DDs phone is off/dead should I worry?

[Clerenty]

DD is 17, we are Scottish so she is already at uni, her birthday is in February. She moved to London for uni.

I messaged her at 5pm, she told me she would call me when she got home at 6/6.30pm. I haven’t heard since and when I message her on WhatsApp it one ticks, when I try to call it goes straight to voicemail.

I know I’m probably panicking unnecessarily but she was pretty clear about not having any plans tonight and it wouldn’t be like her to have her phone off, if her phone dies she usually charges it back pretty quickly and always takes her battery pack with her.

DH thinks I am being dramatic and if we haven’t heard from her by the morning we should worry but she might just be busy with friends.

AIBU to be worried?

This all day long.😅 Imagine being cock-blocked by mummy from 500+ miles away ffs - DD was probably about to ride gym boy side saddle when up popped mummy to kill the vibe Jesus wept - I'd be losing my phone every day too if I were her - I'd be lobbing it in the Thames

The chain of communication had already done that. Boy had responded on group chat, other friend fed back to brother that she was with boy, brother told mum. It was too late for her to say she was at Jane’s house

I absolutely sympathise op but this is unfair on your daughter. She is living independently and you cant be going via halls and friends if she has a late night or doesn't update you each evening.

So glad your dd is safe and well. I would have been worried too. Your ds sounds great.

At that age I'd imagine it would only take them about 30 seconds to get back in the mood so I'm sure they'll be ok!!

Ah teenagers!
Haven woken up I’m not sure I’m convinced by the story (how would she have transferred money without her phone and therefor banking app?), but I don’t really care as long as she is safe!
Would prefer she didn’t lie to me though but right now I am just glad she’s okay!

Paypal OP?.... I'm glad she's safe x

This is making me think about how screwed I'd be (and not in the good way like OPs daughter after meeting a cute guy at the gym) if I lost my phone - all the apps, logs in, password, 2FA, phone numbers etc. It's scary.

If she’s lied then think about why she felt it necessary.

17 does seem early for uni though, is this normal in Scotland? I read on here that they generally start school later than in England aswell so how many years of school do you have before uni ?

So DD started primary school at 4.5 (August the year of her 4th birthday) as a February baby she was the youngest in her class (pretty much the youngest you can get as her birthday is the very end of February). Children born in March in Scotland wouldn’t start school until they were 5.5. Then it was 7 years of primary school and 6 years of secondary school, compared to England where it would be 7 years in primary school and 7 years in secondary/sixth form. You can defer pretty easily but it wasn’t as common when DD was starting school as it is now.

I'm glad you found her but my first thought was that she'd probably got company and I think I was right! Or at least part right as she possibly did lose her phone / card and turned to someone she knows better than she's letting on!

Plans make and break and remake so fast at that age- even if she's usually very good, this may not be the last time she's off radar, by accident or design. You sound like caring parents but it sounds like she's currently really enjoying her independence - and that a big part of it for her is her privacy. I'd have been the same tbh; I'm grateful it wasn't around when I was that age as I'd have regarded find my iphone as a huge invasion of privacy at uni. My parents would 100% have worried like you did. The one time they did something similar in my mid 20s after I came home v v late with a dead mobile and didn't manage to message them before blissfully passing out for 10 hrs, they came to check, (I lived v near). It was completely understandable but I was not amused!

You may need to have a chat and explain that it came from love, that it's best to let you know if plans change and emphasise that you do trust her. I'd also suggest that she puts a couple of emergency contact numbers on paper in her pocket/bag separate to her phone/ wallet just in case of . Still not ideal or 100% fool proof but invaluable in a real emergency.

If your Dd wants some space without drama, she needs to get better at expectation management and being a little non committal- e.g. she's not sure what's going on later, may or may not be free tonight; if she is, she'll let you know it's a good time for a chat. Or quicker at dropping messages to ensure people leave her alone.

I would be exactly the same OP. The thought terrifies me

Yes it's normal. I went to uni at 17. Anyone who's birthday is after September and goes to uni straight after S6 will only be 17 when starting. A couple of my friends actually got the grades to get into uni after S5 higher exams and didn't need to do 6th year so they started uni at 16.

A sleepless night for you OP but so glad she’s okay. I don’t think for a moment she is lying phone theft so common.
i have been anxiously waiting for your updates so pleased she has been found.
i hope she gets all her cards sorted. I’ve been mugged for my phone twice in London & it just takes ages to get everything organised.

I know you’ve been worried but you have gone way overboard here. Most students would be mortified if their parents did this. I get that she’s still a minor, but you have let her go to live in this big city and you can’t be checking up on her like this. I also think your anxiety might be affecting your judgment. Is it something you can get some help with? It doesn’t sound like much fun for you or your daughter. I don’t mean to sound harsh but maybe this is an opportunity to reflect. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter feels quite upset and embarrassed about this. You sent someone to her room, involved her roommates, involved her friends, and basically rumbled the fact she was having a cheeky shag all because her phone was off for a few hours…

It sounds like she is fed up of you tracking her/phoning her and getting anxious about her all the time. She probably switched her phone off so she could enjoy herself. You need to back right off so that if she needs you she will call you. Your role is to be available to her if she is in need not the other way round. You need to get some help with your anxiety and let her fly the nest. Phoning all her friends and accommodation is way out of hand for her not being in contact for a few hours. I can't believe anyone thinks this is reasonable. Try to see things from her perspective.

I have just read through most of the replies on here and poster I have to say what an awful worrying time it was for you yesterday and to have some of the awful spiteful replies that you tecievrd to make you either worry even more and on top of that to have all these perfect parents who make out they wouldn’t be worried about their child in this situation.

My advice to you is never post on mumsnet about anything you are worried about especially if it’s this kind of situation. Some of the replies will be lecturing you on how you should react to a situation that they know that they would react in the exact same way but no way would they dare to across that way on a public forum. Gosh no they couldn’t possibly let it out there there that they are worried stiff about their child in this situation.

Well done you for being totally honest in admitting the worry you was going through and never backing down to the lectures you have had.

To all the posters that replied with unhelpful negative comments try thinking next time what the parent is going through in situations like this and think about replying in a way that will actually be reassuring and helpful to that person. Members come on these forums to seek advice and reassurance and a lot of the time get replies like these making them feel 10 times worse.

Poster I am so glad your daughter is safe. Xxx

Hi OP. I am relieved you found her.

When I was 17 I had a baby and was living alone with baby in a flat on a really rough estate. So rough someone kicked my door in once, terrorising us before realising that they had the wrong place!

I know you may feel that 17 is young, but 17 year olds can be very capable. I had a FT job, used to bus me and my baby into the city center every day, drop him at nursery and then head back in the opposite direction with him at the end of the day. Food shop, cleaning, bills, keeping him alive - was just me and him. Probably heard from my mum over the BT landline about once a month.

Let her cut the apron strings. Let her reach out to you rather than the other way round. She will be grand.

I’m really pleased she’s safe. For the sake of your MH, I’m wondering if this could be a prompt to rethink how you keep in touch? Could you agree that she’ll call you at a set time once or twice a week, and beyond that she’ll be in touch if she needs you? You know now that she’s in a big city with lots of friends looking out for her. I think it’s time for you to relax (if you can!) and give her some space. Easier said than done I know!

Anyone saying that the daughter needs to share her location or tell mum if her plans change or agree when she will contact mum please listen to how controlling that is. She is a grown adult living away from home. She does not have to tell her parents her every move. Imagine if this was a man saying this to his partner or wife.

Well I don't think she should turn her phone off and lie about where she is! But she obviously wants privacy. Unfortunately in this day and age a phone turned off and no contact is worrying.
Perhaps give it a few days and message/call her that you want to do set phone calls so you don't disturb her too much but you'll always be there for her no judgement. You're sorry if you seem overprotective but these days violence against women is extremely high etc etc London.

You could offer to pay for phone insurance against theft or send her a cheapy phone as a spare with a giffgaff sim to keep as a backup! I keep one logged into my emails just in case I break or lose my phone, the 2factor thing is a nightmare.

That's quite a story if it's not true!

Overall I'd rather that she hadn't had anything stolen & was just ignoring her phone as with her boyfriend!

I can see why you worried so much but I think a lot of us would just think that she was caught up in something else & would phone later or the next day.

Great advice here.

I usually think these threads are very over-anxious but in this case I don't think the OP came across as smothering at all. The worry wasn't just because her daughter had been out of contact for a few hours but because it was out-of-character for her, and on an evening she'd specifically said she'd call. The OP's son also being worried enough to get in touch with his sister's friends also indicates that it wasn't just the OP being anxious.

That said when someone's phone goes dead it's most likely it's been stolen/lost/broken than something bad has happened to the phone owner. Her story actually seems plausible to me (other than the boy obviously being more than a friend) - if she'd wanted to conceal that she was going over to a boy's house tonight surely she'd have made the call to her mum in order to avoid this kind of worry, or even better not promised to make any call in the first place.

And given that the boy was on his phone enough to check the group chat and respond to it, it can't have been that intrusive on their evening.

And the lectures keep coming.

I am guessing most of the replies like these are from parents who have young children, boy are you going to know all about worry when they go off to uni. Yes yes I know what’s coming….you won’t be invading your child’s privacy and there will always be a valid explanation why they didn’t call.