Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

I feel like my parents are an extension of me. My values have come from what they engrained in me. I am a product of them. I would be hurt and disturbed if my DH put in these rules. They’re your family FFS.

This, if you've concerns over these basics then either you're being overly cautious or I wouldn't let them stay.

Me and DH wouldn't let our kids sleep at his parents house because we know we'd need to say things that are blinding obvious to feel safe for them to stay, which means we don't. However at my parents we know that they'd do all these things very naturally anyway (except for kids in grandparents beds, that's a hard one to police as it's normally the kid climbing in in the morning for a snuggle).

Why would you want your child to stay in a house that's full of smokers, strangers and people you think would make questionable decisions around a child's sleeping arrangements...

Your first rule seems ridiculous to me. Why can’t she meet new people? Not be left alone with them, obviously, but do you demand to see the DBS checks of all your friends and neighbours?

"No sleeping in uncle's/grandad's bed" is enormously insulting. It can’t be interpreted in any way other than that you suspect them of being paedophiles.

The rest of your rules seem reasonable in themselves but it would be patronising and insulting to give them as rules, though no harm in saying "Please don’t smoke in front of her". If they’re not following that you’d be able to smell the smoke on her clothes.

If I was your DM or MIL and you said something like "I don’t suppose you have internet controls but I’m sure you’ll check whatever she sees" I’d be fine with it, but if you gave me that list of your rules I’d be very tempted to tell you where you could stick them (and I wouldn't feel like doing any babysitting for you).

I think you either trust them to parent in your absence or you don't. You're not paying them for childcare and I don't think you're entitled to present them with a list of rules like this. Sleeping in my mum's bed is still one of DD's favourite things to do, aged 6, by the way...

7 pages, no sign of OP. I wonder why?

Echoing pps, you either trust them or you don't. You can't lay down rules like this. I wouldn't send my dds to dps dad because he's irresponsible but I would let my nan and grandad look after them. You have to make a judgment call and it's a yes or a no, not a 'yes, but'.

TBF I wouldn't even entertain the idea if there was a risk of smoking around DD, or that she'd sleep in an uncles bed (wtf)

Mine didn’t sleep through until nearly 7 (ADHD) I don’t know why people are focusing on this so much, it isn’t the point of the thread. Just accept that not everyone is lucky enough to have DC that sleep!

You sound very controlling to me. I have had my granddaughter's overnight for years, since they were babies. I brought up my own children, so I don't need instructions. Your wife should be able to let her own parents look after their grandchildren overnight without all this fuss.

Get your lazy arse out of bed and help look after d at night, let your w sleep.

DS has slept over at his Granny‘s from time to time since age 2. She does some things differently to me, but there’s nothing that would put DS in danger. Once he outgrew his travel cot, they spent 2-3 years sharing a double bed and he now has his own room. He also climbs/climbed into her bed, but he is a cuddly child and they have a close relationship. If he didn’t want to cuddle her she would accept that.

Beyond grandparents (he‘s done club sleepovers from age 6), I‘ve given him ground rules: respect others‘ right to sleep. Do not show anyone your private parts even if they ask or dare you. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, or you feel under pressure for any reason, speak to a leader or me. And the leaders can phone me at any time if you need me. Then, open communication about the sleepover.

I‘d rather give him the tools to stay safe than rely on others to follow rules that may or may not help.

FWIW, club leaders are known to me, are DBS checked and ban internet devices for the whole club sleepover.

I totally understand that, and posters could provide support if this wider context was provided.

Wtf do you mean about fumes in the house?

I mean, do they smoke and is there an Uncle in the house your DC might end up in bed with? I wouldn’t allow those things around/with my DC but I wouldn’t let them sleepover anyway if that was a possibility.

If you have any concerns that any of those things will happen then I wouldn’t let them self over.

Oh for god sake, pay for a babysitter like the majority of people do if you choose to be so picky and offensive.

Guaranteed if you say that nonsense to the grandparents, they will never offer sleepovers again and quite rightly so.

Also, why would a 4 year old have uncontrolled internet in the first place?

You either trust the gp or you don't. Do you generally find they make poor safety decisions?

But mainly, why on earth aren't you pulling your weight with the night waking!

Your rules do sound like you are worried that you might be sending your daughter into a nest of pedophiles. I'd find that implication really offensive if I were the grandparents.

Perhaps if you phrased it differently like,
'We'd love you to have dd for the night. We're trying to set down a few ground rules at home and it would be great if you could support us in that. We're making her sleep in her own bed at home and don't want her to get out of that habit so need you to make sure she sleeps in her own bed while there. We also have strict rules about her not using any devices that can access the internet.
She's really excited about going to stay with you, but any visitor to the house might throw her and she'll probably want to come home. Do you think it's likely someone might pop in as if that's the case, we might leave it for another night? Thanks so much for the offer; we couldn't appreciate it more! It's so lovely that (insert daughter's name) has such kind and doting grandparents.'

I've never given rules or been given rules when I've has other DC sleep over. I think it's a pretty shitty thing to do, if someone felt they needed to give me rules like that I'd think it's best they don't leave their DC with me as they clearly can't trust my judgement.

If your daughter has spent time alone with her grandparents surely most of those 'rules' are already being observed because they're just common sense. If she hasn't spent time alone with them, do that before she stays overnight. Your list is rude and condescending. Grandparents want some advice about the normal bedtime routine, that's all.

But, why are you not getting up in the night when your DD wakes? To give your wife a break you could go and stay at the grandparents with your DD, help everyone settle. Or wife has a night away and you step up.

Most of that sounds like common sense to me. But if my DIL or DS gave me a list of 'rules' to follow when I was giving up my time to look after their DCs (which I do a lot of btw) then I'd be having a chat!

I can picture saying to my sister: you're not allowed to visit mum and dad, and your husband mustn't come within 500m when they have my kids overnight because I think your husband is a potential paedo.

That would go down so well 😂

OP not been back? Hmm.

I know that if my DC had full access to electronics and knew they could get up and wander out of their bed then they would just not sleep, and would exhaust and probably annoy their grandparents with galloping about the house when they should be asleep.

If you are wanting to make sure your DC sleeps, present the "rules" in that way. As in "DC will take the absolute mick if thwy have access to the internet and know they can go in with you at night, so just to give you a chance at sleeping, the kid srays in their own bed on their own and electronics/whatever are a no-no. You'll thank me in the morning."
The grandparents may well ignore the rules anyway.

If you are concerned about abuse, then no sleepovers.

This! I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents when I was young as mum was on her own and worked full time. My aunty still lived with my grandparents (she is a lot younger than my mum!) and most nights I stayed there I either slept in her bed or with my gran and grandad. I just didn't used to like sleeping alone!

Funnily enough my mum trusted her own parents (who had loved and cared for her and her siblings) to look after me.