Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.

Do you really need to tell them this? If they think this is acceptable, you shouldn't be letting your daughter anywhere near them.

Oh wind your bloody neck in and start getting up in the night with your child!

GM here with young GC sleeping over occasionally. I already know what ‘rules’ their parents have in terms of sugar, screen time, bedtime because I can see what they do when they’re all here and I stick to them with the exception of perhaps baking and eating chocolate biscuits, which is an open secret. If you think that your parents can’t be similarly trusted without a laminated sheet of instructions then that’s quite sad.

This 100%. It just seems like new parents are so neurotic and entitled nowadays.

They raised your wife well enough - let them do the same wonderful job with your DC.

I often have my GC for sleepovers, ages 2/6/8. I have never been given any rules, why should I.

All the ones you list, I’m sorry but if they are part of your DD life they are standard anyway, who smokes around children? None of us smoke but I assume it’s something you have in place of they do ? Do sleeping in others beds, well the uncles bit isn’t relevant to me, but they often come in my bed in the morning for a cuddle, does a cuddle with nana cause a problem just because I’m in a nighty. No screens - we’re to busy for screens unless it’s movie night is that allowed.

they only “rule’ but it’s really advised they don’t really care because it’s my problem if I flaunt it is —— watch the sugar intake after 5pm if I want them to go to bed.

you need to learn to trust your in laws, what happens when they want/need to take them out. We often take them out for a walk to the park/shops.

You shouldn’t bundle a 4yo off to the house of people you dislike, distrust, and think are paedophiles who will let her use the internet and blow smoke in her face and expose her to untrustworthy strangers just so you don’t have to get up in the night. If your 4yo isn’t sleeping through and isn’t allowed to be in another adults bed then she can’t stay away overnight.

Good lord! Here’s a list for you!!

a) What have YOU done to enable your wife to get a good nights sleep?

b) Why is your 4-year old not sleeping through?

c) Just who the fuck writes a list like that, dictating ‘rules’ on who can visit someone else’s home??? 🤯

d) Have you seen a therapist about your issues…because Jesus, you have a few!?!

Yeah this was my first thought.

I would assume kids don’t get into bed with grandparents?! Do you think they will? The internet isn’t something you can say- they’ll be minding your child and all of that is up to them, most of the other stuff you’d assume they know how to keep kids safe, if you have worries talk to her about them, you’re meant to be a couple

Why don’t you let your wife have a good night’s sleep as you clearly don’t trust the grandparents? Or better still she stays at her parents while you stay home and look after your own kid for a few days.

I think YANBU but I wouldn't need to put any of those rules in because none of those things would take place in my parent's house.

Well perhaps visitors but that's unlikely and it would be family members are people close enough to consider family. They wouldn't be staying overnight, there wouldn't be more than one or two and they wouldn't be alone with my DC. There certainly would be no smoking or bed sharing.

I think if it's the kind of house with people coming and going, smoking, bed sharing... I just wouldn't allow sleepovers without you there. I'd make up an excuse but I wouldn't allow it.

that's quite offensive. If you don't trust them, you don't trust them and that's the issue. Why don't you spend the night with the child, and let your wife have a full nights sleep? At 4 years, you'd think a child would sleep most nights unless unwell.

From a safeguarding point of view those are completely reasonable expectations. I would not let anyone who needed these explained as ‘rules’ look after my child unsupervised.

You can have whatever rules you like in your own house. You absolutely can't dictate any rules in someone else's house.

You can get help for your anxiety.

I don't think there's any point in insisting on those rules.

Either the grandparents are sensible and trustworthy, in which case they will have your DD's best interests at heart anyway.
or they are not sensible and trustworthy, in which case you shouldn't be letting them babysit and they will not follow any ground rules your set.

(And for the posters telling OP to get up with his child, if I was the mum here, I would still be disturbed from having a good night's sleep as my child crying out/getting up would wake me. It's not the getting up that would be the problem).

I think this sounds over the top tbh. Either you're happy for your nan in laws to care for her properly or you don't. What is it specifically you're afraid of? If you don't trust grandad/uncle then don't leave your child there. Ever.

Also, your child shouldn't be on the internet at all, so specifying 'not unlimited' is a strange one

You could arrange to sleepover too, with your child, give your wife the opportunity to have a good nights sleep in her own bed. You could make it a regular ‘adventure’ for you and your child. Doesn’t need to be with her grandparents.

Or book your wife into a hotel for some R&R, depends what’s she’s into though, might not be her thing.

I think your rules are likely to cause offence, by implication.

I used to have breakfast picnics in my GP bed, my dc did the same. If my dc were sad or needed comfort I would expect them to be able to be in GP bed but I trust them. They are not your dc parents so should be able to loosen the rules and have fun. Please get up in the night for your dc to support your DW.

I voted YABU Im afraid.Surely there has been some level of trust however small?You make it sound like she will be staying with Americas Most Wanted! If you are very unhappy then you can say No of course .I loved staying with my DGP though ,and have happy memories of it in the 60s .Does she like going to DGP and have a nice time there .

Actual footage of Grandma

I am a DGP of two lovely DGC, DH and
I have regular sleepovers, which are fun and very special times. There are no rules. We are
responsible adults that brought up our children.

We do not smoke, we do not have the children sleeping in our beds. If your DC need to sleep in adults beds maybe they are not ready for sleepovers.

I grew up in a household where my DGM was a very important person in mine and my siblings upbringing and my DH and I have a very close and loving relationship with our DGC. They don’t sleepover just to give parents space, they sleepover because they want to.

And extra sweets, treats, late movie nights and a little longer, supervised on the internet, no
SM, does them no harm.

I feel there should be some 'rules'

What’s the difference between rules and ‘rules’? Either you mean them or not. Putting inverted commas around the word doesn’t make it all a bit more cosy or less dictatorial.

I think you’re getting a really hard time here completely unnecessarily @PrincessLeila8 tbh!

I agree with all your rules in theory. But personally, we just don’t do sleepovers.

Statistically children are more likely to be harmed by a family member. I guarantee there is a huge number of people who’s whole world has been turned upside down because a family member has been found to be guilty of horrendous things that they never would have believed them capable of. Shouldn’t we always be extra cautious with our kids?

My MIL wouldn’t think anything of handing my (just turned) 5yo a tablet with unrestricted YouTube or something to keep him entertained. She’s completely naive to the realities of what there is on the internet and would just see it as “funny videos”. She’s also not a great judge (IMO) of what is acceptable and what isn’t - eg, she had been dating a man (Stephen) for a few months when she turned up to a planned dinner out with us and brought him along to meet us. All fine. But then during the meal my then 4yo needed the loo and I got up to take him and she says “no no, sit down and finish your meal - Stephen will happily take him, he’s finished”.
Yes, she likes and clearly trusts him, but he’s a stranger to me and to my child. He should not be accompanying him to the toilet.
She would never intend to do any harm but I do believe she’s quite naive to the realities of things these days and wouldn’t always make the safest choice.

I'm a nana, the only one of your rules I would follow is the smoking, as to the rest, are your in-laws incapable of rational thought?

When we have our grandson we change our habits, ie, we sleep naked, but not if we have grandson, it would be inappropriate, (and yes, when he was little he loved getting into our bed, dh would leave for the spare room if it was in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning we would play games, including 'move up grandad' where DGS and I would shove grandad until he 'fell' out of bed, hilarious to a toddler) we regulate screen time because we are doing other things, etc.

OP, you need to get a grip, if you carry on being so uptight you will spoil what is a very important relationship for your child, we love our grandson beyond words and he in return, loves us dearly, he knows that he has a family of people who love and care for him, who have fun with him and will always be there for him. Don't ruin it!