Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

I would never leave my child with someone who wouldn’t just know to follow those rules without being asked (except for the other guests but I would have to 100% trust that guests would be equally as trustworthy) .. and no internet full stop for a 4 year old.

I'm a grandmother and my DGD has regular sleepovers at my home. If I were given a set of obvious rules like yours, I would assume they thought me an idiot who needed their guidance.

I mean that sounds great all the snacks and screen time she wants and a wonderful 😴

Also why no sleeping in the bed? My daughters love to wake up early and sneak into their grandparents/auntie’s bed for a cuddle. It wouldn’t cross my mind for this to be inappropriate and it’s a massive red flag that you do.

Yeah this is crazy. My two sleep over at my in-laws regularly and have done since they were babies. And yes they bed share because in an unfamilar sleeping enviroment in brings them comfort; they sleep through which means grandparents sleep through which in turns means they're always happy to have them! My daughter is now six and we've had little conversations around safety and comfort - she knows absolutely nobody needs to see inside her pants unless it's a Dr and even then with mummy or daddy right there with her. We started those chats around 4 and I'd like to think she would be confident sharing anything that made her uncomfortable in that regard. Well, I hope so anyway but short of never letting them go anywhere without me it's all you can do; prepare them and give them confidence.

Perfectly put.

1970's and 80's, yes!

Lot's of questions for OP, or rather the same few questions many times.
But no reply, supercilious and patronising.
Why bother if only looking for agreement?

same. If I presented a list of rules to either my mother or MIL, I would be told to jog on, and rightly so.

Christ you sound so over the top.
They’re her grandparents!! Is anyone in your family a convicted sex offender? Why on earth would she end up sleeping in her uncles bed?? I don’t think sleeping in bed with her grandparents is unreasonable if she wakes in the night etc.

I also think why is your child not sleeping well most nights at 4..??

In our household, son has been staying at grandparents’ overnight since probably one year. For several nights on occasion! I really think unless they have dementia or one of them is actually a sex offender, you are being v v v v unreasonable. You want to protect your daughter but You also need to let your daughter live…

I think whenever you make rules you have to consider what your reaction or consequence is if they are broken.

i.e if your in laws have a friend drop by unexpectedly are you going to ban sleepovers forever?

often the presumed consequence will tell you if the rule is over the top. If the consequence is nominal- why have a rule?

I agree with the others though ….. your implying sexual abuse may occur, if there is a gnat’s tit of a chance of sexual abuse, don’t send her at all. Stopping sleeping in a bed won’t prevent sexual abuse.

My in-laws are the same. We're pretty strict about sugar etc but grandparents get a certain perogative to spoil them; all within reason and all an open secret. The thing is, I know they raised a good, healthy man. Why wouldn't I trust them to do the same with their beloved grandchildren? The internet thing is just baffling and implies the four year old otherwise has unrestricted access?!

You have a 4 year old and need to send them to the grandparents so your wife can get a full nights sleep- your marriage has much bigger problems than trusting the grandparents and you can find out what they are by looking in the mirror.

my kids wake up a lot at night, so for sleepovers at his parents dh would go too, and leave me home alone to have the whole house and bed and night to myself. Why don’t you try that, take your dc to your parents and you stay too?

My GC stays over regularly and has done since she was a baby. My daughter (who works in child protection) has never issued any rules because she trusts us 100% !
Granddaughter often sleeps in my bed because she likes being with Grandma.Grandad sleeps in a different room because of f space not because he is a perv ! Do not smoke indoors and yes friends might call in who all know her.
Can honestly say it has never crossed my mind that this could be an issue.
My adult sons call to see their niece when they can and would be absolutely horrified if they had to be monitored.
Can only assume that the family you are concerned about are a bunch of chain smoking,pervs who are not safe to be by any child .
Maybe take it in turns ,so Mum gets a good nights sleep instead.

The person that does the night time parenting sets the rules for night times. A good way to give your wife a chance to sleep through the night is you getting your own arse in gear and attending to your daughter through the night. Then you can make all the rules you want.

I think one huge angle you haven’t covered is what are YOU doing to ensure your wife gets a decent nights sleep in her own home? Maybe examine your own parenting expectations and practices before you start getting picky with the GPs.

I think having a few boundaries in place when arranging sleepovers is probably a good idea. but the list you've put here does seem a bit mostly unnecessary to me and does imply that you don't trust the grandparents to be sensible??

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there. - Do you not trust the grandparents judgment on people they have in their house??
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times. - Why wouldn't they be contactable?? Just seems unnecessary to mention to me?
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc. - do you mean sleeping in the same bed as the uncle/granddad - or just their bed? As long as the beds are pretty clean I don't see an issue with this
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house - Probably the most sensible boundary you've come up with
• No uncontrolled internet - why on earth would a four year old be on the internet in the first place - let alone unsupervised?

My children (fully grown now) slept at their grandparents form about 9 months old - I never felt the need to give them a list of rules because I trusted them to be sensible. We had discussion about bed time should be at x-time.... please dont give them too many sweets etc etc that sort of thing but I never had the need to tell them not to allow visitors int heir own home

Sounds a bit controlling and very much like you don't trust the grand parents

Sounds a bit controlling and very much like you don't trust the grand parents

So basically you really don't trust the granparents, despite your protestations to the contrary. You suspect they'll blow fag ash all over your kid, let her sleep with her uncle and their house will be like Piccadilly Circus with any Tom Dick or Harry rocking up.

Presumably this is a wind up? I never heard of a small child not being allowed to get in grandparents' beds when scared at night on a sleepover. You obviously don't trust them at all. If it's a genuine post!

In my experience you can set all the rules you like, but people who think they know better won’t follow them. I have had this with cutting up grapes and car seats. One GP is on board and happy to learn about newer safety concepts and then implement (I always give context and evidence). The other is very “we did it this way and our kids were fine”. You can imagine which side I let see my kids more.

I think you should discuss your wishes upfront and if GP is receptive then that’s fine, but if they are dismissive then I think you have your answer about how many of your rules they will follow.

Lighthearted!

We actually say “Gma’s house, Gma’s rules”.

It’s all part of the fun. And their DParents
turn a blind eye because of the levels of laughter and activities. And they are sensible enough to know that there is nothing we would do to harm DGC or expose them to harm.

Not all DGC can have that, if your DD can encourage it, it don’t regulate it.

I just think if I had to set these rules, I wouldn't be sending them.

Uncontrolled internet is a real problem, plenty of people let their kids on you tube without watching them properly and the algorithm just autoplays videos, there’s plenty of violent and sexual content on there masquerading as kids stuff. The people who make it are clearly sick but that’s another conversation.

I feel like both sets of well meaning GPs in my family would think iPad with YouTube was safe enough to allow them a break, no harm intended by them, but they’re not the most digitally fluent. Therefore I think this rule is actually pretty sensible (accompanied by the above explanation)