To tell my DS not to ‘snitch’

[Griffalo123]

My DS (9) came home upset from school as a friend of his was angry with him.

My DS found his friend throwing wet tissue onto the ceiling of the school loos, and told a teacher, resulting in the friend getting in trouble (they’d been told to tell a teacher if they saw this happening).

As the friend wasn’t hurting anyone as such (I appreciate it isn’t good for the building/someone has to clear it up) I said perhaps he shouldn’t have told the teacher, and maybe saying to his friend it’s not a good thing to do would’ve been better.

My DH said he did exactly the right thing.

My mother said he should absolutely not have told on his friend.

I know the right thing is to say something, but in reality, what would you have told your child?

Interested in other opinions to see if I was being unreasonable and how to navigate this going forward!

Thanks.

This is a hard one!
My son does this a lot and whilst I have to say ‘stop snitching on your friends’ I also want him to know when things are right and wrong. It’s so tricky as we encourage kids to speak up about things that are wrong but also don’t want them to come across as the one who grasses all the time and has no friends! I try and say if someone does something hurtful to you or someone else then that’s fine but if it’s something that doesn’t involve you (especially when the teacher for example can probably see it happening already) you don’t need to do this!

100% always tell esp if it had been something they had been told to tell a teacher about.

Why would you suggest otherwise! It's just reinforcing lying or not telling the whole truth. At what point do you draw the line of when they should tell and when they shouldnt

Why did he tell though? If it was simply to enjoy seeing his friend get in trouble then you were right to have a word, that is spiteful

Why would you want to undermine the people that you trust to educate your child?

Slightly different and might not even go this way. But my ex used to tell my son jot to snitch and his so called friends started picking on DS but he never told because he thought that you shouldn't snitch. Some kids might take that notion too extreme like my DS and not tell an adult when it's something more serious.

I’m a school cleaner and the amount of toilet paper we have to clean off that’s stuck to the ceiling is nuts 😂

However annoying it is to try and get off it’s not hurting anyone, it’s something that been done by countless of kids for decades and all it takes is a broom and a bit of a scrub.

so no I wouldn’t have grassed if I’d have been your ds either,

However if it’s something like pulling the hand dispensers of the walls, flooding the toilets or shit smeared everywhere then that’s different as that does affect me as it takes me away from cleaning other areas of the school etc.

The teacher told everyone to report a specific misdemeanour. Your son’s friend, presumably knowing this, committed this misdemeanour and was seen by your son who dutifully reported him. He did exactly the right thing. This is sticking up for his community. You should be reinforcing his maturity and responsibility. Moral courage in the face of peer pressure is an admirable quality.

My rule of thumb is: if you're just telling to get someone in trouble, it's snitching, but if someone is hurt or upset, or something is broken or damaged, then telling a grown up is the safe and sensible thing to do. If you're worried about something, or not sure whether to tell or not, then err on the side of telling.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Agree with every word.

WTAF. So you think it’s okay for your son to not have integrity? To lie? To cover for someone who did something wrong? To not learn morals and values? To disrespect other people property? To disrespect his school.

YABVU

My children are autistic so they are very black and white about what is right and what is wrong. They would tell.

In this situation I don't think he did anything wrong.

Being a 'snitch' in a bad way - isn't that more like continually telling on people and for very minor issues as well?

I agree with you OP. Taking the moral high ground at 9 is all well and good until you’re playing on your own at lunchtime because no one likes you anymore.

This is MN though - a very lofty place, so I’m not sure you’ll get much support.

That said, of course something more serious should be reported, and I believe a 9 year old can make the distinction.

you’re teaching your child’s terrible lesson OP.

^

"Don't tell tales" messages can lead to children being afraid to report bullying, or speak up for themselves when wrongly accused.

I've never understood the concept of not snitching. You say that as it didn't affect him he shouldn't have told. Is there an age range for this? i.e.is it ok for a child to keep quiet when they see someone doing something wrong but not an adult? Or should adults also not snitch? If you saw a shop lifter, it's not affecting you so you don't say anything? What if you saw someone being beaten up - it's not you so you shouldn't report it? Rape? Murder?

I think your son did the correct thing.

Honestly, I really appreciate all responses and my DH and I have found it helpful to read them all.

I think it would be a good debate topic for the kids at school, even if just to get them thinking about different points of view, why they do the things they do, and looking deeper into the potential consequences of not telling a teacher/telling.

Depending on the language used, I’ll consider showing my DS the responses.

He should have told the friend to stop if it was bothering him that much. No need to snitch.

Your son was trying to do the right thing. He shouldn't be punished for that.
We don't need more enablers and bystanders in society.

You can see how the friend would be upset though - even though he was doing something naughty. I hope they can make it up.

TBH some of them don't get the difference between minor and major rule infringements until later. I taught a year 7 girl who constantly told me someone was chewing gum in class - in front of them all, when it didn't affect her at all and I could see it too. It caused a lot of bad feeling and she had very few friends poor lass. I tried to explain later (privately) that I could see this myself, that it wasn't affecting her in any way, that in any case she had had to have turned round (she sat at the front) to see this child at the back so she wasn't doing as she was told either, but she really didn't get it. I felt sorry for her, but she didn't do herself any favours - it really did feel as though she liked getting others into trouble.

This is it perfectly.

OP you are effectively saying to your son that in some circumstances it's OK to do the 'wrong' thing, the immoral thing. He's a child, when he's an adult he can work out his own set of values but for now stop giving him mixed messages - tell him he was brave and absolutely right for what he did, because he was.

His friend was doing something wrong and he rightly told the teacher. He wasn’t hurting anyone, except the poor cleaner who will have to tidy it up. Your DS did the right thing.

Your DS was doing the right thing as he had been told to do by his teacher. Why would you discourage that? What happens if in a couple of years he witnesses someone being beat up in the toilets and he thinks I won’t say anything I’ll just stand by and watch because my mum told me that time not to snitch?

Tough one.
Mine went through a snitchy phase in year 7. He'd come home and tell me (in great detail) about minor infringements committed by others which he'd reported to various staff members. He'd also snitch at home too, telling tales about me to his father and vice versa. It did get quite wearisome after a while and he was developing a bit of a reputation at school. I came to the conclusion that if it was fairly minor incident that didn't cause another person any harm then it's usually better to turn a blind eye even if he'd acknowledged that the action was wrong.