To tell my DS not to ‘snitch’

[Griffalo123]

My DS (9) came home upset from school as a friend of his was angry with him.

My DS found his friend throwing wet tissue onto the ceiling of the school loos, and told a teacher, resulting in the friend getting in trouble (they’d been told to tell a teacher if they saw this happening).

As the friend wasn’t hurting anyone as such (I appreciate it isn’t good for the building/someone has to clear it up) I said perhaps he shouldn’t have told the teacher, and maybe saying to his friend it’s not a good thing to do would’ve been better.

My DH said he did exactly the right thing.

My mother said he should absolutely not have told on his friend.

I know the right thing is to say something, but in reality, what would you have told your child?

Interested in other opinions to see if I was being unreasonable and how to navigate this going forward!

Thanks.

This. When he sees bad or abuse he can’t deal with he now

1. won’t tell you
2. you will tell him it’s ok and to deal with it himself

He is a child the teacher will give him a toolkit.

This wouldn’t be a good debate topic at school at all. The instruction was not to vandalise/mess up the toilets and to tell a teacher if they saw anything. You shouldn’t be encouraging a debate about that. Honestly this is bizarre to me. The line shouldn’t be “did someone get hurt?”. It’s a big mess, wilfully made. If your son’s friend is doing things like that and getting annoyed at him for following a school instruction, I’d be happy to ditch that friendship.

I would explain that when you tell tales on friends they may fall out with you so you have to think about if it’s worth it. If someone was being hurt or in danger then you definitely need to tell but other times you need to decide whether you should or not.

The little girl said she would have told the teacher but apologized to her friend for doing so. After asking her to stop. I'd say, taking responsibility and showing emotional maturity and awareness. She sounds lovely. You sound a bit cross with kids you don't know for some reason. Oh well.

My view is that they are showing emotional intelligence by seeing an alternative possibility.

(It’s also not really happened in our house, I was just interested in a child’s perspective)

We’ve struggled with the boy seeing things in a very black and white way due to being on the spectrum, so I’m glad that we’ve managed to drill some grey into him (finally).

OP - we’ve done some scenario based /role play activities with my eldest to try and get him to think through social scenarios more clearly. Not about snitching - more about social justice (ie when he feels something is unjust in the playground and he has a meltdown). However, my point is that the activity helped to show different POV in non black and white scenarios. Might be helpful to do on this topic 🤷‍♀️

If he told just so he could get someone into trouble that's snitching.
If he told because he thought it was the right thing to do, respect his integrity.

Haven't rtft but I'm assuming the friend didn't find out that it was your ds that told the teacher, even though I think your ds did absolutely the right thing

I did the same at school funnily enough, egged on by another girl who was doing it first. Someone told the teacher & we got a telling off. I wasn't mad at whoever told on us as I knew I shouldn't have been doing it

No, that isn’t what the girl said. The girl said she would tell her friend to tell the teacher.

That is different, and the girl should be the one reporting it.

I’m not cross, but I am disappointed (though not surprised) people are bringing kids up like this.

They’re not showing emotional intelligence. Not even close.

They’re showing a lack of respect for authority, a lack of ability to do the right thing, and also showing that their parents are encouraging sneaking and lying (which they will sorely live to regret).

I think you did the right thing. He needs to know that he should have a loyalty to his friend.

I have to tell my youngest not to tattle tale (is that the right phrase!?) on her friends. She’s only 5, but I think they need to learn that you don’t drop your friends in it.

Who cares if the teacher said to tell on someone? As an adult, there is no way you would drop a friend or colleague in the shit.

I’m on your side.

I think that maybe you should advise your DS that in future he should try to discretely tell the teacher and ask the teacher to be discrete about who reported it which I’m sure any teacher her would do anyway.

We have anonymous whistleblowing methods as adults for a reason. It is difficult to report something if you face relationship issues as a consequence, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.

I don't think very young kids have the confidence to tell their peers not to do something. That's why they say to tell the teacher.
I mean if I was the kid I wouldn't want my mate to get in trouble, but I might want to say something. So I'd probably just say 'someone threw wet tissue in the boys toilets' but say I don't know who. I guess that's probably not a good plan to kind of lie either...

Ah yes, you're right, I apologize.

I agree that kids should be bought up to respect authority, and when mine get in trouble at school I always back the teacher without fail. If you do something wrong, you face the consequences of your actions.

I do think snitching on friends for minor misdemeanors is very much a grey area, and a 10 year old child is ready to start grappling with the social nuances of this situation.

Tell to get someone OUT of trouble, not to get someone IN trouble

Good god, so you teach your children to disrespect their teacher?

I would be very interested to see how your children grow up with that attitude. I suspect not well.

Of course as an adult you report your friend or colleague if they've committed a misdemeanor. Your kind of attitude is how important things get hidden and covered up.

Perhaps you're from a criminal or anti social background, honour amongst thieves and all that shit.

I can't believe you'd call him a snitch! You should be applauding him for his honesty! Honestly what has the world come to. If he'd come and asked you whether to tell or not you could talk both sides through with him - but he had already decided to do the honest thing and then you told him he shouldn't have!

Are you alright?

I’ll stay proud of my children for now in their response to the hypothetical situation I presented to them in the kitchen 😂

Meanwhile, I’ll try my best to stay a law abiding citizen and teach my children right from wrong 🫡

I think it’s a really worrying message to send to kids that they shouldn’t ‘snitch’ for a multitude of reasons.

You’re not trying your best though. You’re failing here, at the first hurdle, to teach your kids right from wrong.

He needs to know that he should have a loyalty to his friend....
I think they need to learn that you don’t drop your friends in it....
As an adult, there is no way you would drop a friend or colleague in the shit.

No way?
So if, for example, you knew that a friend or colleague was going to drive under the influence of drink or drugs you wouldn't report it?
If you knew they were going to do it with their kids in the car, you wouldn't report it?

Yeah…… no they are great kids. We do ok MrsMuffinCakes. If you knew them you’d be rolling your eyes at yourself 😊

The friend sounds like an asshole. They were specifically told not to do something, he did it and then faced the consequences 🤷‍♀️
The whole concept of “snitching” was thought up by people who don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.

You son was right. He did as was asked by the teacher. End of. How ever if you care to look at the bigger picture, schools have limited budgets. Do you know how much toilet roll costs the school? Do you know the cost of the cleaning team, who have a very small window to clean large areas? How about the cost of replacing the tiles when the have brown dirty water stains on them? Because who wants to send their child to a school that is damaged and in disrepair? This can directly effect the resources the school can afford in the classrooms and further enrichment activities. It might seem like a small act of misbehaviour but everything has a butterfly effect. What do they vandalise next when they're bored of paper towels and these been no repercussions of their actions? Look up the broken window or graffiti theory.
You really should praise your son for looking after his environment, Being respectful and responsible. And give him a massive thank you from caretakers, facilities managers and cleaners everywhere!

Yet so many who believe telling the teacher was the absolute right thing to do are very black and white in their thinking. It’s a very complex situation.

Boy tells on friend.
Gets pat on head from teacher.
Friend is told off, possibly receives minor punishment (he wasn’t smashing windows or starting fires now was he?)
All forgotten about in a short time

Except

Boy loses friend
Boy gains reputation for snitching
Distrust in peer group through lack of trust
Possible alienation
Reputation could follow him through school life

because that is how children are.

Loyalty is extremely important within a peer group.