To tell my DS not to ‘snitch’

[Griffalo123]

My DS (9) came home upset from school as a friend of his was angry with him.

My DS found his friend throwing wet tissue onto the ceiling of the school loos, and told a teacher, resulting in the friend getting in trouble (they’d been told to tell a teacher if they saw this happening).

As the friend wasn’t hurting anyone as such (I appreciate it isn’t good for the building/someone has to clear it up) I said perhaps he shouldn’t have told the teacher, and maybe saying to his friend it’s not a good thing to do would’ve been better.

My DH said he did exactly the right thing.

My mother said he should absolutely not have told on his friend.

I know the right thing is to say something, but in reality, what would you have told your child?

Interested in other opinions to see if I was being unreasonable and how to navigate this going forward!

Thanks.

Would you be happy if this was the other way around? If a parent had told their child to report something to them and the teacher discouraged the child from doing so? If the teacher told their child that reporting things to his parents was snitching would you feel undermined?

if you want to see where this 'not snitching' code ends up you have only to look at East Enders
I ain't a grass

You’re teaching your kids to sneak and lie. They’re not great kids, but you keep pretending if it makes you feel better so you don’t have to bother to actually parent them.

He did the right thing. I would be telling my son to make better friends.

You can't honestly think an adult drink driving is a comparable thing to a child throwing loo roll on the ceiling. Come on.

Not all children. He might make friends with other children who don't deliberately break the rules in front of him. Being friends with a kid who breaks the rules is stressful when you are a kid who does not. Kids who value rules tend to gravitate towards one another - you don't have to be friends with someone if their behaviour makes you feel conflicted and you don't have to be loyal to friends that drag you into their misbehaviour and blame you for the consequences.

I was a kid who broke the rules and my best friend was not - I know she found it hard to balance loyalty for our friendship with her inherent desire to do the right thing. She would probably have been better off with friends that didn't continually put her in that position, and I'm lucky she never realised that! 😬

You can't honestly think an adult drink driving is a comparable thing to a child throwing loo roll on the ceiling. Come on.

Did you actually read what I was responding to?

I think they need to learn that you don’t drop your friends in it....
AS AN ADULT, there is no way you would drop a friend or colleague in the shit.

@Griffalo123 I think the teacher has been unfair to ask the children to tell on each other. My sons teacher actually gave us the heads up that my son was snitching on other kids not doing as they were told and was actively trying to discourage it because it wasn't his job to police his classmates and it could harm his relationship with his peers.

We had some long talks with my son about the reasons to tell- someone is hurt, upset, something is dangerous or illegal. We made it clear the other things are between the teacher and the child being naughty. It's gotten a lot better now he understands the line.

In this scenario I would have suggested he tells the boy doing it that he thinks he shouldn't be/ that he doesn't like him making a mess of the school like that. But that it is the adults job to police the students not his. It wouldn't meet the criteria for when he needs to tell.

I told my daughter what you said and asked what her opinion is. She scowled, laughed and said we should tell the police that you’re a mean person 🤷‍♀️.
You’ll be glad to know we’ve had a conversation about proportionality 😂.
I’ve also had a word with myself about arguing with nutters on the internet, so I’ll say goodbye for now. Try not to call 999 unless it’s an emergency.

This further proves my point 🤣

It depends if the teacher tells the boy who told him/her that it was him that did it. Which she should not

For those saying 'don't snitch, this isn't important' - I assume you are volunteering at your local school to clean up any 'unimportant' and petty vandalism. Given how stretched school.budgets are, surely it is a waste of money to have to clean up after deliberate mess?

Teachers were forever telling my daughter to stop being a sort of police woman at school. She is on the autistic spectrum to be fair, and had / has a very black and white attitude to wrong doing.

She now works in a nursery and is forever falling out with other members of staff for telling on them.

I think that there is a social skills element to telling on people. The issue here for me would be if your son is black and white too and unable to use discretion, see nuance.

No-one likes people who tell tales. That's a fact. Having said that, sometimes whistle-blowing is the right thing to do. But life is complex. A lot of people on this thread are black and white, but the fact is that life is complex and teaching children to navigate that is not straightforward. In this case, I'd be with you not your husband, because he told tales about something pretty minor. That won't serve him well in life in my view.

When I was in school, someone threw pencils up into the ceiling. Because no one owned up to it, the whole class was put in detention.
Your DS saw someone doing wrong and reported it. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

I always encourage my daughter to speak up when something isn't right because I know she's the kind of child who doesn't want anyone else to get in trouble, even when they are being mean to her.
She heard one of the older kids (her brother or his friends probably,they are at the same school and play together) saying "snitches get stitches" and it made her think she couldn't say anything because it was a bad thing to do.

Their wee brains aren't developed enough to know when it's appropriate to tell and when it's not if you tell them not to "snitch" so they don't speak up when really they should do.

Absolutely agree. I cannot believe you would contemplate telling your child to NOT tell. You should be proud your child did the right thing, not teaching him to lie.

So as a child, I'd have probably told because we all know it's technically the right thing to do. As an adult we have to think about the social implications as well. An example in adult life is if you walk past someone smoking weed: technically it's against the law, but it doesn't directly impact you now, but could if you decide to report them to the police.
Perhaps a good solution for your son would be to praise him for doing as the teacher has asked, but suggest that next time he does it discreetly, so the friend never finds out who told and he is still doing the right thing and allowing the teachers to deal with it.

God I hate the word snitch or grass. Makes people sound about 5.
If pupils have been asked to report wrong doing then they should. School obviously don't think this is a minor issue.

If it’s not dangerous, you don’t tell tales.

It might not be hurting anyone but it’s disrespectful and very telling that now so many people think it’s fine. I work in a school. Behaviour of so many dc is shocking even compared to a few years ago and it’s clear why when parents think this sort of low level stuff is ok and should be got away with, it starts from there

Indeed this. Children aren't in a position to gauge the seriousness.

When does a 'snitch' (horrible word) become a whistle blower ?

I think its a tricky one. I think kids need to be able to balance out the demands of people in charge of them, with their own social standing with their peers.
I would tell my kids that i dont want to hear them telling tales on people, and i would have told my son not to throw toilet paper at the ceilings like that. I would have told him though that sometimes with low level stuff where noone has been hurt or upset, then sometimes you need to decide what to do. I wouldnt have grasssed on my mate, but i wouldnt have hung around him or got involved either.

If the friend had thrown something at another kid, then thats different.

I think it would be a good debate topic for the kids at school, even if just to get them thinking about different points of view

I would be highly surprised for this or similar to ever be discussed in school, as I think they stay pretty on message about absolute obedience and conformity.

I think you don't need to tell your son what the right thing to do was - just talk to him about what happened, how he felt at the time, how he feels now. Ask questions, explore the topic - have the debate yourselves essentially! He will need to make these nuanced decisions for himself, every situation is different, so help him forge his own thought-through moral compass.

There are times in life when it would be right to betray your friend to the authorities, there are times when the rule of law is corrupt. We can't be black and white about these things if we want to be hood people, but it makes for much harder work.

I always said say something but if you feel you cant then tell us and we will tell the school, but someone has to say something

And the 'its ok no one was hurt' is ridiculous