AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

Next time there’s a thread where the OP is being slated for having gender disappointment because she’s only having boys I’m gonna link to this thread, because situations like this are exactly why it happens.

No. A troubled or selfish dil is not the reason for "gender disappointment". Plenty of us have fantastic sons, and are wise enough to know that the sex of your child is not the most important thing about them.

Yes! I agree.

You can't do right for doing wrong. I wonder sometimes if some daughters-in-law are slightly insecure and possibly envious of their husband's close relationship with his mother. After all, you've known him all his life.

Jesus christ, imagine your son almost loses the love of his life and also maybe potentially his child or being left to raise a child alone as a widower and his wife would be pissed off if you asked your kid how he was after that experience?! Seriously?
A friends husband almost died recently, I asked her how she was doing, he must be really annoyed with me for checking on her. Get a bloody grip.

Your DIL does not owe you making her birth trauma legible to you, the day after giving birth.

Wow there are a lot of extreme's on this thread. 1) sometimes people don't get with their in laws as well as said in laws think. Let the threads of MN be a sounding board for that. 2) Her body, her choice who is told when she is giving birth 3) I don't think the OP posted anything about how their relationship was before the first child. I'd be shocked if it were plan sailing. No one cuts out their ILs from the birth/after when they get along like a house on fire before. If you genuinely want to have a better relationship, have you asked your son how he thinks that you should fix it vs just having him at yours? There is so clearly part of the story missing when just cutting out DIL altogether is the go to move.

Ok, a daughter-in-law here speaking solely from my own experience. Honestly I think she’s being a bit harsh, the only thing I agree with is not telling you about labour. When I was getting induced with my first I let my mum know as they were further away but told them not to tell anyone and that we would message when to come and please no contact until they hear. We however didn’t tell my MIL as she is on her own, would worry and inevitably message my husband to check what’s happening and I needed and wanted him to be present for the birth of our first child. However we did let her know as soon as baby was born and asked her to come meet her grandchild as soon as we got home (I didn’t want any hospital visits from anyone as was going home right away) but my parents and her were the first three to meet our babies each time. Then with each birth after, my parents looked after the GC while I went in but she was included and saw babies within an hr of us coming home so there was no ‘my parents are more important than my husbands’. Naturally tho she will be closer to her own mum. My husband has sisters, none of which have children so I actually feel sad for my MIL for not having that experience so I do try to make sure she feels included but no matter what I do, there is always a difference in feelings toward her and my own mother. The only thing I would say is try to focus on the time you do have with your grandchild and try not worry about what you are doing wrong as it might ruin those memories and times you get with her. I hope it gets better for you tho.

I have a very good relationship with my MIL, I'm pretty sure she would consider me a close friend. But much of what you have written is the same in our relationship.

I ask my mother to do most of the babysitting (my parents just stick to our routine better and makes it easier for us the next day than getting them back tired and hungry). I requested no updates when we went to hospital (love her to bits but she loves the gossip and couldn't be trusted to not spread the word 😅). I didn't tell people the specific due date of baby 2 because I didn't want the constant messaging and questions, so also kept it vague and no if they aren't forthcoming with the date it wouldn't be appropriate to ask.

Ive never been the type to not do overnights but if she isn't comfortable leaving her child overnight you absolutely have to respect that and not judge her for that. In fact I don't know why you are taking that one personally!?

I think step one for you is to stop taking it all so personally. Step two is to look at your son and wonder what he could be doing, it's absolutely not all on your DIL. And step three is to stop worrying about what they are doing with the other set of grandparents and just focus on what you are doing them. No point being upset over something that has nothing to do with you - if they decided to see them less it does not mean they would see you more!

I’m generally siding with this. I know quite a few really lovely women whose DILs treated them like utter shit and made sure to push them out.

Unfortunately, this is what could be happening here.

For those saying I need to speak to my son, I completely see your point and I’ve asked him to call me as he sometimes does on his way to or from work when there’s a bit of a walk to the tube. I guess I didn’t want to stir trouble or feel like I’m complaining or putting pressure on him, so didn’t before. But I see how it’ll be useful and will do it without pressure.

for those asking why him wfh is relevant - it’s because this means they have the time and are able to. Often he will wfh Thursday and Friday so they go for a long weekend to DIL’s parents’ house.

@DiscontinuedModelHusbandthats actually really useful to read from the perspective of a dad in this situation

I don't think the OP posted anything about how their relationship was before the first child. I'd be shocked if it were plan sailing. No one cuts out their ILs from the birth/after when they get along like a house on fire before. If you genuinely want to have a better relationship, have you asked your son how he thinks that you should fix it vs just having him at yours? There is so clearly part of the story missing when just cutting out DIL altogether is the go to move.

I said the same thing. Glad I’m not the only one who didn’t see OP mention it.

I would think if it was smooth sailing, she would have put that in the beginning or later posts.

See it all the time here that once children enter the picture, relationships especially with grandparents change for better or for worse.

Plus, if DIL hadn’t liked OP from the beginning, think OP would have mentioned that too.

There’s a lot of OP assuming based off what her other child told her and I also don’t see a problem with hiring a nanny when OP said they lives 90 minutes away.

A nanny who is local and knows what is expected, highly unlikely to push boundaries, comment or ignore what parents choose to do (not saying OP would, but not uncommon for grandparents to ignore their adult children) likely knows first aid, etc would be preferable to those who can afford it vs someone who lives 90 minutes away and that likely does include traffic.

OP also hasn’t said what reason they think DIL doesn’t likes it at their home. They must have an assumption on the reason if they already have assumptions on other things.

There’s something OP is leaving out.

That is specifically in reference to the DS bringing the child for an overnight stay as the DIL and the child are not used to be separated at night. You carefully excised that part from your quote.

There is nothing to say he cannot visit for the day, as the OP does. There is also nothing to say the DS wishes to do this either.

I’m quite conflicted on this but as a new Mum myself I would like to offer a helpful reply as I see you are getting torn to shreds by some people & I feel like your intentions are coming from a good place.

Firstly I’d love to hear your DILS side. It’s not great that you found out the stuff about her feelings around your comments post her traumatic birth through your other child. This means you don’t have the full context, or know how or when it was said- if it was said shortly after no doubt she was still feeling vulnerable and post partum is a very mentally challenging time. Regardless it’s unlikely she wanted this repeated back to you.

I have a very good relationship with my MIL but after my kid was born I felt irritable towards her for often no real reason. I know lots of women who’ve had the same experience, maybe it’s a primal thing. I certainly said some things to friends about how irritable I felt toward her at times that I would not want repeated back to her because they weren’t particularly fair or kind but I couldn’t help how I felt at the time and needed to vent.

That said, it is really important to me that my kid has a relationship with both sides and I do my best to facilitate that. However, the lion share of this is the responsibility of your son and you seem to be placing all the blame on your DIL. She is obviously going to be closer to her mum and family so it’s up to your son to foster the same with you.

Could you make more effort to nurture a relationship with her? Treat her to something, make extra effort to ask how she is.

Also with the babysitting thing, the bottom line is there’s very few people I’d trust to look after my kid especially during his first year, bar my own mum. My MIL is a fair bit older than her and has some health issues and just wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with my kid for multiple hours. Not saying this is your situation but leaving your kid with anyone is hard so I really would try not to take that so personally. In short, I think the best thing you can do is not put so much of this on your DIL and remember your DS is the one who has the main responsibility to include you. Respect the current boundaries and hopefully with time they may soften.

@C8H10N4O2DIL thinks (and I agree to an extent?) that 3hrs of being in a car per day is quite a lot for a nearly 3yo. Doable but not exactly beneficial to them. She’s said those exact words when they were discussing doing a staycation in the UK, and that’s why she’s said it’s convenient to stay over at her parents’ before too, that she’d never go there and back in a day (again when discussing family plans altogether around the holidays)

’Top grandma’ 🤢

Well MIL is definitely top grandma here because my mum’s dead. Before she died they definitely both had their own ‘top grandma’ aspects. MIL for example would always go to there parks and go on all the rides for example, pretty cool.

I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want as many people to love their children as possible, you don’t know what’s round the corner. Boy am I grateful my dds have MIL. Despite her being hugely different to me and my own mum.

@phoenixrosehere I genuinely do not know what reason there is for not wanting me to stay over. My guess would be liking her own space or just wanting to limit the time we visit for? That would be the most logical thing. On the visits I come with a small gift for the child (book, new Tonies character, that type of thing) and usually a gift for the couple or just her if there’s something to celebrate (flowers for entering third trimester, a small gift for their anniversary, last time I visited I brought over a few frozen meals for their freezer that I know they eat / like in case it’s useful for after the birth) so I wouldn’t say my visits are particularly painful but perhaps she doesn’t like having visitors in general or something I don’t know I’m doing annoys her.

Before kids her and I got on relatively well but it was certainly a different dynamic. She was a girlfriend and they didn’t have children, so naturally things weren’t as “serious” between them. We got on but mostly just had small talk. And coming to think of it, they visited us more than vice versa (for one Christmas, for a family birthday party or just a weekend one summer at ours, I met them for afternoon tea once and dinner a few times where they live). She was very complimentary about my cooking, much chattier etc. But I think during the dating stage people are also trying to create a positive impression on each other and on the parents? They didn’t date for too long though, a couple of years before the pandemic, then we barely saw them in the pandemic and only for outdoor walks midway, then they got married as we were coming out of the pandemic and had a baby 9mo after the wedding. So how I see it, there was a honeymoon stage of trying to show each other the best version, impress the parents, then wedding and baby! Ironically I thought she’s a sweet girl and really encouraged him when he said he was going to propose.

It is. And that misogynist slur has been repeatedly used about a heavily pregnant women who isn't here to defend herself. Anyone using that word needs to take a long look in the mirror.

Fucking disgusting. And a good example of the adage, when you point a finger, three point back at you.

"So how I see it, there was a honeymoon stage of trying to show each other the best version, impress the parents, then wedding and baby!"

How I see it is you were acquaintance, exchanged pleasantries but were never close and just because she has birthed your grandchild you now expect her to be welcoming you with open arms...?

Do you ask (your DS ideally) if you can stay over? Do they have the space for you?

And vice versa, do you invite them over? Do you have space for them?

You don’t sound like a difficult guest from what you’ve written here. She’s very pregnant though and maybe all guests are hard.

I would like to know what the division of labour is with guests. My DH used to just assume the guests turned up and that was it. I had to teach him that there is cleaning to be done, beds to be made, guest towels to get out, meals to plan and shop for, dietary requirements to be accounted for.

Do you think your son would do all the prep for your visits? I would be interested to know the answer because based on my friendships, men generally don’t. It’s a lot to put on to a pregnant woman for a guest who she’s not particularly close to. Maybe she knows he wouldn’t do it and that’s part of the reluctance.

She sounds like a controlling twat

The MILs on here that are loathed were a DIL at an earlier stage. MILs are usually at the disadvantage compared to a woman's mother and her side of the family. It might hurt but there isn't a great deal you can do I'm afraid.

It sounds like the first child is only 3yrs old so there might be opportunities to babysit when they are older and maybe your DIL feels more comfortable. Sometimes it just takes time and offering to babysit feels like you’re pressuring even when you don’t mean to be.

I think your relationship will grow as your grandchildren grow and try to keep your expectations low and be supportive and enjoy the time when you do get a visit. Just to add I hated being babysat by my grandparents so don’t assume that is the only way to build a relationship spending time all together can be as rewarding.

I don’t choose to spend much time with my in-laws as I don’t enjoy it so maybe have that in mind when visits occur. Don’t try to take first visits to zoo or other activities, but maybe offer to arrange outings if you can afford it maybe somewhere between you both so it cuts the driving and might be a lovely activity/memory for you to build relationship with you all.

Good luck and you might find the second child’s birth softens your DIL a little more as juggling two and also more confidence/experience in parenting usually helps.

@Pinkandpurple225533i imagine it’s maybe different if the guests are from her side (?) so i can only speak for how he is during our visits, but with us he does all of the “hosting” in the sense that he’ll make our teas, take our coats, if there’s activities he’s booked them not her, he cooks if we’re there for lunch, he organises the visits, he puts away any gifts or puts the flowers in a vase... As he should - we’re his side of the family. She however does more with GD in that GD will run to mum more (which is quite usual as a SAHM I feel) to wipe her mum after the toilet, provide a snack, help put on a shoe, although my son will also help GD with those things but less so than DIL.