Sleepovers at Grandparents

[PrincessLeila8]

Hello all,
My wife wants to get our four year old daughter to do sleepovers at her grandparents. I'm ok with the principle of it, more because it give my wife a chance to sleep throughout the night, but I feel there should be some 'rules' surrounding any sleepover.... even if only at grandparents. Raising the topic is sensitive for her as I think it implies I dont trust her family (which I do), but I feel there should still be some mutual framework around it. AIBU or should I just shut up and go along with the flow.

My ideas on rules we would need for sleepover nights:

• An understanding that strictly no visitors on those nights. It’s only immediate family whom we know there.
• Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times.
• Not sleeping in uncles, granddads bed etc.
• If grandparents are around - strictly no smoking/fumes in house
• No uncontrolled internet

Am I the only one trying to put down rules for something like this (my wife's view)? or does everyone just go with the flow?

Also, are there any angles or rules you think I may have missed?

Thanks

I think you need to tread carefully. I'm not a grandparent but have hosted sleepovers. I'd be pretty pissed off if you tried to tell me who could and couldn't visit my house. Often the reason the kids are here is because I'm doing it as childcare and being here means my life can partially carry on while doing so i.e doing domestic chores of my own in the evening when they are in bed, or in the morning with their help (or maybe you think making the 4 yo "help" with housework is also a no-no).

Either your trust them. Or you don't. You can't micromanage.

I had loads of sleepovers with my grandparents as a kid and had a lovely strong bond with both sets which existed well into my thirties. It's a good relationship to nurture.

Exactly this! I have a child similar age who sleeps over at my ILs. They see our 'rules' and respect them. At home I am fairly strict with additives/sugar etc but I don't mind if they are dropped at grandparents a bit (what are grandparents for if you can't get a cheeky extra chocolate 😅). I wouldn't dream of laying down the law like this, it's an insult quite frankly.

Also get the fuck up sometimes when your 4YO wakes in the night!!!!!

This.

If they are smokers then she shouldn’t be there overnight anyway.

If they have non-family members staying overnight often then it would also be a no.

Never set any rules at all. They also took mine on holiday. Same age

I’m 59 and can still remember the joy of climbing into Nanny and Grandpa’s bed for a cuddle! Why do you want your daughter to miss out? YABU

There's a lot on this thread saying the rules are insulting. But maybe if someone had bothered about rules for me, my uncle would not have been able to sexually abuse me in my grandparents' house...

Only one rule i had when my children were young and in childcare. If i trusted them enough to look after my child, i trusted them enough to decide how they looked after them.

If that meant grandparents filled them full of haribo and ice cream, thats their decision. It was down to me to educate the children and balance that out.

Ive already told my own children, i had to parent them every second of their lives, with grandchildren i will have NO rules other than to keep them safe.

We have our DGC to sleepover perhaps 5 or 6 times a year. They each slept in the travel cot in our room until they were old enough to go into the spare room. They did tend to come into bed with us in the early morning. What we changed was nudity. We both sleep naked but we don’t do that when the DGC are with us - they have never seen either of us unclothed (they are both boys). We don’t smoke and don’t tend to drink in the house so that isn’t a concern. We allow much less screen time than their parents do! We don’t have other overnight visitors if they are sleeping over - no room! Aside from that, we would follow any specific instructions from the parents and in fact found DDiL’s little “owners manual” very helpful when they were very small.

That list wouldn't bother me at all, it would show a patent who cares about very real risks to children and doesn't want them to happen to their child. It wouldn't offend me as I would be fine with meeting every request and would just see a parent who was worried and loved their child. If someone made the list about them and their 'feelings' I'd see them and their priorities

The obvious starting point is - why aren’t you getting up with your child 50% of the time? They’re hardly a breastfed baby where it needs to be the Mum doing the feeding.

Four is very old to still be waking at night regularly so your wife has my sympathies if that’s still the case, but really her “chance to sleep through the night” should be every second night when you cover any wake ups. Regardless of who works outside the home or not and for how long etc

Re staying at the grandparents, it sounds like you don’t trust them. If you need rules like some of the ones your have laid out, either a. You are incredibly paranoid or b. They are incredibly dodgy people who your dd shouldn’t be staying with.

This.

@Cakeandcardio I’m so sorry that this happened to you!

It sounds like you don't trust them. Grandparents should be able to know if it's ok for their neighbour to pop over for example If your DC is also there. If you let go of some of these so called rules then it will help them have a relationship with your DC and will in turn they will be at hand should you have an emergency situation and need childcare last minute or just fancy a night out knowing they are safe.

Yabu. It's her grandparents. You either trust that they are capable to look after her or you don't. If you don't then why would you even consider her sleeping there?

Are these just general rules or do you have reasonable concerns that these things might happen if you don't spell it out? Do these grandparents smoke and are there other adult males living in the their house?

You sound like an all round knob head.

Unless there is a backstory about how your wife was raised, I think you are being OTT wit one caveat*. A lot of your rules are commonsense - obviously they shouldn't be out of contact, but why would they be?

Do they have a lot of visitors? Do they have a many visitors that are strangers to you? Is it a family habit of children sleeping with male relatives? Would they let your 4yo have unlimited and unfettered access to the internet? I am assuming the answer is probably 'no' to these questions. If not, then of course it's reasonable to raise them.

*Personally my concern would be the smoking. Assume they are smokers, so it would be a legitimate concern that they may smoke in the house and reasonable to check that they won't. But I'm not sure I would have been happy for DC to have stayed with smokers when they were little TBH.

Also, four is old to be disturbing your wife's sleep. Hope you are helping out in this area sometime? DS was diagnosed with ADHD at 18 but had been a nightmare at bedtimes at primary school until we introduced him to audiobooks. Literally saved my sanity

Almost stopped reading when it was clear that you don't give your wife a chance to sleep through.

The casual way you stated this is quite revealing.

I'm hoping there's a bloody good reason why you don't do your share of night time childcare .

It’s going to be one of those mega goady threads where the OP doesn’t come back, isn’t it?

This!!!

you sound absolutely ridiculous. Thanks for the laughs 😂

YANBU but to be honest you can put all those rules in place and the worst still happen.

I’ll just say I never once doubted my in-laws and turns out I should have. I know realistically it’s probably unreasonable (I’ve had many happy sleepovers myself as a child) but if I had a do over I would have done 0 sleepovers, ever. Anywhere, anyone.

If you sent this list to my parents and made them feel fucking stupid, I would end the relationship with you.

"Grandparents need to be fully contactable / phones / at all times."

Surely it's you and your wife who need to be fully contactable at all times, not the other way round.

I’m not sure your relationship with your in laws would survive you implying your daughter is not safe having a cuddle with her maternal grandfather.

Either you don't trust the grandparents to keep your child safe - in which case there's no sleep over, rules or not. Or you do, in which case you know they will implement safe practices anyway and there is no need for your rules.

If you don’t have 100% trust then don't send them for a sleepover , 3 out of 4 of my kids grandparents lack common sense therefore they do not babysit .
It would be extremely offensive to give them a list of rules if they are capable and trustworthy