AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

I don’t think you’ll be able to answer who does the prep really, I was just musing and considering another angle. Making tea and taking coats is a lot easier than vacuuming and making beds (also usually somebody will thank you for the tea, as I’m sure you understand being a woman and mother, the invisible work that nobody ever thanks you for grinds you down the most). Being a SAHM is also exhausting whilst also pregnant, I missed that part. I think you sound perfectly reasonable from everything you’ve said. I would guess she’s just in a difficult place and easily irritated. Been there with pregnancy and small kids! Sometimes a perfectly reasonable person can still be too much.

Have you asked to stay over and been told no? From reading your responses there’s an awful lot of “I guess” “I think” and assumptions about what your DIL is thinking or doing. It’s not your daughter in law responsibility to keep your relationship up, that is for your son and you! Sounds like your son needs to step up and is a bit passive

@Digdongdooi don’t ask to stay over, as I feel like that’s rude. There’s been situations though where it’s natural to offer (train issues or when they knew I’d be in their city at the theatre at an evening performance) and they didn’t, which I respected and felt would be inappropriate to directly ask.

Yes, they’ve stayed over before having a child and I have said to them both together and individually that they’re always welcome to sleep over if it makes the journey easier or if they ever fancy coming for a lie in whilst I look after my GC (an early riser) and make them breakfast.

All this ‘top grandma’ and ‘daughters naturally trust their own mothers’ stuff. Utterly awful.
I know my mother and when my children were small I definitely trusted my mother in law with them more. We are much more careful around each other, gentler and more respectful. Whereas my mum felt and feels able to absolutely ride roughshod over me!
Generally however, I felt that were the DC ever cared for by their grandparents (didn’t happen often due to geographical distance) that they would be with people I trusted because they loved the bones of my kids. They might not have done things the way I’d totally wanted but they were in their care and both parties were at least fine and at best having a blast.
These are early days OP. The relationship will shift and change in time.

@Pinkandpurple225533i don’t know who does the vacuuming, but there’s no need for towels or bedding as we don’t stay over. I know they have a housekeeper but again, I don’t know the ins and outs of how much is done by him or her or the housekeeper. I agree with you though that I assume as a SAHM she ends up doing more around the house, as most do.

All this ‘top grandma’ and ‘daughters naturally trust their own mothers’ stuff. Utterly awful.

why? Not many people are as close to you as your own mother,

The OP doesn't sound unpleasant at all, but they were hardly close, making small talk and seeing each other when it was polite to do so.

Why on earth do you think people should magically get close because one has a baby, or want to suddenly have any serious contact with that stranger? The polite ones, because of your husband, of course, but why do you think a stranger should suddenly get involved with pregnancy, birth, newborn stage, and have contacts?

If someone wants a close relationship with their grand-children, get close to their mum first

What a stupid answer. Of course their relationship is not fine. The DIL treats her MIL completely differently from her own mum. The son needs to step up and ensure his mum is treated equally. They are both grandparents and unless the OP has a backstory we don’t know, then they should both see the grand children.

Full sympathy for you, and you are doing nothing wrong. It sounds as though it wouldnt matter what you do, the DIL is intent on being unhelpful/remote/distant and it is so upsetting to hear.

You sound a lovely gran/nanna and its such a shame women are so mean to each other. Do nothing ....let them know you are so wanting to help and send your love and then wait....

TBH the new Mum sounds horrible - she may not be - but in this situation she does know at some level the 'power' she has and she's relishing it. Let your Son know how you feel and then stand back.

Just because she has had a baby and feels less than great, doesn't give a license to be a rude and unkind person...and she is....be less available, and hopefully, it may improve. Im so sorry this is happening, and I do hope it gets better for you.

the DIL treat her MIL, a near stranger with whom she has just made some small talk on occasion, differently from her own mum, who has raised her? No kidding 😂

Demanding to be treated "equally" is exactly why it's necessary to put strong boundaries, and frankly stay well away.

You don't DEMAND. If you want to get close, you make efforts from the start of the relationship. Why do you think a woman would suddenly owes you anything simply because she had a baby that you assume you have some rights over? Ridiculous

You are nothing to that woman. Not respecting her as a mother and demanding rights on her baby, and ignoring her as a person, is exactly why you have none

So disrespectful. You think DIL’s contribution during your visits is to “wipe GDs bum.” I’m not surprised she is distancing herself from you.

She’s now been labelled a “twat”.

DIL sounds like a bit of a cow and your DS seems to have misplaced his backbone. I say that as a DIL who does not particularly like her MIL (she has been very nasty to me at various points over the past 30 years), and as a wife who's DH has only recently started to locate his backbone.

She prefers her family and is steering DS in that direction. Realistically I don't think there is much you can do about it. Your behaviour as you describe it does not sound unreasonable or demanding. Don't expect her to suddenly become a nice, fair and reasonable person though. Try to keep comms lines open and make the most of the time you do have with DGC.

Er, did you miss that OP's DS is the father of the grandchild. It was not immaculate conception, and the child does not belong exclusively to the DIL. We only have one side of the story, but the side we have does not sound like nuts MIL territory.

My MIL could not be arsed to visit our DC much at all (1.5 hrs away), and proudly said last year that she'd done her time raising children so had had no intention of changing a single nappy or doing any baby sitting. I never asked her or FIL to do anything on childcare front even though my family all lived abroad and I had no other support, but have tried in vain to nurture a relationship between them and DC. My DF is quite hurt by the way his mum behaves towards our child - formally correct (christmas present, but usually much smaller than for other DGC) but uncaring. I have left my child with them for only two half days in 11 years as a result of her disinterest. Her other DGC don't seem to like her very much, and the older ones are openly contemptuous of her, but I insist that my DC is at least respectful (he does not like her either). Her three children are not close to her either.

So I feel sorry for OP. She wants a relationship with DGC, and DIL is actively working against that and her DS has no backbone. Difficult situation to resolve satisfactorily.

Now a cow. Misogynist Bingo.

Of course both sons and daughters will tend to closest to their own mums.

But a baby has two parents and good parents of either sex will foster relationships for their DC with loving grandparents. This ‘top grandma’ thing is really quite sad imo.

I think your brave to post this OP, a significant amount of posters on MN are notorious anti- MIL no matter what the situation.

I think your DIL is being controlling. Yes she may closer to her own mother that's understandable, but I hate all this "top grandma" nonsense. Your grandchild deserves a relationship with both grandparents equally. Your grandchild is not your daughters possession and even though she may be anxious about being away from her daughter, her son should still be allowed to take his own daughter to his mums overnight.

It's the double standards on here
I can just imagine what would happen if the roles were reversed. If a dad said his wife couldn't take her daughter away overnight to visit her mum without his consent, there'd be absolute outrage on here. Yet because it's the mum calling the shots, it's seen as perfectly acceptable.

this is something your son needs to resolve. You can ask her what’s wrong but I get the impression from your consecutive answers that she won’t take to kindly. She sounds jealous & controlling IMO. Something she was able to hide quite well when they got together because of Covid & all relationships were strictly minimised. He didn’t see this side of her because she never had to show it. He stays in regular contact by phone when he’s to & from work. I would ask him if you’ve done anything to upset her because you’d loathe to of. Ask if there’s anything you can do to build a better relationship with her. Maybe you could suggest a spa day as a female outing with other family members. You could even suggest she brings her mom if you feel the suggestion isn’t received enthusiastically. Kill her with kindness, it will make it harder for her to be a bitch towards you.

Come on now, does anyone really believe that DS said to his wife that he really wants them all to visit his mother, and DIL said 'absolutely not!'? I think it's more like DS can't be bothered and is using his wife as an excuse, just to avoid conflict.
If he wanted to, he would.

I would. I've seen plenty of posts on here from mums who refuse to be parted from their children overnight or won't allow it. In fact there was a very thread a few months ago where a mum wouldn't let her husband take their 3 year old away over night as the mum had "seperation anxiety" from being away from him.

Point is, we don't know which it is.

We've stayed with my parents with my son because we live 200 miles from them. His parents are 40m away, but they haven't asked us to stay over (well, they uninvited us from Christmas, but that's another story!), and if I've mentioned it to my husband, he prefers to come home.

So it's not even a straightforward "she's evil vs he's really lazy" - it's far more likely to be a middle ground, because that's what most people are.

But it's MN, so somebody has to "win".

Obviously we don't have dil's side, but with what's in the op, Dil sounds extremely controlling

But what's the likelihood that the DIL is as bad as the post suggests and MIL is as good as she suggests?

If people want to help the OP, it's likely useful for both sides to understand each other and come to some sort of better position than they are. Not to entrench an "me Vs her" situation (one poster even wished for fucking divorce!).

You say "I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time" were you not the first time? If so it's likely to have stemmed from that as it does alter how you view someone and you treat them accordingly. Maybe a chat about what happened that was insensitive/unsupportive with some genuine reflection, apology and changed behaviour would go a long way? (Assuming something happened and it wasn't just poor wording in the OP)

With you asking your son if he was alright after traumatic birth and her being upset about it. You was in right to ask him, my husbands mental health did take a nose dive after my traumatic birth so it had a profound effect on him as well as me but I'd give her some grace taking into account she'd just had a baby in a very traumatic way with all the hormones and trauma that comes with that and you're mil goes to the person who didn't nearly die "oh how are you with it?" It may have felt like you didn't give a shit about her even though it wasn't intended like that but you are very sensitive after having a baby in the best of circumstances never mind the not so good circumstances.

As for the C section date this could be that they don't know yet as I'm having an elective c section so I've been telling everyone (baby will be here mid to late April) because you aren't given a date until 1-2 weeks before. But it could be that they don't want you to know and I wouldn't push for a date.

Absolutely agree!

She doesn't. Because it's OP's interpretation of DD's interpretation of DS's interpretation of what she may have said.

The chances of it being what she ACTUALLY said are zero.