birthday is in February. She moved to London for uni.

I messaged her at 5pm, she told me she would call me when she got home at 6/6.30pm. I haven’t heard since and when I message her on WhatsApp it one ticks, when I try to call it goes straight to voicemail.

I know I’m probably panicking unnecessarily but she was pretty clear about not having any plans tonight and it wouldn’t be like her to have her phone off, if her phone dies she usually charges it back pretty quickly and always takes her battery pack with her.

DH thinks I am being dramatic and if we haven’t heard from her by the morning we should worry but she might just be busy with friends.

AIBU to be worried?

Morning OP ..
I’m so very glad she is safe & well ☺️ ..
I thought she may have met someone at gym ..
I don’t care what anyone else says on this , she is 17 & of course you would worry .. I am the very same as you , lots of moms are x
I think from now on when she is home for the night, just a quick good night message ..
It’s not that you will be asking her questions, just that you know she is ok , literally night mom & a kiss or whatever..
Anyway , Happy Friday , hope you enjoy your weekend , oh & your son is a great lad btw ..
Take care x

I am pleased she is ok. Agree the story doesn’t quite add up but it sounds like she has good friends to look out for her which must be reassuring

however
despite her only being 17 she’s gone to uni and I think you need to treat her like a grown up now. I think insisting on knowing when she’s getting back home etc is ott. By all means keep in touch by text but I think it would be a good thing OP to try and be led fixated on where she is at all times. She may not be an adult but she’s hanging out with other adults. There will guaranteed be another incident when you send yourself into a panic not knowing where she is. A good opportunity for you to try and detach yourself best you can

Tbf she probably bumped in to him just after saying she’d call and forgot or turned off her phone so she didn’t have to have the call. That would be my guess. The story sounds like a definite tall tale 😆

Thank Heavens! Woke up and checked straight away! Perhaps worth keeping a very basic phone in her halls and even if she doesnt go back, she could get a friend to switch it on and let you know if she is out of contact - Im sure there would be a chain of people to send a message through. At 17 she is not really an adult no matter what people tell you and she is always going to be your baby.

Its a basic adult move to let people know if you would be out of contact unexpectedly - I am an adult and if I was out and something happened with my phone, I would get a message to my husband - freedom doesnt mean disregard.

The bank transfer could have been done via telephone banking surely?!

I think the story checks out, who would even think about the two factor authentication issue to blag that!?

Again, glad she is ok. Time for some contingency plans re: phone and contact.

There was a 16 yo in my nephews house share when they all started uni but he was home by October. Not all are ready for it

Yes and the money transferring thing doesn't add up. But I was reading the entire thread thinking "her phone's just been lost/stolen" so maybe I was primed to believe her story.

If the boy is a long-term prospect they are going to have to stick to a "got together when he rescued me after I was a robbery victim" for a long while!

It’s saved on your Apple ID or whatever the non apple equivalent is. Dd broke her phone the other day, she was back up and running on my old one within about 15 mins. Just lost some more recent photos as her cloud storage is full

I have an Android phone and I don't have an equivalent to Apple ID.

Just had a thought OP, you can get watches that can take calls even if you dont have the phone with you, perhaps thats a shout? No need to remove for a workput/shower etc.

I’ve insisted on what I call ‘proof of life’. It’s just not negotiable. Idc if that is considered controlling! I’ve said I know and accept they they are adults. But I’m their mum and I worry. So a response to a worried text is mandatory. Even if it is ‘bugger off!’

So glad she is safe. 🩵

But would’ve killed the mood with gym boy 😂

Please could I ask, what app do you use for location sharing?

I get that you were worried about her and I'm glad she turned up ok. But if you're willing to send a 17 yo hundreds of miles away to uni in London then I think you have to accept that she's her own person now and trust that she's able to look after herself for a few hours.

There are a thousand reasons why you might not have phone signal in London - she might have been travelling underground, drinking or eating in a basement somewhere, phone might have run out of battery or been switched off and forgetten to put it back on, or perhaps she was on a very hot date and didn't want her mother interrupting!

Maybe she lied, or bent the truth a little, because you basically involved the whole university class in a full scale man hunt for her when she'd been missing for a few hours?

It's London, it's rife for phone stealing.

And I'm not sure the police would have done much tbh. The 24 hours before the do anything is bogus but this did seem like a pretty obvious case of uni student decided to change plans, go out and lose their phone/has it stolen/battery dies

When my DD was in university in another country we had a low pressure "proof of life" text arrangement.
All she had to do was reply within the 24 hours of me asking for POL with any emoji.

Op you kept saying that it's not like her to do this or that - honestly all that goes out the window in first year.

The story might be made up to cover for spending the whole day out of touch with a boy. She might be worried what your reaction is and sorry for stressing you to the point of getting even her brother contacting her friends.

We had the same, within 24 hours of me asking so it was usually after I hadn't heard from her for a week, and an emoji was an acceptable reply.

We only did it the first few months of the first year, really helped me manage the anxiety of those first fire months in what I thought was the least intrusive way possible.

Your Samsung or Google account should remember a lot of it

I lost my phone years ago and used that to get most stuff back- it's even easier now

You definitely should. Even years ago when dc had android they could move between devices easily with their google id. I’d be surprised if that hasn’t been continued/improved. Maybe you just don’t know how to do it. Worth looking in to for such an eventuality.

That’s a good system and the thing is, time is relative - six hours for worried mum seems a lot longer than six hours for busy student in a new city! I tried to keep busy and never contacted any of my children’s mates apart from once when I hadn’t heard from one for days.
My youngest had his drink spiked and the guy who did it answered my text to my son, pretending it was him! It was frightening, looking back, but based on probability it’s unlikely to happen again 🙏

You're right. It is something I need to learn to do. Is it Samsung Pass?

I usually think these threads are very over-anxious but in this case I don't think the OP came across as smothering at all. The worry wasn't just because her daughter had been out of contact for a few hours but because it was out-of-character for her, and on an evening she'd specifically said she'd call. The OP's son also being worried enough to get in touch with his sister's friends also indicates that it wasn't just the OP being anxious.

I think this take by @gannett is spot-on.

I had left home and was living an independent life at 16, in the days before mobile phones. I know young people can be independent, resilient, blah blah blah. I've just had my own kid return from being away for a few years at university, and the times I sat on my hands while he didn't check his WhatsApp were legion, and I taught myself not to message him too often. But if he'd agreed to a phonecall at a particular time, and didn't show up for it, and if his phone was off, and if his friends said they hadn't seen him for hours, and if another young person who knew him was also worried - I'd be utterly freaked out, too.

Give the OP a bit of grace, those of you who are using such terms as "smothering". A mum who is able to let her 17 year old travel to live hundreds of miles away is not a smotherer. And while 99.999% of young people in these circumstances turn out to be absolutely fine, there's a few who aren't fine at all. We should all pray that each one of these threads ends so well.

Also very glad your dd is safe. Completely understand how worrying it is when they leave home and are a long way away.

We agreed with dd when she left for uni that I would message each night to say goodnight and that if we hadn't had a response within 24 hours we'd call friends/accommodation/ the police. This worked well - and we still do this. She did also do the calling while walking home late at night and still does as she walks home from work.

Oh, come on, let the girl take a bath, go swimming or have a shag without being remotely monitored or potentially called throughout.

So you wete wrong.