Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

Sorry the world has gone mad. It's shit like this that means i will never offer to look after any grandchildren i might have. It's just too fraught.
OP, can İ ask are you a middle manager in a corporate setting, by any chance?
So much of bringing up children seems to be more akin to managing a project than actual parenting on MN

Jeez. That would have me deciding not to offer anymore.

What does “if grandparents are around, no smoking” even mean? Surely you’d expect them to be around seeing as how it’s their house and they’re the ones babysitting. Do they even smoke?

Why does your wife not get a full nights sleep? Don’t you help out at all?

Surely it is you/your wife who needs to be contactable at all times, not them? That point really looks like you don’t trust them. You may as well say “when we are at home fretting because we don’t trust you, you better answer the phone when we inevitably call to check up on you.”

Do you have any concerns that these things are likely to happen? Ie are your in laws smokers who smoke in the house? Are there lots of strangers coming and going or staying over night? Does an uncle live at the house who your in laws may allow to bed share with your child? If you suspect any of these might happen then I would not allow your child to stay there anyway. I suspect that presenting these rules may offend your in laws if not. When my mum/ MIL looks after my kids I might let them know what we do at home ie bedtime routine/ dietary preferences etc but I wouldn't feel I had to tell them not to smoke on my children because I know they are more than capable of keeping them safe! I also tend to think that if they are doing me a favour I just let them do whatever works for them (safe in the knowledge they have raised 6 kids between them and an extra episode of Bluey is not the end of the world!)

Come on, this is clearly a wind-up post!

Unless you can drop a couple of those requests or reword them slightly I think it’s best to forget staying at grandparents house.

How about you book a nice hotel room for your DW and stay with your DC? That way she’ll get a full night as well.

or you could visit grandparents (aunts, nieces, friends…) with your DC. Your wife gets to stay home and a full night of hopefully undisturbed sleep!

Once upon a time I would have thought you were unhinged.

My brother is a peado. You never, ever know.

They live among us.

I think you're dead right.

Ban sleepovers all together even with your family.

You either trust them or you don’t. As for internet use etc - she’s 4 years old and should have access to the internet anyway.
I doubt that they’ll have many visitors when they have a 4 year old for the night - but you need to trust that they’ll look after the child whoever is in the house.
I agree that the kid should stay in her own bed, and not sleep with any ‘uncles’ whatever that means but she may get up and come into the grandparents room - why wouldn’t she if she’s scared, up early etc?

Instead I would focus on why your wife has not had a full nights sleep despite the fact that your daughter is 4. If she has sleep issues, work on those first.

completely barmy.

(and if you are that anxious and paranoid, why do you seem to assume days are safer? Paedo are not vampires).

The real issue here is why it’s just your wife not sleeping? what are you doing/ how are you helping?

So if I am having a GC, no one can ever visit - don’t be so ridiculous. So if my next door neighbour comes over to bring a parcel and I invite them in for a 10 min cuppa - thats not okay?? Also I will check my phone but if I am in the garden playing with GC it stays in the house so I am fully focused on the child. You are seriously saying thats not reasonable???

Smoking around a child I agree with - but this is probably indicative of your overall level of ‘control’ at home.

lol was this the 80s? There's a pic of me as a toddler at some festival with a pint of beer in my hand in around 1984 😅

The rules are all super reasonable, but honestly if you even feel you need to direct/dictate to this extent you shouldn't be letting her sleep there to begin with.

You shouldn't trust your child with people you don't trust to keep her safe and act sensibly and safely.

I would call the whole thing off tbh. If your wife isn't getting a full night's sleep, take turns so you both get a proper sleep every other night while addressing the sleeping issues.

The only thing I was prepared to nip in the bud if it happened to come up, was grandparents inviting older (still children) male cousins round to sleep at the same time. That would have been a deal breaker for me, but that's never come up and I've never mentioned it to them.

Rules like that are just unbelievably condescending, if you really think that they would let her sleep with a male uncle or grandparent or smoke around her, or let her watch whatever she likes on the internet unrestricted, then you shouldn't even be sending her.. anyone can agree to your 'rules' and still do what they like anyway.

This.You sound completely pedantic to be honest. These expectations are perfectly reasonable in themselves, anyone with common sense would naturally follow them, but that’s exactly why you should be able to trust the grandparents to do so. Unless there’s a genuine reason not to trust them, they might actually find such a list of rules insulting. My parents would find these laughable but I trust them 100% with my child.

It’s interesting most posters have assumed this is a man posting when I believe it is a woman.

I agree with wording of the ‘rules’ is harsh but to be honest a lot of these are just common sense and certainly our parents when having sleepovers with our children would do these things naturally.

I wouldn’t send my four year old somewhere where I had to specifically tell them not to smoke or let my child on the internet- to me that’s just obvious.

Everything else I would trust my parents and in-laws judgement on. If my little boy wasn’t settling in the night and wanted to get in bed with nanny and/ or grandad I wouldn’t think anything of it. My little boy was at his grandparents two weeks ago and his nan’s friend came over and was playing with him for hours - his grandparents were there too, of course.

So weird! Why an earth would you even think of this you are treating family as (unknown, untrusted staff) do you have mental health issues?

And not being funny but if you break up because you don't pull your weight, you won't have any say at all. So my advice is to pull your finger out and see nights as your job from now on, given that you haven't don't them for 4 years and driven your wife to this point.

And now I'm.waoting for the defensive drip feed about how you work away or you're a night worker or brain surgeon or something that mens you couldn't possibly be expected to lift a finger because despite choosing to have children, you amd your job mean that you are far too important to actually raise them

You sound incredibly controlling. Why would your grandparents need to be contactable at all times when your wife is there?
you cannot police who they have in their home.

you don't seem to trust your wife and that she will keep her child safe their either.

rwd flags galore, stop being controlling and perhaps you help your wife her a good night sleep rather than being entitled control what others do.

All a bit weird TBH. My child stays with my parents and her Dads parents and as we both know them, then I dont need to put rules in place. My child Dads mum (we are divorced) does smoke but doesn't smoke around my DD and never has, so I suppose if this wast happening we would have said. The grandparents are actually doing you a favour looking after the kids, piss them off unnecessarily that may stop! I dont think you can say who can and cant go in their house - do you not trust them to safeguard your children? If so they shouldnt be going because if they cant do those simple things then rules arent going to help. Some of my happiest chidlhood memories are sitting in my nana's double bed with her, watching tele that I wasnt allowed to watch at home ( the price is right and Eastenders!) eating crisp sandwiches and big bars of dairy milk. With your rules that wouldnt have happened.

This totally reads male performative nonsense to me.

Maybe it would be better to let your wife go for a sleepover with her parents while you stay home with your daughter.

I find posts like this so weird, and quite sad. Unless there is something you're not telling us, why do you need rules like this? Don't you trust them? My parents love my kids like their own, and they were perfectly capable of having them for sleepovers (from much younger than four years' old). Smoking yes, I get, but mine don't smoke...