AIBU to feel hurt and pushed aside by DIL?

[confusedgranny]

I’m genuinely not sure anymore whether I’m being reasonable or “one of THOSE MILs”.

My DIL is pregnant with their 2nd child. Her first birth was very traumatic, and I’ve honestly tried to be sensitive and supportive this time. Despite this I appear to have got it wrong. One small example: I recently found out (through my other child) that during the first birth, DIL didn’t want me updated when labour started and would have preferred to tell me only once the baby had arrived (I didn’t message or try to contact her once during the labour). She also found it offensive when I asked my son how HE was following the traumatic birth. I genuinely thought he might need checking on too, given how shaken he said he felt, but it seems that was taken as ignoring her experience. This time they have a planned C section “for late November”, they know a date but didn’t specify so I didn’t ask. (Should I? Don’t want to be called intrusive).

There’s also the issue of how often they see DIL’s parents. My son can work from home, so they go to her mum and dad’s for days at a time. Meanwhile I get one day visit per month. I travel to them, and I don’t stay overnight because it’s never been offered or suggested. I’ve tried not to take it personally and have never said anything, but it’s hard not to notice the difference.

And when it comes to childcare, it feels even more lopsided. My granddaughter is often left with their nanny or with DIL’s mum but never with me. I’ve been told by DIL because with a nanny “it feels easier” in that it’s a paid service — you pay the nanny and no one owes each other anything at the end. I can understand the logic, but it’s painful to feel that a hired professional is seen as less complicated and more trustworthy than the child’s own grandmother.

And I know (again, through my other child) that DIL is uncomfortable with my son ever taking GD to stay with me overnight because she’s never been away from the child overnight and “it would upset both her and the child.” So I’m left feeling like I’m some sort of risk or stranger, even though I’m her grandmother. My son isn’t allowed to go without her (or he risks upsetting his wife which understandably he doesn’t want to do, esp I ally pregnant) and she doesn’t want to come. They’ve been here 3 times total.

Communication is becoming another minefield. I want to keep the group chat warm and friendly, but I’m increasingly aware that asking for a photo of GD or sending a picture of my garden or something I’m doing seems to irritate her. If I message, I feel annoying; if I don’t, I feel distant. I can’t seem to get it right.

And is there anything I can do to rebuild things when I seem to get everything wrong no matter how careful I try to be?

This is wonderful advice. Reading this I realise I naturally do this with my daughter and her kids and so it’s great to see it written point by point from a daughter in laws point of view. This is exactly the type of MIL I wish to be to my son’s partner. I’ll be striving to do this.

This also. Your daughter needs to wind her neck in. I have to say I feel bad for your DIL, I wouldn't want my MIL breathing down my neck when I was in labour. I also think it is totally reasonable for one set of grandparents to be closer than another, that's just how life works sometimes. It's a bit entitled to be demanding parity.

See this is where it's fucked up. It was all a secret but then when you needed them you were happy to tell them.

Because it's nobody's business apart from her own!!

What was your relationship with DIL and son before any pregnancy? Ie before the traumatic birth etc

Son should 'stand up to' his wife and say what ???

''Why aren't you sending pictures of our child more often?''
''Why aren't you inviting my mother round more often?''
''Why aren't you taking our DC to see her more often?''

Why isn't he doing these things himself?

Im damn sure DIL doesn't expect him to whatsapping her mother !

It's obvious you want to do the right thing OP but can I suggest something

how about you just let all this past stuff go? Why are you dwelling on what she said/ how you upset her with the last birth? It isn't worth thinking about - women post birth can be traumatised, over sensitive etc to things that in calmer times they might not mind.

I think it would be more respectful to her if you just let this stuff go! Accept its how she feels and dont give it any more thought. None of it is aat all a big deal

I didn't want people knowing I was in labour - it really is irrelevant if you think it was okay for him to text, she didn't, just accept it.

Please stop saying your son is conflict avoidant - its basically saying he is hen pecked. he is making choices! and his choice is not to involve you as much as the inlaws - take it as his choice. And work on things with that in mind.

Now -looking forward

with visits - can you be honest about this? I actually think a day a month visit is perrfectly sufficient for a young child

At a good moment can't you just be completely honest with both of them and say you would love to help out more?

I think you are giving far too much thought to too many small details - and i think regarding time with the children, try to hav ea longer view - you can more easily offer to help when they are a bit older.

Rubbish. It's the husband's business too and if he wants to take 10 seconds out of supporting his wife to update his mum that's entirely reasonable. Same as the husband's experience of seeing his wife having a terrible time would have been difficult for him too and it's completely reasonable for his own mum to have asked him how he was as well as her DIL.

It doesn't seem like that at all. I take it you push your MIL out then?

I'm sorry OP I don't really know what much you can do other than keep the lines of communication open with your son and just let them get on with it. It's him that has to make the changes.

How was your relationship BEFORE the pregnancy and before the birth? that would be the start.

It's normal and reasonable for her to be close to her mum, and trying to make it a competition -even in your own private thoughts - is only going to hurt you.

But how were you before? Were you friendly and close, and she suddenly stopped all contact when she gave birth?

Or, most likely, you expected something to change after the baby?

What was your relationship like with DIL pre grandchildren? I wouldn’t expect you to see them more now they have a baby, I would the same or possibly less.

On the point of the nanny. They obviously think the nanny is trustworthy otherwise they wouldn’t enploy her to look after their child. The nanny will also have an established relationship for the child so they are the best person to care for them.

I don't push my MIL out, but she also isn't desperately needy. I do agree with others that the DIL is standoffish, but perhaps it is partly the way the OP acts around her.

But quite literally no one expected to be told. It’s bizarre announcing you are in labour to people imo.

Quite. My friends and sisters, and possibly the neighbours knew when I went in labour, none of my in-laws business!

They can't pick and chose, if you are not close, you don't suddenly become their property because you have a child.

I couldn't disagree with you more. As long as that baby is in that woman's body it's her goddam (personal, medical) business and that's it.

Would you say her DH had the right to announce her pregnancy if he felt like it? I hope not.

what about to force her to have, or to refuse her an abortion?

Women are not birthing objects that everyone gets a beneficial interest in.

Labour/ birth is intensely intimate and can be very traumatic (as it sounds like this DIL's was). the last thing any woman needs is the pressure of anxious extended family members eagerly awaiting a happy baby announcement and wondering what's taking so long.

I'm going against the grain here to say, you've done nothing wrong and the DIL sounds very unpleasant. You are her child's grandmother, I've no idea why she's like this.
I can't see what is wrong with any of the messages you've sent, or asking if your son is ok. I can't understand why people get precious about who knows they're in labour or not, what does it matter?
What was your relationship like before the first baby?

I think it's weird that they haven't told you when her C-section is. I had a traumatic first birth and my husband updated his mum, my mum etc throughout labour as they were understandably worried. My husband had a tough time going through this too and I wouldn't have an issue with his mum checking on him too, she's his mum! I had an elective C-section with my second and I told my mil, mum, family members etc the date. I've no idea why that would be a secret unless they have some superstitious anxiety where they want to wait until the baby has arrived safely before saying anything. Your son does need to step up though. He could be better at staying in contact and visiting you.

Not really, I am on constant whatsapp communications with some very close friends and my sisters - my parents never remember to check the whatsapp groups until we call them 😂

There's no beginning or end to the conversation, we are just in touch. If I go to hospital, I'll tell them, why wouldn't I? They wouldn't have had a live show of the actual birth

Absolutely all of this! It's also really noticeable that the OP isn't responding to any posts that ask why her son isn't stepping up and doing more to keep her informed of how the family is, send photos etc. because they don't fit the "DIL is horrible" narrative.

Of course DIL is closer to her own parents than she is to you - they're her parents. If your son wants you to visit more often, or wants to go and visit you, there's presumably nothing stopping him having that conversation with his wife? You're making lovely excuses for him like he's "avoiding conflict" - what I'm reading between the lines is that he hasn't even attempted to facilitate more of a relationship with your grandchild, so you've decided to blame your DIL for that.

Also, tell your "other child" to wind their neck in and stop gossiping about another member of the family, it's a really ugly behaviour.

I'm sorry OP but whilst DC are that young it is ALWAYS just 100% easier to leave them with a nanny or send them to nursery. My DD has 4 adoring grandparents but when they look after her alone it is such hard work for me in advance, DH and I have stopped saying yes altogether.

Scenario 1 is you drop DC at nursery, say bye.

Scenario 2 is you have to pack bags and lunch and drive DC to grandparents house if you're lucky enough they've invited DC to theirs. We were not and our parents always asked to care for DC at our house which was a bloody nightmare. I had to write down her routine, ideas for activities, pack going out bags and snacks, sort out meals for both of them for the day, one grandparent phoned me once panicking because they couldn't get DC to get into the buggy. DH works from home and he couldn't go downstairs at all during the day because DC would cling to him and get upset. Unless you're offering to do childcare regularly then the child likely doesn't know you well enough to be left alone with you without getting upset.

Why can't DH bring the older one to you for a day or weekend and leave DIL at home?

She sounds like a massive drama queen to be honest. Your son isnt allowed to come and see you without her?. Did I read that correctly?
That is controlling behaviour.
Your poor son

A BITCH! So much for the sisterhood.

To be fair maybe it’s changed. My labours were before WhatsApp was invented 😂

I wish someone had asked my husband how he was doing after he witnessed the chaos and fear in the labour room when it was thought that our baby was going to die in utero and I was rushed into theatre.

It was a year later when I overheard him talking with his BIL about how helpless he'd felt, that I realised just how traumatic it was for him, as well as for me.

While mothers might need to be prioritised, it doesn't mean that fathers don't matter at all. And if their mothers can't ask how they are, that's just ridiculous.

fair enough, I wouldn't have specifically called anyone either 😂