To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

Lucky you!

Why though we are a team and even though DH income is 4 times mine now when we started I earnt and brought more.

My sacrifices for the children and the household have caused the divergence and continues to do so (we tried me full time and it was disruptive so have gone back to freelance)

because yes their is financial responsibility but that is it the OP one assumes does the other stuff and that simply isn’t recognised.

Fair and equal aren’t the same, sometimes fair is what is right and sometimes equal is.

When it comes to marriage it is Equal for me which takes centre stage and should be followed because partnerships should be based on equality

at the moment the OP doesn’t have equality in her relationship

OP isn't going without, she has £250 pm entirely for personal spend!

Don’t understand why you are married OP. If you weren’t, I might understand his attitude more.

Put another way, let’s say you shared money, you “frittered it all away” and he, despite being a saver, and earning a high salary wasn’t able to buy the guitar he wanted. That just wouldn’t be fair either.

Hi, I fully appreciate the enormity of responsibility of children and running a home. In no way is it less important that the financial responsibilities.
My point is that OP has been able to choose to work part-time as she does not have any financial responsibilities and for that she is fortunate.
At the same time, she has money to spend on herself which she deserves.
Everyone's perception of fairness and what is right varies.
My views are influenced by having total responsibility for cc and running home with no spare money at all.
Being able to work part-time with no financial responsibility is a biggie for me, not withstanding the benefits of part time working for the benefit of the household

This 100pc

@Praying4Peace yes the whole point of fairness it that it does vary and doesn’t need people to be treated the same.

But in a marriage with children fairness isn’t at play as much as equality the right to be treated as an equal partner with an equal say in what money is spent on etc.

@Threesmycrowd problem is that her husband doesn’t consider her to be an equal in this relationship or give her say he uses the fact that he has the money to be the one who gets the say in all spending rather than just in personal spends - pushing the OP to being a footnote to his main text.

Which is neither equal nor fair

Regardless of what he earns I think it’s selfish to be married to someone and not make sure they are financially ok and worrying about being able to buy something for their kids. I earn 1k a month (2 small kids 7&3) and my partner earns anywhere between 6-10k a month. Both wages go into the joint account and as long as bills are paid he doesn’t care what I spend money on. Of course if I need to spend over a certain amount I’ll check he’s ok with it. He would never actually say no he would find a way to make it work. You’re supposed to be a team. Your relationship doesn’t sound like that

OP isn't going without, she has £250 pm entirely for personal spend!

Its not where near what he is spending on himself though. £250 × 18 months is only £4500. I bet her Dh is also having personal spends such as haircuts, new clothes and maybe a few beers on top of a 15k guitar purchase. Its not an equal partnership.

It would be fine if they weren't married and didnt have kids.

I feel that is very significant yes. My life is easier than his, I dont have the same stress and I dont have the responsibility of "carrying" the family. He couldnt do what I do, and would struggle if the roles were reversed to be in charge of dc, housework etc. Perhaps that isnt particuarly relevant to finance.

He doesnt save entirely for the big spends, he will treat himself to a nice coat or shoes or weekend away or whatever in the meantime. Probably the same things i have. That is fine I am just adding some context that hes not completely frugal! And shouldn't be.

I am learning from this thread which has been extremely helpful and I appreciate these all views including those like this challenging the "50:50" approach and pointing out the good aspects of my "lot" which are more from what i think is his perspective.

All money in a marriage should be joint. You share a life and children, there is no reason one person should have less particularly if looking after joint children is the reason.
I could never respect any man that would see his wife and mother of his child with go without when he has more than enough. It's such an awful way to live.

First post nails it as usual - OP you’re meant to be DH’s favourite person in the entire world and his team mate. Of course he should share ‘his’ money.

DH earns about 13x what I do but there are countless other ways to contribute than financially. I do work but I also literally risked my life 3x to birth his children for a start.

This kind of reminds me of a couple I know who are now separated. Always his money and her money and not our money. If you were the higher earner OP would you buy £15000 gifts for yourself?

I don’t think he should give you more money to spend on yourself when he is already paying for everything else. He buys everything for the kids and all the holidays, what does the money you put into the joint account get spent on? I think you’ve got a pretty decent deal there tbh!

This. I understand the reasons for financial independence of course, but it seems to me that a marriage is a business contract as well as a personal one, so everything should be in the same pot. You’re on the same team after all.

Very lucky

I think this is key and what so many don’t get - marriage isn’t about religion or romance it is a legally binding contract that basically ties you to a person including (with some caveats) binding financially.

You don’t want that don’t get married
i wouldn’t advise having children without it

But it also underpines what marriage should be equal and a team

@Praying4Peace i take it yours isn’t equal?

Is this a marriage of hearts and minds or mainly a business relationship?

What promises did you make each other at your wedding ceremony?

Wow

But husband is paying for everything whilst OP is taking care of kids etc (both major responsibilities) & OP has money to spend on herself which is right.
I simply can't understand how any woman would sit comfortably with partner having all financial responsibility whilst seemingly taking that for granted. I know women who do

Our setup is similar in financial terms but dh would never go and spend £15k on a single nice item just for him. £1k maybe and he’d discuss it with me first. Most of the “extra” income he earns goes on home improvement or the car or holidays and he is saving most of the rest of our DCs - no issue with any of that.

if there was something I really wanted or needed he would probably buy it for me. I can’t quite imagine him ever saying no but he’d certainly raise his eyebrows if I wanted a fancy handbag or plastic surgery - something which could be seen as vain or unnecessary. I do fritter some money away on an expensive hobby and he’s never said anything about that (it’s a sport so keeps me healthy and happy!)

I suppose neither of us are likely to make big impulse purchases - certainly not without discussing with the other- which is the important difference. Nor do either of us feel the need for fancy things tbh.

I don’t think your dh is entirely unreasonable but I can see how the situation would grate. A conversation is in order I think, think of some expensive things that you might want for yourself (at some point) and see what his reaction is. I also think £250 is not very much really, I’d ask to increase that.

I don't understand threads like this. Do you not have these conversations before you get married and have children?

Hi, I'm not married or living with my partner.
I raised my son alone with no financial support at all (like many others) so all parental and household responsibilities were down to me.
That influences my perception /opinion on what is right /fair etc

yes I can see that but doing it with someone else is supposed to be an equal team, marriage should be about being partners nowadays not one person having all the say.

If one feels the burden of financial responsibility is too much then by all means discuss it alongside (and this is what often gets forgotten) childcare/child admin/general admin/housework and that should all get put together so each takes on a fair amount because as I am sure you know it is v v hard doing everything

here he takes on the financial side and she takes on the other hits facilitating him