To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

Like hell would I agree to be treated like a financially incompetent toddler, having to beg for extra money for the things I needed. Particularly if my current and future earnings had been significantly impacted by our joint decision for me to provide most of the child care.

The fact you are even asking whether you are selfish to go cap in hand to this unpleasant man and ask for the money he should already be sharing equally with you shows that you have extremely low health esteem, and he has a pretty low opinion of you and a high one of himself.

You say that neither of you wants to divorce, but to be honest, I wouldn't be able to file fast enough if the man who was supposed to love me and be committed to me for the rest of our lives was behaving like this.

You're being financially abused, and you just can't see it. I think some individual counselling would be healthy for you at this point to decide whether this is what you really want for your one precious life. But I very much doubt your husband would agree to pay for it, which should tell you something!

I am the high earner (actually, the earner) in our relationship, but without DP being my carer, I would not be earning anything and if he were going out to work a/we'd need to pay a carer and b/ he'd not earn in a week what I earn in a day.

So our money is shared - we discuss large purchases (over 100 quid, I am the high earner but we are not a high income household!!) together, we try to balance out fun stuff vs necessary stuff. Its exactly the same as it was when he earned and I didn't.

I could not live it up, enjoying fripperies and goodies knowing my partner was struggling to buy themselves a coffee or a new pair of pants. That isn't a partnership.

Irrespective of our individual earnings, neither DH or I would make a large "£15K guitar" type purchase without a discussion first. The last time we had a similar discussion was buying a new vehicle and that was an essential for work, not a leisure item, but it still involved a discussion first.

if you're someone who (your words) fritters money away when your DH is more of a saver, it isn't surprising he doesn't give you open access to his earnings, that's an unreasonable expectation on your part.

if you're well qualified then your earning potential is there but you've made the choice to stay at home while your DC are still young, so you'll just have to wait a few years and then look to increase your hours or move to a better paid job. These are choices you'll surely have discussed with your DH before having kids.

We just share everything (I’m a SAHM but sold a house and am being gifted some money, it’s get sent straight to a joint pot), we do our budget based on joint spends, we rarely disaggregate it. DH consults me on any spend over £250 and checks if I’m ok with it, and vice versa. Of course neither ever says no.

I just don’t get this attitude, if you are going all in on a life then starting from the point of sharing everything means theres less likely to be resentment etc later.

If he has so much disposable income he should be making sure your pension is topped up. You will both benefit from that (if you don’t get fed up and leave). I would feel utterly disrespected by this.

I’m the same as @ItsStillWorkwe made the decision for me to be a SAHP 18 months ago (DCs early teens) as my DH has a ‘big job’ and I have all access to money and if anything I spend more on me and the kids than DH does on himself!

If I do earn anything (I sometimes help people out when required), I usually put that money to one side for a family meal, towards a holiday, extra bits for Christmas or something nice for DH (Brewdog advent anyone!)

It's sad that you would be better off financially if you were to divorce hip @Threesmycrowd . Definitely talk to him about having a joint account or atleast pay bills proportionally to your earnings which would mean you would pretty much keep your salary. Having children together means sharing everything in my book.

Only initially, spousal support is very rare and she needs to provide all her own costs and half of her kids, which when you don’t pay room and board now, really mounts up, so it’s hugely unlikely when we look at the longer term she will be better off.

lookign at my divorced friends, yes they get a lump sum, but after that it’s up to them. The op is hugely likely not to even have what she does now as disposable income each month, never mind the same standard of living.

This is a mind-blowing thread. DH’s money is put into a joint account we both have access to, no questions asked. I will inherit money that he will have access to, no questions asked. Neither of us splurge on anything without discussing it with the other. Neither of us have ever said no to the other. Both of us spend most on our children.

This. He's not treating you as an equal partner.

My husband earns ten times what I earn. All money is joint.

I cannot imagine being married and having children with someone who was not willing to do this. Decisions are made as a unit (for example a decision for one spouse to be a SaHP or go
part time to look after children). How can that work if finances aren’t handled fairly, whether that’s keeping things joint or sharing to ensure that both spouses have the same disposable cash?

I feel a lot of women are getting played by selfish men selling separate finances as modern and independent when in fact it’s just a way to keep their partner dependent and subordinated.

I'm a SAHM and everything is shared. It's unreasonable for one partner to have substantially more disposable income than the other.

@Threesmycrowd You're right OP. It's the lack of control. Have a similar set up and I hate it, albeit with smaller figures. It's miserable. My H is about to inherit and as usual has said nothing about it. It will all be for himself, I overheard him on the phone so I know the figure. He won't even throw any extra money towards a holiday for the kids. It's so mean spirited.

How sad that you are even asking this. I wouldn’t ever accept a life like this. You have 250 whilst he can buy a 15k guitar. How do you even consider yourself partners when it’s anything but.

im a sahm now, but we share everything and always have. Dh has outearned me by a crazy amount, and I have never had to ‘pay my equal share’.

Thank you again for all your thoughts. I will definitely talk to him and I appreciate your inputs and perspectives, and what youve shared. Im sorry you are in a similar situation @Docugirl. I hope you can find a way forward too.

That's how it works for us too. Mine is capable of earning more but is content with where he is currently which is absolutely fine but it's also his choice and I don't see why I should fund that.

If he wants more money, he can earn it. I don't see what's wrong with that.

But that is different from here where it is clear that full time work for the OP isn’t what either want due to neither wanting their children in full time childcare

they have made a joint decision for her to be part time for the good of the family the OP shouldn’t have to be disadvantaged due to thst

He's married, family...
Yes, he absolute should share.

That's a fair point.

I would feel differently if DH was the lower earner due us both deciding he should work part time etc for childcare reasons.

It depends on what you have agreed, and every couple does things differently. Tbh I think it is often hard to change now, once a system has been set up, usually the best way to do it is to merge finances at the start of the relationship when both of you have nothing and then grow together. He's gotten used now to having a lot more spending money and might be less keen to share having got a set up which works for him and where he might feel he is already being generous towards you by covering essentially all joint costs. You can always ask though but I don't think you're in a very strong position to do so.

When my DH and I first got to together, I had more due to a large family gift but we started off with everything being joint. Then we both had careers some years I earnt more, some years he did. Now he earns a lot more than me and we still share everything. But we always shared and would have shared whoever earned more. I do think it is harder when you meet later in life and one person has a lot more than the other (whilst the other person doesn't have a lucrative career). I can understand some reluctance to fund the lower earner when they made decisions which restricted their earning capacity (as some other posters have said) in that situation.

My DH earns 4.5x what I do, I work part time and we have a 5 year old.

All of our wages go into a shared bank account. We then put equal amounts into our ISAs, short term savings (for holidays/household repairs etc) and "pocket money" accounts after bills/mortgage.

We have exactly the same amount of discretionary spending money because we are a team. He has a bigger pension than me because he earns considerably more but that's the only real disparity, but our private pensions will go into the shared pot too when we retire. Xx

I think you should definitely speak to him about pooling money, or if he insists on keeping seperate finances then tell him he needs to drop his hours so you can get more days so you can earn more too. Its not fair that you should solely take the financial bullet for being a Mum. (And you have, because going part time has stalled your career progression) xx

Reading what the OP has written, I don't think she would be. What a joke comment. By her own admission, she has a nice lifestyle, enjoys nice holidays, and hasn't given up her high-powered job for the sake of her kids.

He does sound like he could perhaps talk a little more about big purchases, but if you have 15k to splash on a guitar and 20k on a watch, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say they are not struggling to pay the bills.

@Threesmycrowd Do you both get paid into sole accounts then transfer to a joint account or do you both get paid into 1 joint account?

It sounds like he pays for everything already so maybe broach it like you would like to keep more of your salary for yourself.......perhaps £500 or £600 a month instead of £250.

Its a difficult one but ultimately because he earns the vast majority he probably doesnt think about spending where as you do because you didnt 'earn' it so to speak. If he does all you say he does at the moment i would be suprised if he wasnts open to you spending more or keeping more of your own money for yourself.

I’m on the fence tbh. I earn three times DH and while I see all money as joint money, I also wouldn’t consult DH if I wanted to spend 15k on something for myself once in a while, nor would I necessarily expect to give DH the equivalent to spend on something he wanted each time I spent on myself. Obviously if he wanted to buy something in particular I’m not going to say no most likely but I probably would resent it if he felt entitled to that on top of me contributing more to mortgage, holidays, paying for all kids stuff etc. as you said yourself you’re already way better off than you would be otherwise even putting aside the part time work but if you feel strongly about it just go back to work full time. If your DH feels strongly about not having the kids in childcare then I guess he can speak up at that time and give you more money to cover the two days you’re not working but maybe he’d be happy for you to work more.

All couples do things differently, I think £250pm for your own 'fun money' is not much though since your DH seems to earn a very high amount. I would probably feel quite resentful in your shoes, if I had little money for myself and my DH was spending £15k every few months on large items for himself.

I earn well (above the UK average) but my DP earns about 4-5x what I do (plus bonuses) and we essentially share everything.

You don’t see all money as joint money. Stop kidding yourself.