To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

DH earns 25x what I do. He pays some of his salary into a joint account for all the bills, some into my own current account for me, some into his current account for him, then all the rest (approx 50% of what he earns) goes into a joint savings account. My little pt salary goes into my current account - I did say I'd pay it into the joint account but dh told me to keep it for myself, so I do 🤷‍♀️. I buy my own little treats, but if I want something more expensive, I run it by dh and its just about always a 'yes'. Because as he once said to me 'well, I pay the bills but you do everything else'. He values the contributions/sacrifice I make which allows him his career success. Although neither of us would spend £15k on a guitar 😬.

My view is that you should have an equal amount of money to spend on yourselves. If he saves uo to get something big and you buy smaller things then thats fine.

The problem here is you have a really unequal marriage.

I could yes. I would prefer a more "joint" approach I think but as pp said, he just doesnt have that outlook. I got a £100 tax rebate and treated us all to dinner; he got a £20k inheritance and bought himself a watch (but of course dinner out comes out the joint account anyway so he does usually technically pay for that!). I dont want any access to inheritance or family gifts but I have a fundamentally different attitude to sharing money.

It sounds like you need much more openness and transparency around your budget and future plans. Do you have a monthly budget that you both stick to/ do you know how much all the outgoings are a month?

Are you fully aware of how much is in your pension and his, how much is in savings, when you want to pay off the mortgage, what’s your next big joint outgoing going to be etc? Eg’ Spending 15k on a guitar because it’s ’his money’ when you need a new kitchen or your car is on its last legs is selfish and irresponsible. Most people would think that’s a huge extravagant purchase. If however you have million pound pensions and a mortgage free home and savings etc maybe you really do have that to splurge. But communication is the key here

(long term SAHM here, all money is joint and I’m in charge of all finances as he doesn’t want to be and that suits me!)

It doesn’t sound fair no, you have sacrificed the ability to climb the ladder career wise to raise your family.
my Husband is a high earner I’m a sahm we have 3 children 5 and under so I’d hardly say I’ve got my feet up.
all our money is shared we have agreed on a ‘budget’ to stick to each month so we can meet our goals but tjis still leaves me with a lot of money left for pleasure/ hobbies / aesthetics. I’m grateful for him and he is for me it definitely feels like a partnership.

Hes very financially responsible. We have everything we need and he has a very good pension, overpays the mortgage. I pay a small amount into my private pension, i do worry whether its enough. I should talk to him about that i think he would be helpful although he might just say his is enough. He does have £15k to splurge and it doesnt matter to the family. The thing im grappling with is that i dont have anything like £15k to splurge myself. He does say things like "we will have more money" when he gets a pay rise. The thing making me uncomfortable is he spends it as he sees wants, although to be fair often or even usually on things that benefit us like nice furniture etc. But if I wanted nice furniture and he didnt, we probably wouldnt have it.

Very much this.

It seems you don't really know your ingoings and outgoings so firstly I'd look at that.

I would be livid about my DH buying a £15k guitar without at the very least checking with me first, while I'm living on 60 quid a week. Even if you saved £100 a month of your £250, it would take you over a decade to get to £15k.

It seems grossly unfair and he seems very controlling.

This sounds very unequal and unsustainable. Are you happy to live like this long term, with him calling all the financial shots in your marriage? If not, you need to tackle it asap - marriage counselling might be a good way to air this, in a 'safe' third space. Good luck!

My dh earns double my salary, if either of us want to spend > £100 we discuss it and agree or at a minimum let each other know in advance.
if you said you were stopping more childcare / housework etc to concentrate on work & increasing your earnings what would he say - it sounds like he doesn’t value your contribution of time and childcare you bring to the household to facilitate his work & earning ability?

He chose it. He’s Oxford educated but chose to be a musician. I have no problem with that and I admire him turning his talents into a full time career even though it doesn’t bring him in much more than minimum wage. Do I think “I don’t like seeing him without?” Honestly no. Sometimes when we’ve already had a big holiday and I want to go on another one and he says he doesn’t want to spend any more, I just go on my own. We’re both happy with this and he insists on going 50/50 on outgoings even though I said we could do it proportionately to earnings.

I struggle with this I earn 4x what my DH does, but we are a team - it all goes into a joint pot/ joint savings. Hobbies etc are a given but large spends we would discuss. We jointly decide on household stuff furniture etc…

In a marriage, particularly where one parent has sacrificed earnings potential to raise the kids, the rule is equal disposable income and equal leisure time.

so you should be able to buy your equivalent of a £15k guitar if that’s what you want. He should also be making retirement savings provision for you. Apart from anything else, it’s tax efficient.

I am by far the higher earner and we’ve always done it that way.

it doesn't sound to me like it's the money in itself. It's the disparity in optionality, and freedom that you are finding difficult. If he wants something expensive, he buys it. If you want something even a little expensive, you have to ask permission.

I am the higher earner. Bt there isn't a lot of spare cash so any larger purchases are discussed and agreed between us - for the family, or for us as individuals. So the financial freedom is similar.

I do think that while yes, of course, he's paying for the bulk of your day to day costs, it's actually very relevant that you are working part time so that the children are looked afte r- a decision you took as a couple. This impacts your earnings. And I don't think living in a nice house and having nice holidays compensates for the lack of ability to decide, "screw it, I LOVE those over priced shoes so I'l buy them" in a family that clearly has plenty of money. So that's what I'd be pointing out to him. That you not only have much less earning potential, but you have taken the financial hit of caring for the children and you would like to see a higher proportion of your earnings available for your personal spending and/or a higher proportion of family income available to you.

You can’t make up rules and post it like it’s a thing.

as much as i disagree with her husbands approach I do draw the line at making up rules and pretending they are a thing. There is no rule, it is down to the couple. Not you.

The problem here is the disparity in power.

It doesn't sound very fair.

But you should take proper advice from a financial planner and if you need to protect your future, you might have to go back to work (or divorce). He can't have it both ways.

I’m sorry it sounds like he’s being very controlling here. It’s all his money to make the decisions and you don’t have any say?! At all?! I couldn’t live like that. Just because he’s financially responsible doesn’t mean you can’t be either, he isn’t your parent he’s your husband, it sounds like he’s happy for you to take a majority part in raising your children but unwilling to share his earnings which he gained by leaving all the invisible / unpaid work to you.

(you also must have incredibly high wages to buy a 15k guitar in a cost of living crisis and not even flinch at this!)

All money shared here. Throughout our relationship, we've both been the higher earner and sometimes only earner at some point. We're a team and all money is family money, we have equal fun allowance each per month. He saves his to spend a lot on his hobby in one go, I spend mine on hair and beauty throughout the the month (it costs a lot to look this average).
My parents did separate money and it led to financial abuse, shared income works for us.

On a side note. do you have a joint mortgage? Is your name on it?
personally I couldn’t have a relationship with someone I didn’t know salary/ savings info. And in a partnership I’d definitely have joint / share money equally

This hits the nail on the head really well. Thank you.

And to all of you who have shared your thoughts. I will talk to him and i will try to explain this - it isnt that I actually want a £15k guitar. Its that only one of us has the option to buy one.

My DH earned 20 times what I did even when working full time. When we married he paid the mortgage (I paid the deposit in the house from the sale if my own, but would not have qualified for the size mortgage we needed) he paid all bills, for gym membership, school fees etc etc and my salary was just mine which I paid for all things for me, and some things for the house. When I gave up work after my second child, he paid my credit card bill (he never asked what I spent on and to be honest it was mostly things for the kids and the odd facial), and put a generous amount in a joint household account for me to use for any household expenses like food and incidentals. We discussed any larger purchases like a TV. Things were slightly complicated by the fact he paid alimony and had two children before we met which he 100% paid for, so he did have his own account (as I did).
It was hard to give up what I considered my independence and I did feel I needed to be careful, but then I certainly had access to more money than when I was single!
I feel a marriage is a partnership which includes finances. If one earns considerable more than another then the higher earner should proportionally pay more, or as mentioned above all money is pooled - though tricky is be is a duendes and the other a saver!. I don’t think I could buy a £15k guitar and see my spouse not be able to afford something extravagant too - my DH would never have done that, as he considered major purchases a joint decision (and a painting would be a more likely expenditure which we could both enjoy).
It was something we agreed on when we decided that I stop working.

Yes it is. Which is a good example of how I do benefit from him financially and his huge contribution to our household costs. But we bought as tenants in common when we werent married to protect his deposit. I dont want the deposit so im not worried about that. I dont want to take what doesnt feel fair (not that either of us want to get divorced anyway).

Similar set up, but my salary goes into my account.
DH doesn't do anything valuable around the house so was always me doing stuff

Who expects someone to share an inheritance? That’s money they’ve inherited because they’ve lost someone. Most couples will more than likely share it but to expect it is not ok

I couldn’t live like that - that’s not a marriage in my eyes. Dh earns 5x what I do and I have free access to it all in a joint account to spend on what I like. He would never dream of spending so much money on something just for himself (£15k guitar) that wasn’t for the benefit of the family.

I wouldn’t be in a marriage where our money wasn’t entirely shared.

Having children obviously sets back your career big time. I wouldn’t have children with a man that didn’t recognise that.

I also wouldn’t want to be with a person that would like me to be saving my pennies whilst he spends whatever he likes.