AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

Honestly your relationship with them is fine, you just seem jealous that you are not top Grandma.

As for not updating when in labour, that is perfectly reasonable and no reason why you should feel put out that she wanted that.

As a DIL, I can see that she is quite thoughtless. You’re not her mum, so she’s not interested in including you. And she has enough support from her own mum to not bother appeasing you.

Awful for you, especially when I bet you do want to help with no strings.

But this is where your son needs to step the f up. Where is he?

He is supposed to be an equal and competent parent to DGD. When DIL says don’t take her to see you, his response should be “well come along then, or I’m taking DD by myself”.

You obviously don’t have a good relationship with her/she doesn’t feel comfortable around you/doesn’t like you…so why is any of this surprising? She’s acting exactly as someone who doesn’t trust their MIL would act.

Its absolutely fine for her not to want you updated during labour, and to be a bit pissed off that your main concern was for your son rather than her after a traumatic birth.

You've also asked her why she leaves the baby with a nanny and her mum instead of you, and clearly created an environment where your other child feels comfortable enough to stir up trouble and gossip with you about her. So I dont think you're quite as laid back as youre trying to portray here.

i think you just need to calm down.

you aren’t top grandma. Mum’s mum usually is.

I had a traumatic birth and I’d have been pretty pissed at you asking my dh how he was when I nearly died.

at the end of the day, follow her cues. Don’t push too hard but be available.

Asking about how her son or your husband is doesn't mean she isn't considering what the mother has been through. I'm sure she asked her son how his wife was. When my DD gave birth I also asked my SIL how he was.

Group chat <shudder>

If you're a grandmother you must remember a time when we weren't all constantly available to each other. It made us miss each other. Being ever-present I think is one of the issues with family now.

Once a month is normal for a visit. I wouldn't push overnights.

And did you ask her first about the traumatic birth or straight to asking DS?

It's very normal for a baby's Mum's Mum to be more closely involved. Don't keep score.

The labour thing is weird.
Your ds needs to have a stronger role.

Be nice to dil, tell her she's a great mum, don't keep counting who's had grandchild when and i think the rest will follow.

We didn’t tell any family when we were due to have our c sections, just friends who were local. We just didn’t want the endless ‘hoe are you getting on’ messages.

Focus on your relationship with your son. You won’t annoy DIL if you message him to ask for pictures. I also think it would probably be better to ask how he’s getting on in private, my MIL is a bit like this and it comes across that the woman has to put up with it but the man must be celebrated for anything they do.

I’m sorry you had a traumatic birth, I had one too, but surely you appreciate that it must have been awful for your husband to be a helpless bystander watching his most beloved person potentially at the risk of death?

@SoftLeafRe my son “stepping up” — I think he avoids confrontation entirely. He tends to go with whatever keeps the peace at home, which I do understand. But it means decisions default to what DIL prefers, not necessarily what he wants or what might work for both sides.

@LadyDanburysHatI honestly don’t feel “jealous”, and I’m certainly not trying to be “top Grandma”. I’m not competing with anyone. I just want some relationship with my granddaughter that isn’t limited to one day a month where I pop down, hand over a couple of books, and go home. The huge imbalance in time is what makes it noticeable - they do have the time, I’m just not worth it.
As for the labour, I just can’t understand why my son texting me “my wife is in labour, you’ll be a granny soon” was such a big deal considering I didn’t text her, didn’t disturb or invite myself anywhere.

@BigNovthats the thing, I’m not sure what I’ve done to become so untrustworthy. I’d love to know but don’t want to create drama or be labelled intrusive by asking. And she certainly doesn’t need the drama when heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

@MD2020and10LambertandButlerPleaseAs for the nanny/grandma thing — I didn’t interrogate her. I just offered to babysit at times. Her explanation about the nanny being a paid service was actually very matter-of-fact, not dramatic. I accepted it immediately.
About my other child “stirring up trouble” — it came up because we were talking about general family stuff, the arrival of a new nephew and they mentioned DIL had vented about not liking labour updates the first time. It wasn’t gossiping, just context.
I promise I’m not pretending to be laid back — I am trying to tread carefully. I want to be as honest as possible here because I want advice from kind internet strangers but this isn’t a place where I’d care about people’s opinions and would happily hear if I’m in the wrong and can correct for the sake of my relationship with my GC.

@confusedgranny Stop keeping a tally of visits, but make a point of telling her she’s doing a great job, and that her children are a credit to her.

When I was in labour I didn't want anyone to know and that is perfectly reasonable.

If you want more time with them why don't you ask if you can visit more often.

she sounds extremely controlling and a bitch to be honest.

It sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong.
she's basically trying to phase you out of their lives, then she can complain about how you never bother.
Your son should stand up to her,. can you have a word with him?
And this is coming from someone who really disliked my MIL.

Your son needs to grow a pair of balls. He has picked a fine one there and he sounds weak at best, terrified of her at worst.
I would never treat my MIL like this. She is just as much a GP as my mum is, and I fully understand it is natural for both GP to be excited about when a baby is to be born, or concerned following a difficult delivery and YES, fathers are impacted by seeing the woman they love and the child who is half theirs almost die. They would be heartless if they weren't. My son is 4 but I will 100% be checking in on him, AND his partner, if he is in this situation in 30 years time.

I get why you are hurt OP but this kind of thing is pretty normal. DIL doesn't want the baby away overnight, her own parents are more familiar and relaxing for her to spend lots of time with than her DH's, and she understandably wants to be the main focus of attention during labour, although of course DH might find it really hard too. Just carry on seeing the children as much as is possible, enjoy getting to know them, and things may even out in time.

I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived

So what is it she didn't want, you specifically not told, or just not liking updates in general?

I think it’s fine to ask your son how he is after a traumatic labour. He’s your son. I had a traumatic labour and I remember my MIL saying how proud she was of my DH for getting through it. I think she was fine to say this- he didn’t let me down and was there for our newborn when I couldn’t be!

I don’t think it’s fair that you feel like you are walking on egg shells when you just want a photo of your grandchild.

How is your relationship with your son? DIL might be more willing to let your son come to yours when baby number 2 arrives!!

Your son is the problem not your DIL.

It’s natural for DIL to feel closer and dare I say it more trusting of her own mother.

I don’t see why they can’t come to yours like they go to her mothers? Do you live further away than the other grandma?

@confusedgrannyyeah, it definitely seems like it with your son.

Most people are seeing things from your DIL’s POV.

As I said, I’m a DIL myself and I know MILs can be annoying - at the end of the day, your in laws aren’t your family. But even when I can’t stand to see mine, I let my children go with their dad to see his parents.

I see that as non-negotiable and your DS needs to put his foot down. If you’re waiting around for DIL to want to come before your grandchildren can visit, then it’s never going to happen.

If you’re close, definitely try and speak to him

I don’t think there’s anything wrong or even particularly unusual about DIL’s behaviour but I understand why it’s hurtful if you want to have a closer relationship. I think that you just need to stay the course and hopefully things will become easier as the child grows older.

@MrsTerryPratchett it went like this: my son messaged me, on our WhatsApp chat (not group chat) to say she’s in labour. I replied briefly “how exciting, good luck, hope it goes well”. He then called me almost in tears much later that day to say that it’s done, I am a granny but there were complications and it was incredibly hard to watch his wife in so much pain and have to hear that things were not going smoothly (he was driving home, to collect something or drop off if I remember correctly, she was at the hospital). I didn’t message her directly because I imagine the last thing she needed was me starting a chat with questions after what she’s been through, I just said congratulations, so glad she’s here safely, hope you girls are both doing well and let me know if I can drop off a meal on your doorstep once you get home. The next day I messaged to ask how she’s feeling and she said “all good”, I messaged my son privately on our WhatsApp to ask how he’s doing. I kept most of the communication through him because I imagine that’s the polite thing to do, not to keep bothering a new mum with messages?

Completely agree

OP you sound perfectly reasonable and your DIL sounds like a spoilt brat.

I really feel for you and hope you have other children and other opportunities to enjoy being a grandparent.

Try reading the OP again, slowly. She never said her son was her main concern! She simply asked him how he was, as well as her. Comprehension!

How does your other child know all this information? Are they just meddling?

Also a lot of these issues seem to be things you could take up with your son. Why are you blaming your DIL for everything? Maybe she sees her own parents more because she arranges things with them. They are her parents after all. It’s more on your son to arrange to see you, is it not? Don’t start blaming your DIL because your own son can’t be bothered making any effort.