To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

But you get everything paid for, including holidays and everything for the children. And you earn your money for yourself. What else do you want?!

my husband was always the high earner.. I made good money..but he out earned me by far. It has always been our money.. thanks to him we retired early and have investment savings. that being said, neither of us are spenders unless it is on the house (furniture, appliances) and we are always on same page about those expenses

Shared finances seems such a fundamental part of marriage I don't understand why anyone bothers if they're not comfortable doing it.

Posters are stating it’s axiomatic that OP is less well off because she’s PT to do more childcare. But she says herself that her earning potential was nowhere near his before kids, and she brought no money to the marriage.

OP, why not suggest that money goes into the joint account in proportion to earnings? That way you might have more than £250 to yourself each month. Though it would be helpful to understand what that has to cover? I’m totally against the grain here but I think OP has a pretty good deal here, by her own admission it’s a lifestyle well beyond what she could provide for herself and her kids.

Same here.

my ex husband once wrote down that I owed him 20p.

Ex. Husband.

It isn’t the sharing it is the control he gets to control ALL the big spending whilst simultaneously wanting his children not to be in full time childcare and expect you to do it

that isn’t a marriage or a partnership to me it screams a very unequal relationship

To be part of the decision making processes and discussions such as furniture and cars? To be seen as an equal partner not just the childcare and maid?

So tired of men who don’t see the value in raising children.

YOU do the heavy lifting with childcare, what is that worth?

You both made the decision not to put children in additional childcare? So he doesn’t have to worry about his career being impacted, or worry about the day to day, but also wants to keep his money for himself?
How selfish of him.

I would go back to work full time. If I was in his position, I would begrudge sharing my money if my partner had chosen to lessen their earnings, pension and career opportunities. If he can afford to splurge that much on a guitar, then you can afford decent childcare.

You’d be better off divorced, which says to me that the arrangement is unfair. You’re the one taking the hit, and he is being financially controlling.

I think this is how it should be. I was earning much closer to DH before parenthood but went part time afterwards and now not at same earning level as DH. We have always, always, always had joint account. No quibbles or questioning. I'd have felt this was correct even if I hadn't inherited more from parents than he did.

Sounds like the 1960s for some people. My parents were a lot more enlightened though. My very savvy maternal grandmother was handed grandfather's wage packet and gave him his pin money back so that she and 9 kids could manage finances.

We earn roughly the same salary but DH gets chunky bonuses from time to time.

I always know when he has received one and is planning on treating himself to something big because he always asks me if there’s a piece of jewellery or designer handbag I’d like first. Once he’s bought that he then comes home with a brand new road bike or something.

I think if he’s going out and splurging on himself he should be doing the same for you. You are in this together after all.

You clearly need to sit down and talk to him about this OP. It sounds like until now you've just muddled along as far as money is concerned, but it's time for a discussion, which you should have had long ago. However, before you do, sit down and think about what it is that you actually want.

While we were both still of working age, we used to have all of our income paid into a joint account, from which the mortgage, bills, food, holidays, and stuff for the kids was taken. Once we worked out how much was needed to pay for all that, we would then decide on a figure that we each had for our own personal spending money, for me, that covered things like clothes, make up, beauty treatments, nights out with my girlfriends, etc., and anything left at the end of the month just stayed in my private account to be spent on whatever I wanted. For him, it covered clothes, haircuts, sports fees, nights out at the pub with the lads, and anything else he wanted. Having worked out what was needed for those pots, anything left over went into the 'rainy day fund'. Then, provided that there was a GOOD amount in the 'rainy day fund', if either of us wanted something like a new car, an expensive guitar, or a designer bag, coat, etc. we would discuss it, and both take the same amount from that account. To us that seemed the fairest way to deal with things, as I gave up work to be stay at home Mum, and basically sacrificed 16 years of my earning power to raise our children, which he always appreciated, and never begrudged me a penny, as we were a team, and still are, now that we're retired.

Maybe she sees value being at home with the children, at least for some of the time, and doesn't want them in full time childcare. After all, if her DH can afford to splurge £15k on a guitar, then they are surely financially comfortable enough that she can go part time.

OP, I couldn't live like this, with one partner having far more disposable income than the other. Luckily I don't have to, as DH and I share all income - including salaries, financial gifts, and inheritance. We're married, we're a team, and we always have been. We discuss budgets, spending, investments and retirement planning. My DH (nor I) would ever want to be in a situation where one of us had money to spend large amounts on themselves, while the other was unable to do the same.

I can understand that some people prefer to keep their finances separate, but it's all too easy to end up in a place like the OP, where one half of the couple is financially controlled by the other. That's no way to live.

DH out earns me massively (maybe x8?). We have a ‘joint’ account which I never use! I occasionally pay money in but never take money out (but I definitely could). He pays the mortgage, does the food shop, holidays, all the bills etc etc so basically all of of our living costs. I work part time and pick up a lot of the mental load (which I’m fine with, he very much picks up the slack when I can’t deal). My part time working enables his work travel/long hours, so he pays into a private pension for me every month. As a result of the metal load, I pay a lot of child expenses - clothes, birthday presents etc. All the rest of my salary goes on me and I don’t feel hard done by. Maybe because neither of us have expensive hobbies?!

'neither of us want young dc (1 and 5) in full time childcare with 2 full time working parents.'

Your ability to work part-time is what enables that to be an option for both of you so this is a major benefit to you, the DC and to your DH, since you both agree it's something you want.

He is being selfish. He's regarding his money as personally his rather than a shared resource that goes to support the family, including you as the main caregiver for the children. It's an immature attitude of someone who does not see himself as a provider but just a guy who works for his own interest and happens to have kids and a wife who is a lot poorer than he is. Personally, it would bother me to feel that my DH doesn't trust me with money enough to share it with all of the family jointly.

Start putting a lot more money into a pension for yourself.

Completely agree this is the best way to go about it.

We don’t do his and her money. We have our money. We share. We pool our resources as we are a family.

Then he should share. You need to have the conversation that you would like more money to spend, and currently the only way to do that seems to be to work full time. And does he want to check out childcare’s or trust your judgement? If he doesn’t want to share you need to work more. I don’t say that’s right because it is really shit to have babies with a woman and her birth them and care for them but to keep her much poorer than you are.

This too- it doesn’t matter the difference in size of the drop in hour of work, the op doesn’t get the hour value from his work so her gain is her gain.

Has he ever dropped 15k on something frivolous for you @Threesmycrowd ?

I earn very well and it happens to be about 5x my wife's salary, and I couldn't imagine living some kind of one person champagne lifestyle with [edit] little extravagant gifts to myself. That would be fucked up.

TBF we are pretty frugal and save most of it to joint and both of our personal savings. But she and our son do get the full benefit of a high household income.

DH and I are both high earners right now, but he made significantly more than me when we married (my earnings have increased, he reduced his work to be primary parent since I travel) and at various times we've both taken stretches of leave from work for DC.

Our money is all joint, but it definitely isn't a throw it all in one account and everyone spends whatever they please thing. We set a household budget together that starts with all of our joint income pooled together. We plan out joint savings + DC savings, all joint/family expenses, and then each draw a similar amount out for our individual use. That last amount goes into individual accounts and we each spend or save for ourselves as we see fit. So groceries, DC clothes, family trips or furniture for the house are joint expenses while our personal clothes/grooming, electronics, hobbies, or trips/outings with friends come from our individual pots. We review/revise our budget together every 6 months on a pre-scheduled date. It works out so that we both have equal input on family/joint spending, we save together for the things that affect us both, and we each have an essentially equal lifestyle in terms of discretionary spending but also each have flexibility and funds that are ours.

There's definitely no one right way to handle marital finances, but I do think that budgeting together is an important aspect that gets missed a lot.

Irrespective of the disparity in your earnings, if you are working PT to raise your children, he should be topping up your pension contributions to the equivalent FT rates.
You are sacrificing your future security for child rearing and he has to recompense you or it’s unfair.