To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

Can you tell us what guitar it is? Is he any good?

Not only that but I bet @Threesmycrowd facilitates his working by taking on the chores as well

Yet still it isn’t equal and she doesn’t get a say

If you’re a family then all money either of you have should be shared completely.

You’re not roommates.

It is not greedy OP. It is about your financial security in the long term. Your pension will be so much smaller than his due to the financial sacrifices you are making - it is responsible of you to think about that

Agree with someone's suggestion of asking him to go down to 4 days a week so you can work more and if he doesnt want to then he needs to add money to your savings or share everything

@Threesmycrowd I think that you may be much more financially vulnerable than you realise.

The tenancy in common would really worry me if I were in your position. Do you know how it has been set up? What share of the house do you each have? What is written in your husband's will regarding the house? What could be the worst scenario if you divorced? Is the house your biggest family asset?

If you are not aware of this already, this basic overview might be helpful:

Tenants in Common:
Ownership = Distinct shares (can be unequal)
Inheritance = Share passed according to will
Sale of Share = Can sell without consent of others

Joint Tenants:
Ownership = Equal shares of the entire property
Inheritance = Right of survivorship; share passes to surviving owners
Sale of Share = Requires consent from all joint tenants

It is possible to change a tenancy in common into a joint tenancy, but get legal advice and get it drawn up by a solicitor.

I read all the posts after your comment above, and I did not see anyone raise this issue, so felt I had to come back to mention it. One PP recommended you get some individual counselling also including finance issues. I second this, and think you need to get some independent legal and financial advice asap, and do not involve your husband until you are sure where you stand (especially in a worst case scenario!). Hold off on the joint marriage counselling I recommended in my earlier post until you have clarified your situation.

It seems to me that your husband is very good at taking financial responsibility for himself and ensuring that his future is secure, but he is not doing the same for you. Be careful!

I'm the higher earner. We own our home jointly but split mortgage in proportion to our income and I pay most of the holidays, furniture, work around the home. I am happy to pay in more given we are a family. But our remaining disposable income is separate. Ultimately I am the one that worked hard, took on the debt (and paid it off) to get qualifications and work the long and stressful hours. I sympathise with you to the extent that if your husband doesn't want you to work full time then he should be making up the difference and topping up pension but as you freely admit to frittering away money, I can understand why your husband would be very unwilling to facilitate that when he already pays for most of everything else. I think there are some changes to be made but as the higher earner myself I can understand why he wouldn't want to share all his income.

I would add, OP, that even the nicest man will not be thinking of fairness or your financual security here. They just don't. It has always been up to the woman to really push for anything approaching fairness in this sphere. It is faaaar from greedy, it is about basic fairness. It's a fact of life and don't be afraid to push HARD as your time is not less important than his and your financial security is not less important than his.

In your conversations be reasonable, measured, evidence based but very firm.

I also think what on earth is frittering away money if not spending it on a £15k guitar ?

Why hasn’t he been paying the same amount of £ in to your pension too?

If he was really concerned about securing OP's financial future, he could put a big chunk of money monthly into a private pension for her. That way he could avoid concerns about her possibly "frittering" it away.

I agree with other PPs though that £15k on a guitar is a pretty gigantic "fritter" (unless he is making his money as a professional musician, and then it would be expensed anyway).

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

I’ve been in both positions here. Pre-children we each paid half of everything and then kept our own money. I am like pp’s partners in that i have chosen not to chase money, I have a lower paying career and enough that I was happy with. DP is a higher earner with a much stronger work ethic and a desire to accumulate assets. Why should I benefit from that?
But then we had children. I dropped to part-time, did 98% of everything child and house related, including being alone with the children every evening and all weekend, while he worked - accumulating wealth and assets - all in his name, for him. He now pays considerably more for our life style than i do, and he is pretty generous with everyday cash, but I have very little money left at the end of the month - often a deficit - and absolutely no financial security whatsoever.
The resentment is huge. But I would still struggle with the idea of completely shared finances, that doesn’t seem fair either.

We work of a percentage basis worked off our income. So I am one third and DH is 2 thirds.

Naturally that means me DH has more disposable income that me - usually twice as much. He doesn't think much to sinking a couple of hundred on some tech every so often. I have to save for a few months to afford a few bits of nice clothing.
BUT it feels fair. He works longer hours than me and has worked harder to get to where he wanted with uni and post grad studies.
DH will also pay for things I want if I can not afford them. He's currently paying for my gym membership every month so I have that £40 for something else or if I need a new dress for a wedding he will offer to buy it for me.

I think alot comes down to is if it FEELS fair to you. If not talk to your DH and come to some compromise.

I am the high earner and all money goes in the joint account and equal spending money. I wouldn't want to be able to have a different lifestyle from my partner, I'd find that so sad. We've built this life together and supported each other in everything we do. I wouldn't be able to earn this amount if it wasn't for him. And life is way cheaper living as a couple, so I'm automatically benefiting from that.

I mean, you have 250 discretionary spending a month - if he's buying a 15k guitar within an 18-month period, he must have over 1000 pounds discretionary spending a month! And that's probably in addition to money going into his savings/pension savings.

She almost certainly wouldn’t be better off. She’d have half a house that she wouldn’t be able to buy him out of, and him buying her out wouldn’t fund anything like the same home on her own. By her own admission, her earnings pre-kids were nowhere near his and she didn’t have savings. Half his pension in 30 years time won’t be much good to her now.

She’d have a massive drop in lifestyle if they divorced. In other circumstances I’d say that was really unfair, abusive even, but it would actually just be reverting her to the position her own earnings would have afforded her had she not married rich.

I mean, he’s a saver and that’s good but he’s not saving for family things and his money is family money? If he was saving for a home improvement or a holiday it would be different but he’s not? Even then I think it should be a joint decision. I got a pay rise last year and we had a discussion about whether it goes into the general pot or not, we both agreed that I will transfer the difference straight into our shared savings.

I actually like having money for myself that is only mine, in contrast with many on here, we do have our own accounts as well as joint. I like to buy expensive perfume that my DH would think is unnecessary. BUT this big difference is we both know exactly how much money we have coming in between us and we have agreed exactly how much to keep back for personal spending (and it’s the same for both of us). I think the lack of transparency and concept of shared ownership from your husband is the big issue. It’s not his money, you are married with children.

Exactly, I never understand the whole you will be financially better off. That’s seldom the case, a low earner who does not pay half the childcare costs, or for their own living costs, even with the lump sum is ultimately going to be much worse off unless she can improve her earnings, as she needs to house herself, have space for her kids (as does he) pay for all her own living costs and pay half for the kids, the likely hood of her even having 250 a month disposable income left as she does now, is extremely low.

I would expect finances to be shared in a relationship. I'm a SAHM. My husband spends more than me. I want less than him materially. He's never made me feel like I can't have expensive things if I want them. He's always given me more money if I've said I'm not getting enough. He's encouraged me to have expensive things when I've expressed interest in them. He's also aware of family finances so will spend less if he needs to provide for the family in some area. I don't mind my husband spending more than me because I don't feel a lack or generosity and equality in our relationship. But if he was stingy or didn't think I deserved more or less the same as him, I'd be bothered yes.

My DH is the high earner and we share money.

All of the savings are in my name though even though it is technically his earnings.

I said that if we have children, all the money must be kept in my name in case he ups and leaves me with children as so many men do.

It is working so far.

I think I'd be more concerned with feeling uncomfortable talking to my husband about how I feel. Do you feel uncomfortable / uncertain about approaching the subject because you already know what he is going to say? If so, how do you feel about that and what do you want to do about how you feel if nothing changes? That's the most fundamental question because realistically speaking we can't change anyone: we can only change our attitude to things or try and change our own situation. It doesn't sound like you will feel differently about this although you try to convince yourself that you should be grateful because XYZ. Therefore, you do need to talk about it openly but you also need to think about what you would like to do if nothing changes as a result of the talk.

If It were me, I wouldn’t be asking to equal out the disparity in terms of who has what in accounts. I would be saying we are a married couple with children. We are a team. Legally we have joint finances and we should have had joint accounts a long time ago.

When money is tough, my husband and I have had a joint account where everything goes and separate accounts for ‘fun money’ to make sure we don’t overspend. However, whatever we each earn we both earn.

The way you accounts are set up are very parent child. I couldn’t handle that at all.

Are you me?! I feel the same

I pay the lions share of everything, and 100% of holidays and trips.
I'll never share my post bills "fun" money though. I'd not be able to afford my horses and cars if we put our money in a pot to share.
I work hard to pay for my expensive hobbies, not to share it with someone else.

I think your DP is being fair with everything he covers. What would your earning potential be if you were child free and single?

They can look together, and agree to buy. As any couple does. But then he seems to be the one to pay. So why the grumbles.

I wouldn’t go and buy a piece of furniture, buy a car, book a holiday without consultation with my DH.

This doesn’t sit well with me at all. You are married and have children together. Although you didn’t earn as much as him pre children, you have limited your earning power to enable him to work all the hours he works, to bring in this income. Therefore, you are a team.

This is exactly the sort of situation where a joint account, all money goes in, bills come out, joint savings will probably take a big chunk, and you each get equal “fun money” into your separate accounts. Then he can save his fun money for guitars or whatever and you can spend yours day to day (but are these day to day expenses really just for you personally? And if so, are they “pink tax” items?) without anyone feeling hard done by.

The set up you currently have is not fair.

Difference between partners who freely choose a lower paying job and those who are part time etc to care for children.

Because caring for the children and household are joint responsibilities that one person has taken on, to allow the other to earn more.

Could you go full time and he go part time?