AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

I agree with @SoftLeaf, your son needs to facilitate your relationship with your GC, not your DIL. My DH, for example, shares photos with his parents as and when he wants to, keeps them updated, visits them with the children, etc. Last summer, for example, it was easier for him and DS to visit for a week (DD was working) while I stayed at home with the dog.

Your DH can take control of the situation if he wants to. Let him know that you’d like to keep in touch more and let him sort it out.

She’s just feeling it all op and just wants her own parents. It’s not fair but unfortunately life, the mum (her) is smack bang in the middle of all this busyness and newness and is feeling protective of everything. Which sucks for you and mils of women in general but I think just ask do they need help etc. mn is predominantly women and hates mils in general (my mil is fantastic but I definitely went through the possessiveness of wanting my family to see the child first etc, not rational but I’m sure you were there yourself!!)

I recently found out (through my other child)

And I know (again, through my other child)

What the hell is going on here?

ETA: Also, no word of criticism for your precious son, it's all your DIL's fault?!

So, imo, yes you are one of those MILs

@BaalSatanas I guess he’s just very conflict avoidant. Time-wise they can come. She just doesn’t enjoy it as much and he’s probably trying not to upset her especially in the aftermath of a traumatic birth, then whilst breastfeeding so she doesn’t stress and lose milk, then with a young child, then whilst conceiving and whilst pregnant again… That would be my logical guess based on the man I know but of course perhaps I am wrong.

Distance is the same. We both live about 1hr30 away - her parents and us, from my son and DIL.

Re: the overnight thing.
So; DIL is staying overnight sometimes at her parents with her young DC.

DIL doesn't want DC staying overnight away from her yet.

Neither of the above has any baring in you personally. How old is GC1? I never felt comfy leaving any of my kids overnight till they were 5 or 6. I know some mums are ok with it younger. We're all different.

She's not leaving DC at her parents overnight so there's no 'competition' here.

You can’t just make these “logical guesses” to excuse your sons poor behaviour. Yes, your son. Not your DIL. Your son. Don’t make excuses for him about being conflict avoidant. He just isn’t bothering to bring his family to come and see you. And you can’t blame her for that.

Your other child has no business passing on the woman private medical business.
The issues are with your son, it's his responsibility to arrange contact with his kid and you. It sucks that he won't bother, but you can't expect your DiL to sort contact with both sets of grandparents.

I really feel for you. I don’t think you’ve said anything unreasonable. I think your DIL is a bit thoughtless and maybe quite controlling if your son doesn’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up with her.

I am lucky that I adored my MIL, she sadly passed away earlier this year but we had a wonderful relationship and I wouldn’t dream of not including her when was in labour, i made sure she saw our children plenty. It was also important to my DH so the fact your DIL isn’t doing it for your son is a bit selfish. My MIL didn’t really babysit when my two were little. I was a big worrier as a new mum and she admitted she was out of practice and worried about babysitting but we both understood each other.

I’d suggest just making the most out of every opportunity you are given to spend time with your grandchildren. Have lots of fun with them, make it so that they ask to see you and want to spend time with you.

How old is your GD?

The next day I messaged to ask how she’s feeling and she said “all good”, I messaged my son privately on our WhatsApp to ask how he’s doing.

So he would have had to go out of his way to TELL her you asked after him. That seems a really odd thing for him to have done.

I'm fairly sure my lovely MIL would have asked DH how he was doing (after three bloody days of labour) but he wouldn't have told me that. And she dropped a whole case of my favourite drink because I was in bed and dehydrated. No flowers, no gifts, no meals, just exactly what I needed.

People calling you DIL a bitch are best ignored. It won't go better if you think like that.

@MaplePumpkinmy other child knows that DIL was unhappy about me being told about the birth because they offered help around the birth (if you need me to look after GC or to come over at night should she go into labour overnight or bring anything or drive her or any practical help I’ll be here) and my son responded with “we won’t be informing anyone of the birth this time because it upset my wife last time, so no help needed thanks”. In the same way, I assume my son must have told his sibling that this is the reason they don’t visit, I very much doubt DIL would have shared that, so this is the most reasonable assumption. It does seem odd that they don’t come this way because the distance isn’t huge, he’s always come previously.

She does sound quite controlling and your DS clearly gives her that opportunity, in order to keep the peace. It's a shame he won't step up a little to say he will visit you with your Granddaughter. I'd say give it time.

Keep up the friendly, open relationship and in time they may well start to ask you to babysit or look after their DCs especially when they have 2. Perhaps DIL doesn't want to be beholden to anyone or feel like she owes you for looking after their DCs. Or she could be worried about you building a relationship with her DCs and that may be something she would be jealous of or would find difficult to cope with? What was her childhood like and how is her relationship with her own Mother?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It's really really difficult though - I'm a DGP (my DS) and do lots of childcare as DS and DIL both work jobs that wouldn't work around regular childcare. We would not see my DGS this much at all if we didn't do the childcare as they have busy lives with work and weekends are spent as their own little family and visiting other family and friends as well as us, which is all absolutely how it should be.

Keep busy with other things and try not to spend too much time wishing for something that isn't going to happen - yet.

Why can’t your son send you pictures or bring little one over to you for the day? Why is it dil fault?

In the same way, I assume my son must have told his sibling that this is the reason they don’t visit, I very much doubt DIL would have shared that, so this is the most reasonable assumption.

More and more, it is clear that you are that type of MIL.

Ah OP. I think the crux of the matter is that your DIL either doesn't like you very much or you just aren't deemed worthy of her time. She's very involved with her side of the family and they meet all her needs, both practical and emotional. I'm afraid to say this is the normal way of things. DILs gravitate towards their own mums and it therefore follows that the grandchildren have more exposure to her side of the family. Your son should step up, yes, but he's got to live with his wife not you! So who's he less likely to want to upset? The woman he lives with and the mother of his kids, or his mum? I'm afraid it's a story as old as time.

I look back and I think I was a bit of a witch to my mother-in-law because I honestly didn’t understand mother-daughter relationship. I’d never had one.
The comfort that I felt in being able to tell my own mother to fuck off when she was being awful it’s not a level of comfort that you would want to experience from another person
So I’m massively regret not making more effort because she did really love my children
And now she’s got dementia they love her more than any other non-parent adult in the world and I’m just extra sad. We didn’t include her more.
This is probably not gonna help your situation, but it might help other daughter-in-law‘s Reading

You don't have a DIL problem, you have a DS problem.

I don't understand this at all. It's your son's responsibility to arrange time with you and you're just finding a way to blame the woman for his failings. OP says she guesses he just does it to keep the peace or is avoiding conflict...but do you know that for sure? Maybe he just doesn't care? Or can't be bothered? Just lets his wife arrange everything? Always shocks me on MN when I see people bending over backwards to blame a woman for something that's a man's responsibility.

@MrsTerryPratchett or she saw messages? I know they’re very open with phones in the sense that I’ve seen him pick up hers and she takes his to Google things, they see each other’s locations. Honestly I’ve not asked for details of how she knows to escalate the situation but it seems odd for him to say “hey my mum just asked how I’m doing” so I don’t know.

ive also asked him and her how they’re both doing when I’ve visited, trying to ask her first if it’s soon after the baby but in all honesty it depends who answers the door as “how’re you” seems like a natural question upon greeting each other.

We didn't tell our parents when our c section was planned (or anyone) as we didn't want anyone stressing / asking any questions or expecting anything until the baby was out. We then phoned parents.

Your DIL sounds really unpleasant and self-centered and I am sorry but I do think you need to accept that times have changed and most people now prefer if they can afford it to pay for a nanny than ask family.
It's easier for many to be able to just ask for things to be done as they choose rather than navigate conversations with grandparents who want leeway in how they care for the children / what they feed them etc.

DIL is a "brat"?! She's allowed to have boundaries, it's her life, medical procedure, children etc. I struggle to imagine my mum asking how l am if my husband was to have an operating. Because it's not all about me

In answer to the original question. It does sound like being one of "those MIL" isn't that far away. People parent very differently. I know there are things my husband and l do that my mother and MIL don't agree with. Tough. It's none of their business. With regards to the picture thing then why is it your DIL's job?! The Labour thing is a bit intrusive, it wouldn't bother me but your DIL feels differently

OP I feel your pain. You sound like my lovely MIL and your DIL sounds like my horrible SIL. No reason for her to be distant/mean to our MIL but she just is. Seems to get a kick out of it and BIL is a complete wet lettuce who wouldn’t stand up to his wife if his life depended on it!

my MIL has had some luck with just being super nice to DIL - telling her what a great mum she is, saying how wonderful DNiece is and how it’s all down to DIL’s parenting - so sucking up basically! Also helps that SIL’s own mum is quite busy so SIL does need MIL for the occasional babysitting.

in your shoes I would suck up to DIL for the sake of relationship with DGC, take food round and make her drinks when you visit after baby, and message your son separately asking for DGC updates/photos, so you’re not bothering DIL. It sucks but it’s the only way.

This! Okay so you’re not mega close to your daughter in law, as is sometimes the case, but I’m struggling to see why any of this is her fault as opposed to your sons who seems just as content to keep an ‘arms length’ type relationship.
There are parts of your post where you’ve acted in ways that could offend or irritate and ways that your daughter in law has, but that’s not overly surprising given we can all be perceived that way sometimes, intended or not!

Everything you've described about the first birthday and what you it and said around it sounds absolutely appropriate and kind and reasonable. DIL sounds quite unpleasant. I didn't have a traumatic birth first time but there was some intervention required and in his first couple of hours of life DH was carrying him down to NICU for tests while having no idea why I kept passing out. If MIL hadn't checked in on him to see how he'd been feeling after that I'd think she was being really uncaring.

you aren’t top grandma. Mum’s mum usually is. is a horrible statement. My mum and MIL are equally loved and valued as grandmothers and I'd consider DH and I had both failed somewhere if that wasn't what we had facilitated.

So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother.

This is a feeling, not a fact. Her not wanting to leave her DC overnight, is about your DIL and her DC. It doesnt have to be a judgement on you!

but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

Again, feelings are not facts. Why would decide that a family decision on practicalities around childcare was a judgement on your trustworthiness? It will be about what works best for them as a family.

You are overthinking and projecting on so many points here that I would be very open to hearing the DIL side.

Unless he is in a controlling relationship, your DS is and always has been in control of how you fit in with their family life.