To wonder if dh should share money?

[Threesmycrowd]

Dh outearns me considerably and pays our mortgage, bills, holidays, everything for the children. I put most of my part time salary in our joint account but it is a drop in the ocean.

I keep about £250pm for myself. He has a lot more, im not sure how much but every 18 months or so he buys something big, like a £15k guitar.

Is that disparity between disposable income fair? The thing i struggle with is that my earning potential is nothing like his, and wasnt before we had our dc. I have gone part time since then so my earnings have decreased but at the same time our household expenses increased which he has swallowed up. So is the uplift in my lifestyle "enough", enjoying our big house which i would never have afforded or the holidays i wouldnt have gone on otherwise. I brought nothing financially to the marriage and he has done all the heavy lifting in house purchases etc. I never worry about buying for the kids, but I am unable to afford a £15k guitar type purchase for myself. Im just not sure if asking for more is justified or if I should be grateful for what I have.

He helps around the house and with childcare when hes not at work. I do more, but his life is more tiring and stressful.

Is your DH earning bundles each month, or is it a bonus situation which allows him to make these big purchases here and there?

Personally, I couldn't spend so much on myself while my DH struggled, I would be embarrassed. You'd like to think if one person in a family had that amount of money that everybody would have a bit more disposable.

Your DH clearly pays for a lot if he pays for mortgage, bills, holidays, and everything for the children - what is the joint account for outside of this?

I would definitely speak to him and let him know how little you have left each month, and suggest reducing/stopping your contributions to the joint. It sounds like he's obviously not going to be willing to share his whole pot with you so I think that's probably the best you can hope for.

Well my dh earns more then me but we share finances we don't have a joint account but we access to each other's accounts he pays for rent and food and some bills and I pay for the rest of the bills and the car costs and what's left is a jointly shared amount we don't go well theirs £500 left so let's split it we just share it as it is

You just know this is the kind of man that will use all his might to leave you as close to broke as possible if the marriage fails ☹️.

I have said on numerous threads that I just can't get my head around these type of threads.

I can't understand why a supposedly D h will spend an awful lot of money on so thing for himself and see his wife struggling. That is not a partnership or a loving relationship.
For the last 35 years all our money has gone into one account and then been separated into bills, savings and whatever is left!

It has served us well as I have been the higher earner, then at times he was, then he's started a business and couldn't contribute now, so I carried the family, the business has been doing extremely well for years so there's plenty of money coming in. In other words in a marriage, especially a very long one things fluctuate. Isn't the idea to support each other.
Neither of us goes with out. When we were skint, we were skint together now we are currently better off, we are better off together

Well you don't want your children in FT childcare so you've chosen to work part-time. Prior to marrying your wealthy DH you were in low paid work and have by your admission benefitted from a lifestyle you would never had enjoyed if you hadn't married him. If I've read correctly, he pays the bills and for whatever the DC need?

Honestly if you want more money, tell your DH that the kids need to go into childcare and you are going to get a FT, better paid job. If that isn't the route you want to take then yeah, I guess you can appeal to his better nature and ask him to put all his money in the family pot and you both share it. I personally don't really understand why any woman would want to lose their financial independence and be beholden to another person financially but I know this is an unpopular opinion on MN where women on a low/non existent income are encouraged to view their DH's money as 'their' money. Horses for courses.

Is he contributing to your pension so that it grows as much as if you were still FT? If he’s a saver then I’d be wanting to make sure you’re benefitting from that for the long term (and if you should ever divorce).

I’d personally want to ensure that that was happening, rather than looking to push up my free “spends” amount.

Hes very financially responsible. We have everything we need and he has a very good pension, overpays the mortgage. I pay a small amount into my private pension, i do worry whether its enough. I should talk to him about that i think he would be helpful although he might just say his is enough.

He isn't.

Thank you for this. Its probably part of what hes thinking and I understand the unfairness of asking for more which is why I started the thread really. As i havent spoken to him yet. The first few answers were on "my side" so to speak which bolstered my own opinion but I understand this side too.

I dont think its as easy as "just work full time" though. I did work full time. I did contribute 50/50 to the house (I paid 50% of his mortgage when I moved in and we split all bills. The wage gap was there then but not as big as it is now). Part time is a direct consequence of sharing dc and is something we agreed. I dont think that my working full time would improve life for any of us, quite the opposite. As many pp have said, we are married and a team. Its helpful to know that I disagree with this comment. Horses for courses as you said. This way may work for some but I dont think its the way for us.

Don't put any of your money in the joint account, keep it in your own account.

I just don't understand marriages that don't pool all their money together, isn't that what a marriage is, a partnership.

You should have rhe same going into Pensions, the same spending ability, same savings etc

Have I understood this correctly? You paid 50% of the mortgage but do not own the house as joint tenants? Isn't this very risky for you?

I'm conflicted on this. You say you fritter away money and he's more of a saver. And also u have 250 a month to spend on yourself. So surely you don't lack clothes, hair appts etc, which wouldn't be doable if you were on your own (tbh I earn well and would love 250 per month to spend on myself, so maybe am biased ). Does he frequently save, not spend much on himself monthly and then get himself a big gift?
I don't think there's anything wrong with u telling him u want more and/or want to know the opportunity for yourself to get yourself a big gift is there, but on the flip side I would say if he does pull his weight at home and does financially also then he's not doing anything wrong whatsoever spending his money on himself, given that all necessary things are covered.

I would put less money in the joint account.

OP this is how it should go:
Borh wages go in to the joint account
You have your own accounts each
All bills paid out of the joint account
Money split out depending on monthly necessitites for each person - food, fuel etc
Then you sit down TOGETHER and say honey, is there anything WE need this month? Is there anything WE need to buy/get fixed/MOT etc? Can we save any this month?
If i desperately wanted something then my DH would say ok, let's save for it.
You should not have to ask for money in your own marriage.

If I earned 4x or whatever my OH’s salary there’s no way I’d put all my money in one pot. Perhaps that’s why I’m not suited to married life😂

I was actually in this situation with DC’s dad. He chose to remain in a low paid job (low paid for London anyway) for no other reason than he simply didn’t want a more demanding role. That’s fine. But I worked in a job with long hours, running myself ragged, and I saw no reason he should get access to a chunk of my money when he was a healthy man choosing to do minimum effort work. I paid for family holidays, kids stuff, main bills etc. Remaining money was saved for me and DC. No way was I supporting a grown man to enable his lifestyle choice.

Me neither and initially I earned. 2-3 times what my husband did, now he earns 2-3 times what I do. Part time, kids and his career being a slower grower than mine

His mortgage?

I would find this mindset very controlling and demeaning.
My husband and I are a team. No matter who has earnt the money it's ours jointly and we both decide how it's spent. We both have equal personal money each month. My husband would never spend 15k on himself unless I could do so too he'd be riddled with guilt.

Does he view women as equals?

I paid 50% of his mortgage when I moved into his house after we met. Since then, weve bought a different house together. Thats the tenants in common house. I do not pay 50% of the mortgage on this house that we live in now. Even if we hadnt had children, I couldnt have afforded to. I appreciate pps giving me advice about that situation as well as the general picture.

Yes, it has occurred to me that if we ever split up he would hide assets etc and pay the minimum he could get away with.

Many thanks again for your messages.

There are lots of ways to do this... We share, there is no his and hers. It helps that we have a similar spending outlook. Big purchases are discussed, but no one has ever had to say no, we just come to a joint conclusion. This is a marriage and I see us as a team and a family, financial circumstances have changed a lot over time but it has always been shared. Other people come to different arrangements and that's fine too, as long as they are both happy...

What big purchase would you want to make? I mean it sounds reasonable that as a high earner he can buy a guitar if he’s saved for a bit?

Every couple is so different. My DH earns 8d my salary and we share all money. We booth have £250 each disposable a month but all other money goes into a joint acct and we each have a card to access. All big purchases are joint decisions and we make big financial decisions together

I think that you have a good deal OP.
If your husband is responsible for all financial expenses associated with kids and home ( which is enormous) & you have 250 pounds for your own personal benefit, that is fair.

This entirely.
OP has no financial responsibility which is significant

Do you mind if I ask who is the bigger earner?