AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

"A son is yours until he takes a wife, a daughter is yours for the rest of your life."

Seems to be what's happening here...

Turn my phone off? Wouldn’t it be easier just to not tell people the date of a planned c section? No one needs to know.

Ok fine, yes.
I'm glad it worked out well 🙂

There’s an outside chance that OP you are reading things wrongly altogether:
Like with the first birth when your son contacted you to say it was starting- that might have been against their agreement, so she may have been cross with him, not you.

It is hard to know what she was upset about specifically because she hasn’t said it to you - it’s your two children who say what she thought or felt. I know from my own family how things can be filtered a bit differently, intentionally or not.

The other thing that struck me was from my own experience of my first labour/birth - the outcome was different in that DD died in utero but I didn’t know that on the way to the hospital. The agreement was we’d let parents know once things were definitely underway by text and phone after the birth.
I remember DH didn’t want to phone his parents when we were told DD was deceased and I couldn’t understand that one bit. I had to force him to tell them and they came straight away from 2 hours away - I’m glad they did as things got much worse for me afterwards. But.. sorry this is so longwinded.. I held off telling my family until the next morning because I knew my mum would be hysterical (whereas I knew PILs would be calm). It didn’t ultimately work out like that as I ended up having to call my mum at 4am as I was haemorrhaging to death for hours by that stage and had gone into DIC.

i say all of that because I was very very clear about what was to happen with my second - another horrendous experience because we found out at 28 weeks that DD was likely profoundly disabled and I had a c-section at 36 weeks. Both sets of parents knew the dates but once again my mother was hysterical all day - because I had to have a GA and didn’t wake for over 2 hours after the start of surgery my mum was horrible to me when I did ring - all because DH had been told to ring my mum once he could but instead he texted my sister. My mum assumed I’d asked for that to happen when I was still in a surgery.

So, very long story short - it might be your son that DIL is trying to rein in a bit for reasons you know nothing about or can’t see because he’s your son etc.

Re the visits - it’s possible again that it’s your son who doesn’t want to do many visits and as DIL doesn’t have an open window with you “separately” as it were she doesn’t do more. And she’s probably just past the updating and visiting if she’s heavily pregnant with a young DC and maybe feels exactly about her own parents as you think she doesn’t about you.
I think you sound sensitive to her wishes but perhaps have a think about whether there’s something just slightly different going on…
I mean my mum took offence at the drop of a hat and I hated having to manage that on top of everything else, especially when I had absolutely no negative feelings about the things she’d think I was doing to cause “offence”.

Im only up to here in reading through but im so bored of people - almost always men ‘the nice guys’ - being described as ‘conflict avoidant’ as if its a neutral or even positive character trait.

no. It is a thoroughly shit character trait. It means cowardly. It means rather see someone else hurt than have a conversation I don’t want. It’s weak. It’s pathetic.

it is your SON who should be facilitating your relationship with his child, his wife is not his PA.

When my DIL and the baby nearly died. When my son left the hospital he came straight round to ours. I put my hand on his shoulder, said are you okay he completely broke down. I held him tight and cried too.

My DIL said she was glad he had us to turn to because she was too ill for a few days. Her mum was there for her at the hospital and afterwards. Moved into their home for a couple of weeks. Family pull together don't they?

They do indeed. You'd think that's what matters the most. I hope it all worked out well for the family 🙏.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Unfortunately I think this is par for the course in many cases when you have sons. Many dil forget that the baby / child they love and cherish will one day grow up, be in a relationship and they won’t stop loving them but will be relegated to the bottom of the pile.
i honestly think with a bit more consideration about how mil loves the DH / DP as much as they love their own dc and the dil / mil relationship could be improved.
not in all cases but you don’t sound unreasonable at all, and it seems so many dil really take against their mil (well at least on here) when they have a child.

It sounds like the daughter-in-law is looking for reasons not to include you. The list of issues she has with you is pretty flimsy. Whatever reason, she can’t be bothered building a relationship with you.

As others have said your son should be making much more effort.

My kids are young adults and hopefully way off being parents yet. But if my son ever has to watch the traumatic birth of his child, you better believe I will be asking him how he is, and giving him a hug afterwards. As well as having concern for his partner ofc.

I think you probably need to stop walking on eggshells. Be your lovely self and hopefully they will come around.

I honestly think that's nonsense.

' My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come'

No-one is 'making shit up'.

This. This. This.

So I sort of feel like your DIL does toward my MIL. I can explain my point of view to help you understand what she might be feeling but we're all different at the end of the day and all have different circumstances!

I think being pregnant and having babies can be a very vulnerable time and a very stressful time and when I feel like this I generally need space from people apart from my husband, children and close family like parents/siblings. This is because these are the people I am comfortable being vulnerable in front of, I don't have to be "on". I'm not worried about damaging my relationship with these people if I'm stressed or in a bad mood and say the wrong thing. But my MIL is not a relationship like this purely because she isn't blood even though she's a nice person and have been on holiday with her/shopping with her many many times before children.

I'm also an introvert so for me socializing is a demand and when pregnant or looking after babies, I already experiencing far too much demand and just don't have the capacity to socialize much unless with the close relationships described above.

I have different circumstances because my family don't live close by where as my in-laws do, so it's not like I'm seeing a load of my own family to make my MIL jealous but in all honesty, if they did live close by I could imagine seeing them more than my in laws because this is just what I would find supportive to me.

I'm also not exactly like your DIL because I do see in laws once every week or two and have made it clear to my husband that he can take the children over more than this if he likes to, but I just want to stay at home.

I once saw somewhere some advice (from a MIL) that you should treat your DIL how you would treat a friend and I think this is so true.

I would ask your son rather than DIL for pictures and maybe ask if he can bring the kids to you and extra day a month or something or to video call. It should be your son's responsibility to facilitate these relationships in my opinion, unless you have a daughter in law who is very sociable and wants to do this but it doesn't look like it.

Sadly she doesn’t make much of an effort does she?
Your son could be a bit more assertive - perhaps bring over older grandchild to give new mum/baby a break.
Just keep being supportive but not overwhelming.
Daughters usually have much more of a bond with their Mum, it’s just a fact of life.

You just have to bide your time op. The dil sounds unhinged and no doubt someone on her side will say or do the wrong thing or the nanny will overstep somewhere so you may be called open for childcare.

It'll be hard to take a back seat but they've made their position very clear and unless you go even lower contact just enjoy the monthly visits. Maybe with a newborn you may be allowed to take the older dc to the park if you play your cards right .

Your DIL sounds just like my ex DIL - very controlling and a bit of a diva. I feel sorry for your son, he is probably terrified to upset his wife. It’s not always a case of the son growing a pair, there are plenty of women out there lacking empathy and compassion, who like to control all aspects of their relationship, it’s their way or no way. My son was broken by his wife acting like this DIL and refusing to let me and his father into their lives in any form. My best advice is to try to maintain a good relationship with them both. Don’t rock the boat but try to be quietly consistent. Make sure your son knows you love him unconditionally just in case it all goes pear shaped.

Your son needs to be more assertive, she sounds like a proper diva.

That's sounds completely normal and fine. And like someone who is on eggshells trying their best not to offend someone who has the power to make their lives hell.

But it's down to your son to fix this. It sounds like he hasn't got the nerves to tackle it.

I've only read a few of the messages at the beginning and not sure where the hurtful comments come from. Yes, your DIL is going to rely and want to see her mum more than you unfortunately, but it does seem a lot like you are being left out. Can you possibly speak to your son alone and let him read this or just ask him what you have done wrong in DIL eyes?
I hope it gets better for you x

@confusedgranny , I’m so sorry but your DIL sounds like an absolute bitch. I feel for you, some women appear to not be able to tolerate their husband’s mother in particular. She’s probably insecure which doesn’t help you. She’s depriving her daughter of a close relationship with you which goes to show the level of her selfishness. Try talking to your son and asking if he has any suggestions. Good luck.

I don't think you can assume this is all coming from DIL. I often take the flack for being the bad guy DIL for decisions my DH makes regarding his family. In fact if it wasn't for me he would never contact them. If they want to blame me for his lack of contact there is no point seeking to tell them otherwise.

You sound very caring and not pushy but obviously there is only so much you can portray from a post. I would say that maintaining contact but not being over pushy is what you should aim for but DIL sounds a bit controlling from the posts here but maybe she is just very anxious.

I would just post on the whats app chat once they have announced the birth and not bother with asking when the date is. Offer help then and don't get upset if it is not taken up. There is no point competing with other GPs as your DIL has a totally different relationship with them to the one she has with you. Going forward offer help with babysitting, meals etc but try not to be hurt if they are not taken up. Hopefully in time your DS will step up and facilitate more contact with you and your DIL will be a more relaxed mother.

If that were actually true, then that’s coercive controlling abuse and he should divorce her. But it’s more likely that he just cba.

She sounds horrible.
You also have a spineless son, so this won't get any easier.
I wouldn't be facilitating this treatment of my parents, so any partner that tried would get short shift.

Man goes along with his dw to keep the peace, it isn't news or coercivecontrol.

My point was a pp had said posters were 'making shit up' saying his dw didn't like him to vist without her and she didn't like to visit full stop when that is indeed what the op said.