AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

Essentially when I write that all down, I feel like my MIL shows she is on my side and sees me as an person, and doesn’t just see me as a facilitator for access to her grandchildren.

This is the best piece of advice on this thread.

£50 says if she had asked the DIL in detail about how the birth had been and how she was now she'd be accused of trampling over DIL's boundaries.

She asked her son privately how he was. That's sod all to do with the DIL.

I think the fact that you’re even open to the idea that you might be unreasonable, demonstrates that you aren’t “that” MIL.

Some of the context you provided sounds a bit clumsy but nothing major. I appreciate that you wanted to check in with your son on how he was feeling, but it could be a bit exasperating for her to hear.

With my first labour I was happy for MIL to know (in fact she drove us to the hospital as she lives closer than my mum) but I didn’t want DH to tell my parents until the baby was born. I have no idea why, I hadn’t considered it before, but in the moment I just strongly felt that I didn’t want them waiting by the phone. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I can also understand why he won’t take their DC to yours overnight if it means being separated from his wife. The first night I spent away from DD was when I was giving birth to DS. There’s not a chance in hell DH would have taken DD away from me overnight if I wasn’t comfortable and happy with it. My feelings come before his mothers.

All of that said, I have a great relationship with MIL and go over and above to ensure she’s included. I do that because she is so important to DH. She is a great mother, and a great Gran. She welcomed me into the family and has always been kind and non-judgmental. Even though I’m certain she loves her son infinitely more than me, she never makes that blatant.

My advice would be to have a private conversation with your son about how you feel. Do not put him in a position where he is asked to upset his wife. Don’t apply guilt. Just ask if there is a way that you could support them more as a family, as you’d love to grow your bond with your DGC. It’s his responsibility to center you in their lives rather than DIL’s.

It doesn't sound like anyone has really done anything wrong to me.
That they see you less is your sons fault, not hers.
Your other child is stirring, you sound overly sensitive and your DS seems a bit of a wet lettuce (either because he lets his wife boss him around, or because he hides behind her rather than make an effort or tell you what he really thinks.

I’m sorry if i missed this but how do you know she was offended by you asking your son how he was after the birth? Did she tell you? From your son? Or from your other child?

I had a crash c section first time around, my DH was absolutely in pieces and I was glad that both my mum and his parents were checking on him. I wonder if something has been lost in translation with this situation.

Yeah this. ^ I am baffled at some of the responses on here, and don't think YABU at all @confusedgranny It's pretty nasty that they're pushing you out like this, and you only see your grandchildren once a month, (whilst the maternal grandma sees them maybe 8-10 times a month?)

And your other 'child' passing gossip about nasty shit they're saying about you (your DIL and her mother) is just fucking weird. Why are they saying this to your other child? How old is this other child? And why are they telling him/her stuff?!

As a few posters have said, your son needs to put a stop to this and pull his wife up on her weird, toxic, controlling behaviour. AND sort out the nasty shit they're saying about you.

Obviously, not wanting you at the birth is OK, and I do hope you asked her if she was OK (as well as asking your son!) But apart from this, this all seems a bit shady, and yes, you ARE being pushed out. As I said though, you need to talk to your son about it.

Makes me glad to be the mother of daughters to be honest! 😬

I very much hope this DIL is not on MN. A woman who might not even know she has a disgruntled MIL, very pregnant with her second child after a traumatic first birth. Being called a madam, bitch, selfish and all sorts.

There is a GransNet. I don't go there but it might be more appropriate for this. Because third hand accounts of mild annoyance turning into a a heavily pregnant woman being called a bitch? Possibly not in the spirit of MUMSnet.

Lots of posters have been very harsh towards you, OP, and taking what you have said at face value, I really feel for your situation. You have a ds problem but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have a DIL problem as well. For whatever reason, she is reluctant to treat you fairly which is a real shame, not only for you but mainly for her children who will miss out on spending time with a person who loves them and is family. You ds is a complete wet fish and I have very little time for men (or women) who quietly toe the line to avoid confrontation. I also think it’s sad that he is making so little effort with you. That must be heartbreaking.

I am a DIL with pre-teen children and I’ll be honest, I found my MIL so difficult to deal with when I was pregnant with my first and for the few years after she was born. She’s lovely and means well, but she’s just too much and very “my way or the wrong way” about how things should be done. I found it wearing and hard work. However, she was my DD’s grandparent, and whilst it felt natural to always go to my mum first, I always made a huge effort to treat them fairly because I didn’t want her sidelined. So if I asked my mum to babysit one day, then I’d give my MIL first refusal next time and vice versa. I didn’t do it for me or my dh, but I did it for my children who benefitted from being surrounded by loving kind grandparents who adore them. And as the kids got older my relationship with my MiL has improved consistently. I used to see her as the enemy but I now absolutely adore her (even though she’s still ALOT at times).

I hope your ds starts doing more to facilitate your relationship with him and your grandchildren.

I hope she is on mn amd she may realise how utterly unreasonable she has been.
Most posters have been totally polite in their summing up of the controlling dils weirdness.

Yes, I agree. Most people have been very polite. There has only been one poster who has used that term and she's been called out.

This book is great and may help you understand everyone’s role in this situation and improve things https://amzn.eu/d/5u2O9oN

You hope a heavily pregnant woman hears she's a 'bitch'? Because of a third hand conversation.

Yeah, she's not the bitch.

It's not needy to want to spend time with your son and grandchild.

She isnt a 'bitch' no. As i said most posters have politely pointed out that the dil is oversensitive and controlling. She needs to know that as the wet dh seems happy to have her call all the shots.

But she is spending time with them. And as many others have commented she is fully blaming her DIL for this, instead of her son.

I hope she IS on here. Maybe she will think twice about her behaviour (and her family's behaviour) and attitude towards the OP. The mother of her childrens father!

I hate this top Grandma being the mum's mum - why should that be the case?
Its just as much our grandchild as theirs.
I know where you are coming from OP, I suspect I will be in the same position soon.
It irks me because if you don't offer the help you are branded as not bothered, but if you do you are seen as overbearing - it seems us MIL's or '2nd grandma's ' cant win.
And why should you not ask how your son is.. he also had a traumatic experience

I feel for you OP, it makes me sad on here when so many people seem to think it's totally normal only seeing their mothers once a month, especially when there is such an imbalance between the 2 sets of in-laws.

I can understand why DIL doesn't want to come and stay with you when your son will be working, I wouldn't want to do that at my in-laws' either. It would be different at my own parents'. But I am not sure why they couldn't see you a little more often/invite you to stay here and there so you could spend a few days with the GC.

Does your other child live nearby to your son and DIL?

The son isnt allowed to take his own dd to see his dm without the controlling wife, who doesn't want to go! So yes the dw is to blame in this scenario.

I hate this top Grandma being the mum's mum - why should that be the case?
Its just as much our grandchild as theirs.

I think it's not actually the case that they're the preferred grandparent, but more that they tend to see the grandchildren more because mothers, especially new first time mothers, (understandably) feel more comfortable with their own parents, potentially in their own childhood home.

You’re placing alot of blame on your DIL and not even thinking about how your son could make more of an effort to see you and involve you in his child’s life. It is not his wife’s responsibility.

That’s not what OP said. DIL doesn’t want to be away overnight from her dc (like many mothers of young children) but that doesn’t stop the son taking the little one over for a daytime visit.

I feel like the DIL is getting a lot of blame that should be put on your son OP.

You want to sleep over, suggest it. Say you can get an hotel for the night, speak to your son.

Digging further, OP do you have anxiety by any chance? You seem to be spiralling and making things bigger than they potentially are.

Mentally challenged? Btw, they are HER children, not the OP's.

OP, I have two boys, my MIL has four. Neither of us have daughters. I love her.

However, one day I had invited her out for lunch and she used it as an opportunity to tell me that my husband didn't call her enough and ask how I would like it if it was my two. So could I have a word?

I told her that if was my two, I would take it up with them and not their partners and if she ever used an invite to lunch with me again to berate me about her relationship with her son, then it would be her last lunch with me.

Stop blaming your DIL.

Also, if I found out that my MIL was gossiping about me with her children, she would never have the opportunity to do it again as I would simply ensure she had nothing to gossip about as she wouldn't see me for dust.

Your relationship with your son is the one thats needs to be mended. Not the one with your DIL.

You have a weak son problem, my dear.
As for most of the comments on here, they are obviously controlling dil nightmares as well.😂
All you can do is be there when they need you, op
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