To tell my DS not to ‘snitch’

[Griffalo123]

My DS (9) came home upset from school as a friend of his was angry with him.

My DS found his friend throwing wet tissue onto the ceiling of the school loos, and told a teacher, resulting in the friend getting in trouble (they’d been told to tell a teacher if they saw this happening).

As the friend wasn’t hurting anyone as such (I appreciate it isn’t good for the building/someone has to clear it up) I said perhaps he shouldn’t have told the teacher, and maybe saying to his friend it’s not a good thing to do would’ve been better.

My DH said he did exactly the right thing.

My mother said he should absolutely not have told on his friend.

I know the right thing is to say something, but in reality, what would you have told your child?

Interested in other opinions to see if I was being unreasonable and how to navigate this going forward!

Thanks.

A senior school without a levels, sixth form or college. Never heard of that before but clearly exists where you are.

Ita really not that black and white though is it.
School/growing up is hard enough as it is without being labelled the school grass.
At the end of the day, I care about my child and their experiences growing up more than I care about someone throwing some toilet roll on a ceiling.
Deciding not to tell the teacher in this instance would not lead to a life of crime.
God you lot are dramatic.
And no, I wouldn't report my friend at work for something minor and I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone if they were to report me, either.

In my experience kids who indulge in minor acts of vandalism quite often escalate to bigger acts of vandalism because the kicks they get from the minor acts soon diminish. so flicking wads of wet toilet paper at the ceiling becomes blocking sinks with paper towels and leaving the taps on, or stuffing rolls of toilet paper down the toilet pan and flushing. Actions which have destructive and expensive outcomes and often lead to things like access to vandalised areas been denied to others, or access only allowed at times when the areas can be supervised.

Well done OPs son.

Not where I am btw. But relatives near there

I was taught not to grass on friends, because they're your friends so why would you want to get them in to trouble for something minor??
On the other hand, I ALWAYS stuck up against bullys- even if I were friends with them. Plenty of times I had friends in school that would bully others and I never stood for it. I think that's just in someone's nature. I was known as the kid that didn't stand for that shit, and my friends knew not to try it.
Did they think I'd grass on them for throwing toilet roll though? Not they did not.
Let's give children a bit more credit. They're not thick.

I've worked with kids for over 15 years and the term snitch is usually bandied about just to intimidate and bully other kids. I've actually had two kids in tears this half time because others have called them 'snitches.'

Maybe OP's son doesn't see it as something minor and actually thinks it was pretty shitty behaviour of the friend and thought it was fair he was held accountable.

This
Well put.

Speaking to the perpetrator would have likely resulted in the same outcome for your child. They were in a lose/lose situation. Their only option to not be involved was to do nothing and I wouldn’t want to raise a child who stood by while their friends misbehaved. At 9 it’s throwing tissue on a ceiling, at 19 it’s standing by while they abuse their partner.

Telling a teacher was the right thing.

There's a time and a place for nuance about honesty vs loyalty, but this isn't it.

At this age any ideas of "snitching" or "telling tales" I'd reserve for needlessly escalating issues to teachers which could have been dealt with between yourselves ("miss, miss - Noah said something rude").

Kids doing something they've been told not to do, and have specifically been told to report - totally the right thing to tell teacher. Values of honesty and community are really important.

Out of curiosity (particularly for those on the "you don't snitch" side of the discussion):

If your child came home and said they'd got in trouble for throwing wet loo roll around, and he's upset with the friend who snitched - what's the conversation you're having with you child?

"Hope you enjoyed the punishment, dont be a prat in future.

Yes it is a bit rubbish your friend tattled on you."

Conversation would have gone:

"It's your own fault for throwing the loo roll. I'm ashamed of you behaving like that. Timmy did the right thing in reporting you, it doesn't matter if he's your friend, Miss Smith specifically told the class not to chuck the loo roll yet you stupidly carried on doing it. Timmy's a good friend and I know you're annoyed he told on you, but I hope you would do the same if it was one of your friends. I'm sure you can still be friends."

If the child who did it was a boy I think they probably would carry on being friends with the teller. Much less likely if a girl.

'Well its totally on you for doing it in the first place. Hopefully you've learned your lesson.'

'How sympathetic do you think I am about that?'

They would know exactly how sympathetic I was

And if he’s going on about how cross he is that his friend tattled and he doesn’t want to be his friend…

-do you express no thoughts on the matter?
-encourage him to make up?
-encourage him to keep his distance?
-something else?

Tell him his friend can't be trusted...

The teacher asked them to tell if they saw it happening.
I doubt he was the only one who saw it, if he didn't report it and someone else said 'I saw TissueThrower in the loos throwing tissue, GriffJr was there too' he'd have been in trouble too.

If that’s the approach you take then can you be surprised if “grasses” have the “shit kicked out of them” at secondary school?

Something else

I'm not surprised lol.

Id be seriously disappointed with the teacher.
it’s not the kids job to police their friends and certainly not at 9 yrs old 😖

^That’s probably the kind of thing I’d have said too if one of my DDs had done something like that.

I wouldn’t say this to my DD, but I do think the teacher handled it badly. Firstly by asking children to report each other, which I don’t think was fair. It was always going to lead to problems. Secondly, was it necessary for the culprit to know who had told her?

Having said all that, I do hate the word ‘grass’. It’s a word used by school bullies and also criminals.

Agree. My son has been bullied for being a grass. Its a fine line to walk between doing the right thing and making your own life harder for not much reason at all.

I hope the culprit had to clean it up. Possibly with a side order of picking up litter as well, just to bring home that someone has to clean up the mess.

I would have encouraged my child to tell his friend to stop doing it and told them to try and get their friend to own up to their actions but I couldn’t tell my child not to snitch as ultimately it was the right thing to do.