Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

It sounds like you don't trust the grandparents

She’s 4 and your wife doesn’t have a full nights sleep? Do you get up with your DD?

I don't think it sounds like you don't trust the grandparents. In my opinion, boundaries for sleepovers should be set no matter where kids have a sleepover, no matter how much or how little you trust them.

I think the boundaries you'd like to have in place are absolutely fine. They're responsible, sensible, but also not too controlling for your kid or the grandparents.

Sorry but if they were presented to me it would ruin any relationship. You cannot lay down rules on who can come into the house. My dc always combed into my parents bed, not because they wanted grandkids in their bed but because my dc wanted a morning cuddle. (They no longer would get into bed but still like to cuddle as adults!) I do not smoke and 4 year olds shouldn’t be on devices full stop but contactable? They have phones don’t they?

Yes, I would want to set rules and if somebody finds them strange or doesnt want to respect them then the kids don't go.
When I have my nieces and nephews or friends children over, I absolutely always respect any set rules their parents mention.

The issue with some of those rules (like not having strangers and smoking) are that obvious its insulting to mention them.

So your daughter doesn’t sleep through the night, but you wouldn’t let her have a bit of comfort by having a cuddle with her grandparents if she gets upset? You’d want them to keep getting out of their bed to see to her and potentially leave her feeling upset so they can go back to sleep. That seems a bit cruel. Is that what you do with your daughter at night? Our 4yr old often crawls into our bed in the early hours and falls straight to sleep so everyone gets a good rest. Maybe this is why your wife is so tired, or it could be that you’re not helping out.

Why on earth would your 4yr old have unrestricted access to the internet?! Is she some kind of computer genius? That seems a very odd thing to specify, a bit like telling them not to let her play with sharp knives!

“We are happy for you to have our daughter, but don’t think you are able to protect her for pedophiles, despite you bringing your own daughter up in a perfectly safe environment, so here’s a set of rules to make sure you know how to keep her safe, because you are clearly reckless”

… might be how it comes across

Is there any reason why you can’t get up with your DD sometimes to give your wife the chance to get a good night’s sleep?

It does more than imply you don't trust the grandparents. Also like the uncle lives there and you're not sure about him either. You may have very valid concerns, we can't possibly know. Is there a specific worry for you?

Boundaries should be set no matter where your child is staying.

also why is your wife only getting a full nights sleep if your child is out of the house, why aren’t you sharing the burden of night shifts with her?

Your wife is right - it implies you don't trust her parents to keep your child safe.

My parents would swiftly remove the offers for babysitting overnight if my DH was patronising enough to tell them these 'rules'.

You either trust them to look after your child and they use common sense or you don't let them look after your child. If you feel the need to tell them these things....either you don't trust them or there is something happened previously which means they shouldn't look after your child.

Do you help with giving your wife a full nights sleep? just curious but I get why she needs a break!

in general, I’ve just gone with the flow as it’s kind of an unwritten rule to have no random strangers/smoking. These are things that people should just know and I trust my parents to be protective. I do think it screams mistrust a bit and especially the part about sleeping in grandparents beds. Be prepared for people to be insulted by that. I’m wondering on a deeper level why your mind goes there thinking about your daughter….. you shouldn’t leave her with people you even think a tiny bit could be a pedophile.

Your wife does all the night waking, her mum and dad are kindly offering to help and this is what your thoughts are? Get a grip you selfish idiot.

You either trust them or you don't.

Frankly if I were the GP I would ask who do you think you are trying to tell me who I can and can't have in my home. Why should they put their life on hold to do you a favour?

That is quite the list, bullet points and everything, you don't trust your wife's parents get up during the night so your wife can get a decent sleep, then you won't need "your list".

I'm ok with the principle of it ... but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.
Is this your normal tone when asking people to do you a favour?

I would say that most of those would be fairly obvious to my parents/PILs so no I wouldn't give them a list of rules. If I did, I would fully expect them to stop offering to babysit tbh.

The only one we've had to be explicit about is PILs taking a mobile phone when they take DC on trips out. They were a bit of a pain about it initially, but do now.

Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.

Honestly if you think uncle/grandad are a paedo or going to do something inappropriate just don't send her there at all. If you have no actual concerns, it would be massively insulting to present this to them as a 'rule'.

Why isn’t your four year old sleeping through the night?

Why aren’t you offering to ensure your wife gets a good nights sleep rather than having to involve GPs?

Bin it, and look after the kid yourself.
Thanks.

I'd start by setting the most important rule

Every other night you @PrincessLeila8get up when the child/ren wake and therefore YOU give your wife a break

Let's start with this rule, eh? 🙄

As grandparents to five girls, all of whom I’ve looked after, including overnights and holidays, from a very young age, I’d be politely telling you I was unable to help.

I’d be less politely telling my daughter she’d married a controlling pillock, who - since s/he didn’t trust me with their precious child - could start getting up at night to look after her.

GM here . If you tried to dictate who came into my home then you can look after her yourself . I do check my phone now and again but I’m not glued to it . I agree with the smoking , plus she only sleeps with me and I wouldn’t have you tell me about the internet use , I’ve got enough common sense .

Reverse?

This has got to be a joke?

I would be extremely fucking offended if I was looking after a child as a favour to the parents and they presented me with a list of "rules".

You either trust me to look after them or you don't.