AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

Kindly, OP, you have a DS problem, not a DIL problem. Your DIL is not responsible for facilitating your relationship with your GCs, your DS is.
Also can you imagine a FIL wanting this much contact with his SIL, wouldn't it seem really weird?
Stop expecting DIL to do the job of your DS.

Your DIL sounds like an annoying millennial, so many of them are now not talking to parents and in laws, it seems the thing to do, I would say your son needs to grow a backbone. From women I know who have DIL like this they've stepped back, see them twice a year, keep texting to a minimum and let them get on with it, you cant win whatever you do. Good luck.

I'd try to focus on the fact that it's your son who's the issue here, and that their nuclear family's relationship with you is his responsibility to captain, not hers. For example, your thread title. Why didn't you write that you feel "hurt that my son doesn't prioritise a relationship with us"? Because that's the real issue.

What's him WFH got to do with them doing to her parents', is it so it's quiet at home for him?

Telling him what he is or isn’t allowed to do with his own child is absolutely controlling.

DIL sounds horrible. The child benefits from a loving relationship with both families. They are the product of both.

My ILs aren’t necessarily my kind of people but I made sure they could see their GC weekly and made an effort to build a relationship between them and their GC.
Your DIL sounds like she is just looking for things to take issue with. Having said that I remember being unreasonably precious about certain things around labour and having a new born which looking back on were a bit cringe. Maybe it’s hormones or trauma from the birth?

There was absolutely nothing wrong with you checking how your son was.

I completely get why you feel like this and I would hate it if my child treated me like this when they grow up.

Could you have a really honest conversation with your son about it? Did you get on with DIL before she had children?

Some people just don’t value family in the same way as others. You are being pushed out, but there isn’t much you can do. You sound nice, and she sounds controlling, and he sounds in active, but try to foster the relationship with him.

Maybe step away from dil a bit to give yourself a break.

However nice you are, you can’t win either way.

Because your son is trying to keep the peace I’m afraid your situation won’t improve.
Daughters do tend to rely on their own mums, hopefully they are thoughtful enough to include in laws, I know I tried to when mine were small.
My DH would have put his foot down if I had said he couldn’t take our children over to his parents without me, he used to take the ones that would accept a bottle over there each week on his own for a few hours so I could chill out and rest. Our youngest wouldn’t take a bottle and was born around Covid so never got the chance.
Your Granchildren aren’t ’just’ your DILs children, they are your sons as well so really he should be sorting out visits to his side of the family, if he can’t or wont, unfortunately you’ll always be left out and anything you try and do will annoy your DIL because sadly she doesn’t need you.

My DW used to complain when my DM texted me to ask about things, as she felt like it was underhand/sneaky.

But she hated it when my DM texted her directly as well.

We eventually got to a point where she realised this was unreasonable, and we settled into me facilitating the relationship, but it took a few years.

It's hard as the DM of a new father I think - you naturally want to help, and offer your experience - just like you would for a daughter. But it's also natural for a new mother to want to lean on her own mother.

In our situation, my DW's codependent relationship with my MIL definitely played a massive part, and I don't think I'd ever have been able to do anything about it without it causing huge problems.

Why didn't she like your mum contacting you? I genuinely don't understand?

OP has said that she just wants a relationship with her granddaughter. I get this all the time from my own mum, and just mostly ignore her as much as I can because she only wants a relationship with my DD (her GD) but not with me! And not my DH either, which I get because he is rude BUT I always found it incredibly rude that my mum thinks she can bypass me completely, and still have a full and complete relationship with my daughter. Doesn't work like that so maybe OP can work on her relationship with DIL as well in case she feels the same and a bit left out? If she won't let GD stay overnight there is probably a trust issue there which might improve if she gets to know the DIL better? Means to an end and all that? It's a horrible feeling to think that people only want to have a relationship with your child but not you.

That you Mrs peaty?

You could be writing about me here. The only slight difference is my dc didn’t survive after the traumatic birth. I didn’t tell wider family when I was in labour in case anything went wrong - and then it did.

My DM knows my end of nov section date, Dmil does not. DM comes weekly for childcare help, and we visit in school holidays. Dmil has never so much as babysat and we haven’t visited since April. Pretty sure I am not doing anything wrong and its up to DH to build the relationship with his own mum.

Same.

Its me saying 'ring your mum', 'tell your mum', 'send your mum a picture ...'.

DHs sister, on the other hand, lives in her mums pocket. So she has loads to do with her daughter. But her 3 sons - she openly says she hardly hears from them. I feel sorry for her. But i did once overhear her saying to someone that she thinks DH doesn't visit much because I don't like the drive!!

I'ts not true at all i'm fine with it (1.5 hr) and DH wouldn't say it even if it was. Of the two of us it's he who moans about making plans to visit.

I take responsibility for dealing with my family. My husband takes responsibility for dealing with his. I put in an effort, my husband doesn’t. My mil blames me for the poor relationship she has with our kids.

Because as the new mum, she felt like she should have been included in all plans/conversations about our new baby.

In the absence of a softer way of saying it, she felt absolutely like the new baby gatekeeper.

I have some sympathy with this - protectiveness about your new baby isn't unusual.

If my mum texted me, it felt to my DW like bypassing that and she hated it.

But if my mum texted her directly, she hated that too - it always seemed to be the wrong time, or the wrong question, or both.

It didn't help that my MIL relished this, and did nothing to discourage it, as it meant she got all the time with the new baby she wanted.

I was very young, and didn't know any better, and probably went along with it too easily.

Yes, I can understand why you went along with it, but you're wiser now. It must have been difficult to support your DW with this unreasonable behaviour, though.

100%, and my DM was understandably hurt by it.

It created a structure and a distance that then carried on with subsequent GCs unfortunately.

I've apologised to my mum many times, and she's accepted, but I know it's still a source of sadness for her, and definitely regret for me.

I'm really sorry to hear that.
You can't get time back, can you?
You've tried to make amends though and I hope things are ok now.

Although we're only getting one side of the story - the inherent problem with AIBU! - there seems to be a lot of victim-blaming on this thread.

From similar situations I've seen, unfortunately there are some new mothers who choose to demonise and alienate their MiL... who is usually going out of her way to accommodate the new parents' wishes and 'know her place'. It's very sad. But so common that I almost wonder if it's biologically driven, one of those unexpected post-partum things.

Most men in this situation choose the easier option of avoidance or appeasing their partner - rather than stepping up, considering everyone's feelings and trying to bring the family together, if only for the baby's sake. Admittedly that's a skilled job and they probably don't feel up to it. But it's an extra blow to a baffled, hurt and loving mother/grandparent.

YANBU OP and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. You'll find good advice and hopefully some consolation in Grandparenting by Dr Terri Apter.

But if I'd dug my heels in at the time, it would have caused massive problems, and many would have felt I was being unreasonable with a new mum.

But if you wait too long, things get embedded, and extremely hard to reverse.

Just keep gently trying OP - directly with your DIL, without being overbearing!

Perhaps at an opportune moment you could ask her if she'd be more comfortable if you used your son to facilitate.

It sounds from many PPs like they would prefer this!

Agree with others that your son is the problem. He’s the one that should be making the effort to ensure his kids have a relationship with you.

I also think your other child is a problem stirring things up with gossip - which btw you don’t know if it’s even true.

You are never going to win with these ladies. Mils are horrible. Maybe ignore your daughter in law and just speak with your son.

I think posters should read contributions from @DiscontinuedModelHusband as after all he is a man in this position!

If one partner is determined about something, then what can the other do without causing an atmosphere, rows, and generally making life uncomfortable. Most mil/dils rub along ok but just as you get awful mils (been there!) you also get dils who, if not actively unpleasant, are simply determined to eliminate in-laws from their lives. Very often the in- laws’ sole crime is not being the dil’s own family.

Sounds just like my sons partner,it never gets any better,she seems to take pleasure in hurting me.

If you’d asked your son how he was in front of the DIL shortly after the birth I think that would have been unreasonable, but asking your son in private by text message I don’t think was a problem.

I really can’t see you’re doing anything wrong here. It’s just hard. I have a great MIL, really lovely and thoughtful and to be honest damn near perfect. But the truth is it’s just more effort and more awkward being around her than my own mum.

I think you need to stop blaming DIL so much and focus on your son’s responsibility here. Why isn’t he making more effort to connect with you and for you to build a strong relationship with your grandchildren? He sounds really passive to be honest. The DIL always gets the blame but why shouldn’t she make plans to see her own family and then your son make plans with you? It’s like DILs are expected to do the emotional work for all the family and that is an outdated view.