Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

OP I don't think YABU. You don't always know that somebody is a predator and when it is revealed that somebody is a predator people are fucking stupid and have their heads up their own arses too much to prioritise a child. I found out a few years ago that a family member who was living with my PIL had been charged with downloading multiple (and some horrific) indecent images. Luckily my in laws didn't babysit my dd so he was never alone with her. However the stupidity and selfishness of my in laws was mindblowing and eye opening. They didn't tell us for months. They allowed my dd and my nieces to run around the house with only nappies on knowing full well that he was a risk. Niece's parents knew all about the charges by this point, we were oblivious. Drugs were also found in his bedroom too. They all hate me now because I dared to express anger about this. They dismissed and downplayed the dispicable things this family member did until it was all over the newspapers and they had no choice but to admit what a scumbag he is. I've lost all trust and all respect for my in laws after this. The moral of this story is that people are fucking idiots. You need to safeguard and set boundaries for your children

That's really awful and I'm sorry you went through that.

But seriously, how do you think any "rules" would have prevented that? Abusers know how to do what they do without being caught.

Your wife is the one up all night and you're also trying to control the grandparents/her parents.

You sound abusive.

This is a massive red flag.

When it comes to sleepovers, rules are the wrong starting point. The right starting point is trust ie do I as a parent trust this person go look after my child?

My DD slept at the house of my closest friend's mother when she was under a year old. I had known her since I was 16, she had nine grandchildren, my DD had seen her frequently since the day she was born. My trust in her was absolute. Conversely, a young member of my team at work offered to look after my DD for an afternoon when I had an unexpected work commitment. I felt uneasy, for no particular reason, so politely declined. No lists and no rules involved on either occasion.

Please do not give those rules to your MiL, OP. You will cause severe damage to the family dynamic and risk denying your DD a strong relationship with her granny.

If you said this to my wife and I as grandparents then your relationship with us would be permanently damaged and we would have nothing ever to do with you again.

It's pretty damn offensive what you've outlined there. If there's a trust or concern already then the topic of whether the little one can have have stay overs shouldn't be on the table anyhow.

Why has your wife not had a decent night’s sleep since your daughter was born? Unless you have spent the last four years on a nuclear sub you should be sharing the night shift.

This is spot on:
@IdaGlossop
When it comes to sleepovers, rules are the wrong starting point. The right starting point is trust ie do I as a parent trust this person go look after my child?

I would be quickly falling out with you if you suggested these rules. Im a grandparent and my granddaughter proudly tells everyone when she sleeps at nannies house there are 'no grown ups' grandparents are offering fun alternatives to rules at home not selling them to slavery or teaching them the intricacies of rolling cigarettes. You come across as a controlling arse and i dont blame your wife. The worst that happens at nannies house is she eats desert before dinner or we stay up later than bed time eating popcorn IN MY BED. She has made it to the grand age of 8 3/4 without rules for her daddy. As my granddaughter would say chill out daddio nanny is childesh not stupid

I don't find it unreasonable at all, alot of parents would be surprised how uncommon common sense actually is. I've had to cut out certain family members because they weren't putting the kids needs or safety first. Word of caution though, the approach is very important as you want the situation to benefit everyone so dictating what you expect is a huge no no. Suggesting however in order to see the grandparents response would be more productive. I think the only rule I'd be careful about is the one regarding who comes round the house, that's not really something that can be controlled by anybody. For those having a go about the child not being allowed in an adults bed I think that's a fair rule. At 4 years old it shouldn't be happening anyway. Rules regarding bedtime need to be respected otherwise it's undermining the parents.

Gosh my Dad provided childcare for me and my siblings children as my DM worked and he retired. On sleepovers they often slept in his bed. Luckily he was just a very loving and decent Grandad who adored his GC not a paedo. When he died all the Grandchildren were devastated. I would say if you need those rules then you don’t trust your child in their care.

How sad that you’ve experienced this, I never have thank goodness.

If I am honest with you, if you have that many rules and caveats, it is best to refuse the sleepovers,

If I am honest with you, if you have that many rules and caveats, its best to decline the sleepovers. It sounds like they would cause you too much stress trying to second guess what is happening in your absence,

You sound like a pain to deal with. You would swear you were doing them a favour by asking them to mind the child not the other way around.

My granddaughters will get into bed with me if they wake up. Because of this my husband sleeps in another bedroom.
I would not have anyone tell me who to have in my house but of my own accord would not have people staying overnight.
A 4 year old child should never be on the internet.
no one is allowed to smoke in my house.
however I would be mightily offended if anyone thought I was not capable of looking after my grandchildren. You sound like a complete control freak and probably I lazy. What do mean that your wife has never had a nights undisturbed sleep? What are you doing on a regular basis to help her?

You are coming across as very controlling and that you don't trust them at all, Id be mortified if DH did this.

DD stays with both sets of grandparents because I trust them to keep her safe for 24 hours.

DD normally sleeps in the same bed as both Nannies as its just easier for them (other grandparent snores) and its a treat for her. She also has a "secret" glass of cola/chocolate milk when she's there too - oh the horror...

I think you should probably take a turn getting up in the night rather than insulting them and embarrassing your wife.

What's this BS?
AI generated?

Well honestly!!!
Your poor wife!, poor Grandparents - if they can't use their common sense and take in your dc without those patronising bounderies what hope have they of having a lovely trusting relationship with your dc.
We have been looking after our 2 gc for years, now age 8 and 10 but our sleepovers are special with them.
Lots of cuddles when they were little. Movie nights. , popcorn, No phones! What 4 year old has a phone for goodness sake!!!
Think long and hard and stop being a prick.!

Totally OTT. Ridiculous in fact.

and why are you not taking turns to get up n the night?

Wow - you have a cheek. Without any reason for such a Draconian set of rules for grandparents you are really setting out to ruin their relationship with their grandchild and your wife.. I had a wonderful time at my grandparents pub as a child. My son had a fabulous relationship with my parents - they took him to Disneyland, Florida twice - without me. I had no problem, they would have died for him. The same as I would for my two grandchildren. You have a control problem. Look at yourself and your behaviour before you try to control your in-laws.

You might hope all those things would happen naturally, I don't know about having them as some sort of contract.

I would obviously ask for 24hr contact details.
And maybe every time I would ask if anyone else is staying, more because of sleeping arrangements, as in does she get her usual room (so she will sleep) is she causing someone else to sleep on the floor, rather than any risk. If people were having to double up because of her I would probably cancel.
Smoking surely you know if they smoke?
A bit young to worry about internet!

We regularly have youngest DGCs overnight by request of the parents who have full on jobs. They know we don't smoke or drink. We don't have creepy uncles. They even sometimes play in the garden with the little girl next door and shock horror have been in her house (with us). They crawl into our bed at silly o clock in the morning and I do let them watch cbeebies on my ipad. DGF gets out of bed when they come in just to get an extra hours kip somewhere else. We've never had a list of rules and yes, we would be offended. We’re not stupid and have the best interest of the kids at heart. The parents are just so grateful they don't care if they watch a bit of telly in the morning.

I'm sure the op will not be back. Wonder why the wife can't get a good night's sleep.

Not back to Mumsnet, ever. Ill-mannered as well as controlling.

If you dont trust them say no. If you do then just leave it and let everyone enjoy themselves and your wife can have a rest. Your boundaries will spoil things.
But if you do genuinely fear for her safety she shouldn't be there without you.

Some of the rules seem a bit controlling. What’s the problem with them having visitors? When my kids slept over at grandparents I trusted them and their judgement fully.