To tell my DS not to ‘snitch’

[Griffalo123]

My DS (9) came home upset from school as a friend of his was angry with him.

My DS found his friend throwing wet tissue onto the ceiling of the school loos, and told a teacher, resulting in the friend getting in trouble (they’d been told to tell a teacher if they saw this happening).

As the friend wasn’t hurting anyone as such (I appreciate it isn’t good for the building/someone has to clear it up) I said perhaps he shouldn’t have told the teacher, and maybe saying to his friend it’s not a good thing to do would’ve been better.

My DH said he did exactly the right thing.

My mother said he should absolutely not have told on his friend.

I know the right thing is to say something, but in reality, what would you have told your child?

Interested in other opinions to see if I was being unreasonable and how to navigate this going forward!

Thanks.

The child throwing the loo paper on the ceiling is putting his friend in a difficult position. His friend (OP’s son) will be defying the teachers’s instructions if he doesn’t report it and therefore at risk of getting into trouble himself. The type of friend who is happy to get you into trouble, isn’t a real friend. At their age, this is petty stuff but I would be proud that my son was strong enough to know his own mind as it bodes well for the future.

This.

Should we only calls things out when they personally impact us? What if he saw his friend keying your car? What if he witnessed an assault? Should he not say anything to the relevant authorities in those cases because it doesn’t affect him?

Yes it did. She didn't have an EHCP but I did raise it with the SENCO (I only taught her for one subject) and they referred her, but in the meantime the family moved out of the area, so I never knew the outcome. It's difficult isn't it though because whether or not she had autistic traits, the other children wouldn't be aware of any SEND. I tried to explain as best I could and I mentioned it at parents' evening - in a supportive way.

(Edited to add that this was quite a few years ago before it was generally accepted that autism manifests itself differently in girls. I have regularly thought about her over the years and wondered how she got on.)

I wouldn't tell my child not to 'snitch' (horrible term) when they have been instructed to do so by people in a position of trust (from whom I typically want them to take instructions). Equally, I probably wouldn't pat him on the back and say "well done, great job" and leave it at that.

I would talk to him about why his friend could be upset and see what his views are on that. I would probably discuss what he would ideally like his friend to do if the shoe was on the other foot and he had been seen misbehaving. I would ask him if he would be upset if his friend had 'snitched' on him.

Ultimately how receptive your child is to this conversation and how much nuance they can apply will depend on the kid but I think it's important not to outright contradict the school.

I don't think it's good to teach children that protecting friends from consequences or feeling upset is their responsibility. Much better for children to learn that friends who expect them to cover for them may get them into trouble and are best avoided.

I think your DS did the right thing, especially as this is already an issue in the school and the kids have been told not to do it and report it if they see it happening.

If you tell him not to “snitch” on the “little things” how do you expect him to work out what things he should tell on?

Maybe I feel this way because my DS is neurodivergent and doesn’t do grey areas but always needed (and still does need) a set of very clear & specific rules to follow.

My DC follow the rule of if its not hurting anyone physically or mentally, so its just pissing about type stuff, then you never ever snitch on your friends.

There was a little weasle in their school that was always grassing other kids up for really stupid stuff and ill admit I did think "serves you right you little knobhead" when he lost all his friends, DS included, after grassing one up for whispering in class. Seems they all just had enough of him 🤷‍♀️

Oh i am sorry ive just seen one of your other messages op, apologies for my colourful language!

Fwiw if this was a one off for your DS it will all blow over

I used to tell mine to think “Is anyone really hurt or really upset? If yes to one of those then tell. If not, don’t.”

Those of you saying you would tell your child not to snitch, do you often tell your kids to directly disobey their teacher’s explicit instructions?

You can "do the right thing" and be a total snitch/rat.
The two arent mutually exclusive.

Are you always this dramatic?

What has burglary got to do with chucking loo roll on the ceiling as a kid at school?

If an adult friend committed a burglary I would absolutely snitch on them and not be friends with them.

If an adult friend threw a fag end on the floor and ground it out with their heel I'd suggest they put it in a bin instead, but I wouldn't look for the closest policeman to give them a fine.

The world comes in shades of grey I'm afraid.

No.

So it’s just vandalism and making extra work for low paid workers that you give kids free passes for and disobeying a teacher asking your kid to report said issues….

Beautifully, perfectly expressed.

Tbf I wouldnt be so specific if my DC came home saying "miss Smith told us to tell on others if we see them doing xyz, what do?" as to say "disobey miss smith"

Id just say my stance is similar to others - I wouldnt grass a friend up except in certain situations as friends dont often like that sort of thing.

This with bells on .
other children see the tissue on the ceiling and walls and then do it themselves.
Then some poor cleaner has to deal with it , only sometimes it’s not wet with water 🤢. A PFI school will then charge for vandalism costing schools.

In very simple terms, do we think ‘snitching’ is a term invented by goodies or baddies? And who benefits from the word.

I have to deal with snitching and its aftermath on a daily basis and it’s not much fun. Especially when comforting upset children.

There's a level of "snitching" over petty, inconsequential things that are not harmful to people/ the environment and often the act of telling is more disruptive than the offence being snitched. It might be something that a teacher is strategically overlooking or planning a specific time to intervene.

In this case the teacher wants to know who is doing this. It is wasting the school's resources (the toilet paper, the cleaner's time) and it makes the environment less pleasant for everyone. People who mess around in this way often get up to other disruptive behaviours, and toilets are a common location for poor/ anti-social behaviour and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I asked my kids what they’d do

Boy aged 10 said he’d tell them them not to do it but not tell the teacher.

Girl aged 8 said she’d ask the person who did it not to do it again but tell them they need to tell the teacher they did it and they are sorry.

They both had a solid group of friends and are fairly responsible.

Absolutely this!

Your child should be praised for acting correctly.

They’re not at all responsible. They were told to report it, if they do not do so they are not doing the correct and responsible thing.

Hard disagree. These kids both tried to get the right thing to happen themselves by asking the person to stop. They literally took personal responsibility for trying to put things right.

They both sound like great kids.

Incorrect. They didn’t try to do the right thing at all - the right thing was tell the teacher, neither of them did that.