To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

I mean, all couples do this differently, but I've got to tell you that DH earns approx four times as much as I do and all our money is completely shared.

Have you discussed your concerns with him? What does he say?

I’m the higher earner in my relationship. Our finances are totally separate. If he wants more disposable income he’s welcome to get a better paying job (he chose a low-paying career). I wouldn’t like feeling like my lifestyle was entirely dependent on someone else’s earnings - is there any scope to increase yours even if it means he takes on more household duties while you upskill/retrain?

I’m a SAHM and all money is pooled together.

if anything I spend far far more than dh on personal items

Why don’t you share money?

Say you haven't got enough spending money so you need to reduce what you put in the joint account or no longer put anything in, if it's a drop in the ocean he shouldn't care. I probably wouldn't ask for money from him, but it would be nice if he offered if you said you were a bit short or wanted to buy something special.

Simply, yes he should.

he is valuing his contribution (the money) more than your contribution (bringing up the kids/ looking after the house and working part time).

There needs to be greater equity. He has been able to earn more as you did the rest.

my dh was the same and is about to be an ex -DH. (Not the only reason I‘ve left him).

We used to have a joint account that we put money into pro rata for bills and the rest was our own. I always preferred to have my own money. If he earned a lot more than me I think a more even arrangement would be fair particularly if you mainly look after the house by working part time.

All our money is joint - salaries, savings, property, investments. We have equal personal money.

I am wondering whether to raise it or whether it is greedy to do so. So I havent discussed it with him.

Years ago he got a pay rise and I asked him to share more money, he didnt because he said all my reasons were wanting to spend it. I am more of a day-to-day spender, I "fritter away" money and he is a saver. So he saves, but then goes big (much bigger than i ever would want to) on what he buys.

I cant increase my earning potential to his level, i do work professionally with professional qualifications and am not lacking training. I could increase by working full time but neither of us want young dc (1 and 5) in full time childcare with 2 full time working parents.

Wow. It doesn't sound like partnership to me. If he was to inherit 10 m you wouldn't expect him to share with you either I suppose?

@Threesmycrowd ask your dh to reduce his hours by one day a week so you can earn more.
Obviously he will, rightly, say that his drop in wage will be much more than you can earn extra. To that you reply that the alternative is that he shares more of his surplus money.
My dh has always out earned me but I have full access to all of our money.

I think it's fine to have a 'separate finances' marriage if you are on a second marriage or don't have kids, and your incomes aren't that different. But in your situation, I don't think it's possible to have a happy and cohesive family if you and their father essentially have completely different lifestyles. I also don't think it's fair that you have even less due to looking after the children.

I have always significantly out-earned my husband, but he is a good man and partner so we share everything completely freely. I would feel very uncomfortable treating myself and watching him struggle.

So neither of you want your young children in full time childcare but you are the one that takes the financial hit?
You say that you are more of a spender than him, does he think you will fritter his “hard earned” cash away on rubbish? Could you suggest that your spending money is increased to enable you to invest in your pension to compensate your part time job?
You need to have a conversation with him. It isn’t greedy to want him to pay more of the costs with his higher earnings, you are a team!

no, because it isn’t my money? As it stands he is set to inherit a huge amount more than me and I don’t expect to receive any, because it’s not my inheritance, nor have any say over what he does with it. If he wants to spend it on things that benefit both of us that’s entirely his choice, like I choose to pay the lion’s share of big expenses like holidays for us both because I want us both to go (a lot of the time he insists on paying me back his half though even when I say I’m happy to cover it), but if he wants to whack the entirety of his inheritance in his own pension, also his choice.

If you said to your husband that would wanted to buy an expensive something costing £5k…what would he say? Would it come from joint money? Would he buy it? Or would he say you can’t afford it?

it’s not clear what your husbands attitude to all this is

Out of interest, I’m assuming he goes all out with birthday and Christmas gifts for you? seeing as he likes to spoil himself with expensive gifts 🙄

What was your earning potential before the kids? What's your pension like?

It seems Ick to me, but finances are so personal. I’ve always earned more and always shared everything we have.

Could you not keep more of your own salary and transfer less to the joint account?

Just speak to him and say that you often feel a bit financially inadequate with only £250 left over a month and would like to be able to save and be able to buy surprise gifts for him/family etc...

If he isn’t the type to offer then I’m afraid he doesn’t have that outlook on life. Dh was ‘our money’ for a while but it quickly became his money/ too many talks/ justifications when it came to anything outside of the essentials and then it just wasn’t worth it.

DH earns almost 10x my pt salary and our joint income is viewed as completely shared, although it's spread across various accounts, some in his name and some in mine. It is all one pot. We both consider that to be normal in our marriage where we are a team, and our joint household income is there to support an appropriate lifestyle for everyone in the family. Neither of us are big spenders but I spend more than he does, and I have also done very well with investments that I have control of.

I think it would depend on whether he approved of the item and thought it was reasonable. I doubt he'd buy me a mulberry bag without a lot of persuasion but he might agree on a better car. I dont like the idea that I would have to ask for and justify the money though since he has financial freedom.

I can understand him not wanting to give you money just to ‘fritter’, he probably thinks that you can do that with your earnings.

What would his reaction be if you said you didn’t want to contribute to the joint account? Or if you asked him to buy you something pointlessly expensive like a £500 moisturiser?

BarbarasRhabarberba · Today 20:51
I’m the higher earner in my relationship. Our finances are totally separate. If he wants more disposable income he’s welcome to get a better paying job (he chose a low-paying career). I wouldn’t like feeling like my lifestyle was entirely dependent on someone else’s earnings - is there any scope to increase yours even if it means he takes on more household duties while you upskill/retrain?

Did he choose a lower earning career or does he have one? Ie if you’re honest does he have the potential to have a higher earning career? Because some of us in the world will never have higher earning careers, we’re not wired that way especially now in terms of academics, skillset and tech savvy-ness. Do you honestly not just think well I don’t like seeing him without and we’re a team?