AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

Wrt pictures, I would be willing to bet that your DS rarely takes any photos of the baby (especially if he has gone back to work) and so even if you ask him to send pictures he will just forward that request straight onto DIL to send new photos that she has taken, which then feels demanding.

We had frequent photo requests from multiple relatives and of course they weren't co-ordinated with each other so it all felt like a constant add-on to my to-do list (making new content, tracking who had had what, sending etc), so we set up a private Facebook page and updated that frequently but at my convenience (whenever there were good photos!) so everyone could get their fix from there. Do you have anything like that?

Yes, this, absolutely.
I just don't understand why that would be problematic?

I couldn't disagree with you more puppymaddness either! We will have to agree to disagree.
Would you say her DH had the right to announce her pregnancy if he felt like it? I hope not.
Yes, absolutely. And if she were to have a miscarriage. I have no idea when or how DH told his parents I'd had a miscarriage or that I was pregnant. Not my business to police his news, and it was hugely his news too, and how he wants to discuss it with his family.
what about to force her to have or refuse an abortion?
Irrelevant. Talking isn't the same as forcing any action. If DH had thought he wanted me to have an abortion and wanted to talk to his friends or family about how he was feeling then fine. That's not the same as trying to police action.

It sounds like you are that type of MIL, always excusing and minimising your DS’s responsibilities and focusing on the DIL.

Unfortunately you’ve either raised a weak, easily-swayed man or perhaps he cares little about his extended family so doesn’t make the effort to include you.

This is similar to my BIL; my MIL blames his evil wife too for preventing him coming to family occasions and maintaining the relationships etc, when it’s absolutely clear that he simply can’t be arsed to do so. Your son is the problem so better refocus on him if you want things to change.

I guess you have two choices really op.

Remain offended, decide to follow the narrative that DIL is to blame and your poor son has decided to take the easy life and go along with her

or.. draw a line over all the past and start anew today. Don’t demand anything. Try and see things from her point of view, remain sensitive to her wishes, be unoffended about everything and place her, in your mind, as the one person who you need to find respect for wholeheartedly.

I think you will lose terribly if you don’t take the second option and some would say you shouldn’t need to do it at all. But I think it would be worth it, as you are very unhappy with things currently.

You think men have the right to announce a woman's pregnancy and miscarriage without her permission?
Wow.

I'm trying to understand how you think you could be baby sitting when you live 1:30h away? That's a 3h round trip. Of course they will pay a local nanny if and when needed. They could visit more but you said you and her parents live about the same distance away, so it's not like they could just pop in for a cuppa to either of you or vice versa. I think that makes it very tricky. One visit a month doesn't seem like a lot but I think it's fine for now.

Wow
I would have loved to have a mother like you, let alone a MIL!
You are kind, thoughtful, sensitive about her wishes, respecting boundaries and most importantly - clearly care about them all a lot. It's really sad to read how she's keeping you away from a grandchild you love and who I'm sure adores you too x

How was your relationship with your DIL before she had children?

In my case I had a very rocky relationship with my MIL pre-children. It pissed me off no end that all of a sudden she wanted a relationship with me once I bread her grandchildren.

Totally fine to ask your son how he was after the birth, but anyone with any decency would have asked after dil first, which you did.

But, sometimes it just works out that one set of grandparents sees more of grandchildren than the other. In my family, it is my dh's parents who see more of our kids as my mum is dead and my dad is both useless with childcare and living overseas. It is what it is really. It doesn't mean you have done anything wrong per se

Ehm, that's very manipulative phrasing.
You could also phrase it like: Do you think a father has the right to discuss the death of his child with his family?

Wonder what the DIL's side of the story is 🤔

Maybe he doesn't want to see his mother and is hiding behind his wife. I have known more than one couple do that with overbearing parents.

Or...

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.”

DIL says something to SIL, who says something to other child, who says something to MIL, who posts on MN...

The chances of that message getting through unscathed are zero. Not a chance that's what DIL actually said. Every single one of those people has an agenda. And tales grow in the telling.

Exactly. Yes I think a man has the right to discuss his future children with his family.

It really doesn't sound as if you have done anything wrong.

I am much closer to my DD than my DiL, both emotionally and geographically. I also see a lot more of one family of grandchildren than the other. My DiL (I think) tries to be inclusive but for various reasons we've never spent much time alone with her child, whereas the other grandparents have. When you visit do you suggest taking your granddaughter out to the park/library/swimming? Either on your own or with your son.

Saying they want to use the nanny they have already paid for sort of makes sense but promoting close family relationships is also important. We have weekly video chats, at a time selected by DS and DiL, and that helps.

This is awful to read op. You sound like you've been very reasonable.
Thr dil sounds absolutely selfish, of course grandparents get informed of births obviously distant relatives can wait a few days.

All you can do is go along with it. She's clearly hypersensitive and your ds sounds a bit wet to allow her to call the shots like this.

I'd just suck up the monthly visits and focus on your other dc. All very sad and disappointing for you though .

Maybe she's the kind of woman who's not a warm, friendly type who embraces having an extended family. It's hard for you, but unless your son steps up, there's nothing you can do I'm afraid. I feel for you, but one day if she has a son, she'll ne a MIL so will find out how it is.

I think you are being very harsh and actually quite nasty. OP tiptoes round DIL yet is still made to feel like a nuisance.
OP your DIL sounds like a right huffy madam, I would have zero time for that.

It sounds as if she's determined to be offended by everything you do and say. She's depriving her children of your love, which I think is incredibly selfish. I'd usually look for things you weren't telling us, but you seem self aware.

I can't believe the people saying that you're jealous that you're not top grandma...ignore them - they sound young or mentally challenged.

You think an announcing his partner had a miscarriage to others without her permission should be more appropriately described as "a father discussing the rights of his child with his family"?!
More and more disturbing..

If a woman has an abortion should we describe it as "murdering a father's child" to avoid being accused of "manipulation"?

I can’t imagine updating anyone while I was in labour.
Not telling people the c section date is very common tbh. I didn’t have a c section, but was induced and I didn’t tell people the date of that. I was stressed about it all (which I imagine your DIL is given you say her first birth was traumatic) and I just didn’t want to tell people.

It’s very common for people to not want their child to spend the night away from them. It’s never been an issue for me personally, but I don’t think it’s weird or pushing you out.

Honestly just the sentence “there’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents” makes you seem unreasonable. I could not bear a grandparent keeping tally of how often they are seen vs other grandparents (in my case, we see my in-laws more often, and I wouldn’t appreciate my mum complaining about it). They go and stay while your son is working, so I think it’s understandable she doesn’t want to stay at your house while your son works. Again, wouldn’t be an issue for me as I love my MIL (and we did stay with them a lot on mat leave while DH was working, and my mum did complain about the unfairness of it thankfully), but I don’t think she’s being weird or unusual here.

'Not telling people the c section date is very common'

'People' yes, grandparents no.

I wonder if your message after she had given birth made her feel upset - you said it’s great the baby is here safely. But nothing about her? Even though you knew it had been very traumatic (did she nearly die?). You asked how her son was but didn’t ask how she was. I think maybe she felt a bit like you were treating her a bit as a vessel for your grandbaby and not thinking about how much pain she had been in. It sounds like she might have quite bad birth trauma and is trying to control this next birth a bit because of that.

Did you ever talk about the birth with her? Did she ever share with you? Or have you maybe said something a bit tactless about it? My inkling is that it all comes back to that first birth.

It’s shitty. But as you can see from your first reply, being nasty to the paternal Grandma for no reason other then spite, jealousy and oneupmanship is considered perfectly acceptable on MN.