AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

One thing that I think is always missing from these threads is that it's always assumed that daughter/mum relationships are always cordial and daughter/dad relationships are irrelevant.

When I visit my parents and my mum spouts some BS about naps, I can snap back at her, whereas with my MIL I feel the need to smile and style it out. It's like the difference between being with candid friends and giving feedback at work!

Also, I am far more comfortable being in my dad's presence than FIL's. In fact, my dad is the best grandparent, and the kindest and most helpful parent (he was running around me with muslins for all of my first visit, whilst MIL suggested I go feed my son upstairs...). I could do a whole thread on FIL being an insensitive git.

I think you need to calm down!
Why on earth is asking how her son is, wrong? It sounds like the OP cares about both of them. Of course her son needs support and that’s exactly the job of his MUM.
I’m sorry that you had a really tough time, but it’s not about you.

I think you need to pick your battles. The nanny and the overnights I would let go completely because these aren't a part of everyone's experience with their grandchildren in any case and they aren't essential for a positive relationship.

From what you describe none of the other stuff sounds unreasonable but I do agree that it might be worth looking more closely at your son's role in this.

Your DIL sounds very self centred and clearly doesn’t consider her husband’s family as equal to her own family members but as lesser beings in the family hierarchy.

Unfortunately, a lot of DIL’s simply don’t care about their in-laws and make very little effort to treat both sides of the family equally. As she doesn’t need to use you for childcare, you really won’t ever figure high on her list of priorities.

It’s a crying shame that your son is enabling this!

You can only hope they eventually get divorced and your son goes for 50/50 custody. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really wouldn’t expect to stay overnight when you only live 90 minutes away!

You sound like a perfectly reasonable MIL and I’m sorry you’re going through this. We had similar in our family, a DIL wouldn’t let anybody hold the baby and visits were rare, her social media painted her as a saintly mum-influencer but as soon as her maternity leave ended it was as though she was bored of her daughter. The marriage broke down and now she’ll fob her daughter off on anyone. Couldn’t be less interested in being a mum! Very bizarre! I would ask your son for more support though, he should be able to visit his own family in peace! I’d love DH to take DD to the in-laws regularly but they’re simply not interested.

I agree that your son is the issue here.

But as well as his failure to facilitate the relationship between you and his wife and child, I’m also wondering if he is a shit partner and father? It sounds like he took it upon himself to tell you his wife was in labour without asking her if that was ok to do. I agree that this was something she should have had a say in. I think she’s cross with him not you because he did not think to ask her if she was ok with that.

How does he behave when you go and visit? Does he do the hosting? Is it clear that he has done all. the prep for your visit? And if DIL says it would really upset her and the child if your son took your grandchild to visit you without her, is it because he’s not a great dad and doesn’t know his child’s routine and she can’t trust him to manage? Maybe DIL doesn’t want you staying overnight because she would have to do all the work for that while your son does nothing. It sounds like he can’t even take responsibility for taking photos and sending them to you.

He is the one who needs to step up here. You can play your part by praising DIL and making visits as easy as possible. Maybe turn up with a meal for the freezer as well as books for DGC. Things may naturally change over time as DGC grows older but please raise your expectations of your son. Don’t just assume he is trying to keep the peace. Maybe he just doesn’t pull his weight and DIL has enough on her plate

What an awful thing to say. You hope they get divorced in order to see more of a baby.

It will change as dc get older. Most dil want support from their own mums when they have young babies and toddlers.

I think you sound lovely and your DIL sounds like a pain in the arse. Your son needs to stop being such a wet wipe though, would solve all the problems.

Shocked at your son not sorting out visits and telling his DW how unreasonable this is. Wtf is his wife talking about , "doesn't want" to come and stay? So what? She should be big enough to realise that children's lives are enriched by all their relatives. It's not about her and what she needs or is interested in. Wait until her kids make friends with other kids whose parents she dislikes! What's she going to do then, talk about how she doesn't see why she should reciprocate play dates or host other parents because they're not her choices/friends etc?? People are such prats.

I have to ask. What was the relationship like before children?

Unless I missed it, I haven’t see anything about it. That gives context more often than not.

On the labour thing, I’ll admit it was annoying when my DH was updating his family after I had been induced and his family was texting him. Some had the cheek to ask what was taking so long (SIL is a head nurse and was pregnant herself with her second) as if I had bloody control over it being a first time mum who didn’t want to be induced in the first place (almost 3 days and all went tits up because my body wasn’t ready and they knew it) and it had been medically unnecessary in the first place.

This!

Yeah, also I'm going to guess that she'll still want gifts and money for the children from the mil!

That's what I was thinking too.
Your Ds does need to grow a pair he's being walked all over just to keep the peace at home.
She does need you or rate you and doesn't want your Ds to involve you by the sound of it.
I think I'd step back for my own mental health, send gifts or cards.
If either of them notices or says anything you can let your Ds know, you don't appear to be needed or wanted in their life and that it is upsetting to be cast aside, if you want to.

reading this I felt so sorry for you. The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one. However, I re read it & you put something that makes me think you know why she’s unhappy. The ‘I’ve tried to be more supportive & sympathetic this time’ is this because she’s demanding or have you been a bit of a nightmare yourself. I say this because unless you know why she’s unhappy it’s hard to put right & you don’t want to pander to someone who unreasonable b/c that will never work. The fact your other child is having such open discussions also makes me wonder. Is the DIL so comfortable she can discuss her grievance with your other children or are they getting the info from your son. I can’t imagine me sitting there and listening to someone moaning about my mom. If you do bear some blame then this is a lesson learnt. She holds all the cards. She doesn’t need your help, if she can’t get it from her parents she has the means to pay. It does sound like she doesn’t want to be beholden to you. Why? Does your help come with caveats.

The saving grace is you want to put things right. I would have a word with your son, ask him how to put it right. Apologise for anything you may have done wrong.

if it’s just the case she’s a controlling Diva then there isn’t a lot you can do. Your son will have to be the one that man’s up & sticks up for you, it may just be how it is for you & you’ll have to accept it

What I'm noticing here is that you've firmly framed this as your DIL being unhappy about you being told about the birth, and yet that isn't what your DS said at all and he did nothing to suggest it was about you.

Your DS told his sibling that they wouldn't be telling anyone about the birth until after while politely declining his sibling's offer of help, and yet you've made that into a stance against you specifically. It makes me wonder what other things you're prone to centring yourself in.

Even with her father?!

I agree with this.

Sometimes, some women from the getgo are determined to have the son but not the family.
They have their mum and dad and they just don't care to split visits, giving her in laws the absolute minimum.
The son's are too lazy and selfish to insist otherwise.

Those that I know that this has happened to, haven't kicked up, they have accepted that they are surplus to requirements and have invested in themselves and their own lives, and accepted that their sons children will only visit a couple of times a year.

Of course this is painful.

It is a waste of energy to fight this and imagine you can change women who are like this.

I have adult sons and daughters, but not grandchildren.

I would definitely be very tempted to pass any inheritance directly on to any grandchildren if it turned out that my child treated me like this.

OP, you’re blaming her though to make excuses for your son. I know it’s easier to do that, and being his mother you can’t see it objectively. You’re even implying he’s scared of her.

My in-laws blame ME and don’t like me because my husband doesn’t see them very often. What they don’t understand is that HE is the one who is not interested/lazy about seeing them. Nothing to do with me. Of course, it’s easier to blame the “outsider”.

Your DIL sounds very controlling and is not showing any consideration for your side of the family. Unfortunately your son sounds like he's under the thumb and, as long as he just lets her take charge of everything, you will not receive decent treatment from her. All you can do is carry on showing an interest without being overbearing and hope she relents a bit. It sounds like you are being very reasonable but sadly you will always play second fiddle to her parents.

Concentrate on your relationship with your son. Phonecalls not messages, so she can't interfere? Also try a charm offensive of flattery, presents, offerings of food. Keep offering to help. Keep visiting. Other than that you can't really do much.
Can you get other people to tell her how much you admire her etc eg your other child? Can you tell her parents too? Social media?

Weird comment!

90 minutes away could be 80 miles. Even further. Me and my brother used to stay at our gran's sometimes, and an aunt's house (with our cousins) and they were only 25 minutes drive - about 15 miles away. We even stayed at a cousin's house sometimes who only lived 5-6 miles away.

People don't have to live multiple 100s of miles away to have family/grandkids staying over.

Bitch is such an awful word.

I would absolutely be very disappointed in my son primarily, if he lazily went along her not being pushed.

I do think men can be genuinely selfish and lazy when it comes to family despite caring about them.

I see it with my own husband and his siblings.
I no longer put myself out to travel to them to facilitate his relationship with them, when it doesn't suit me, despite really liking them.
I have enough going on in my life.
He is responsible for his family and relationships.
I've done more than enough.

I would be extremely hurt in your position .Posters berating you for wanting a closer bond with you dgd are deliberately misunderstanding the situation.It sounds as if you cant do anything right in your DIL's eyes and she is enjoying the power.Sorry but she sounds like a selfish madam.